Let's Discuss

You're a Feminist but are you really?

May 30, 2020

Me when someone says they're "feminists" only after sharing empowerment posts *looks at them suspiciously then politely smiles*

Everyone who knows me dearly knows that if I weren't a journalist, I'd probably be half way through my masters by now. What degree was I applying for? Other than English, I was eyeing, and actually leaning more on, Women and Development Studies: a continuation and formalization of the feminism I instilled as a kid until I grew older and learned along the way that it's more than just empowering women. For a period, I did want to teach gender studies and still do want to specialize in it after being inspired by my Literature profs and a feminism study I wrote back in college. I could be teaching future leaders and policymakers who will make the concrete differences we need.

So here I am today discussing how suddenly, everyone is a "feminist." Let's disregard for this discussion how there are still misogynists and sexists out there because yes, they are cancer but they won't be part of a point I'll make. We're talking about the so-called feminists which I feel, are just as toxic.

It's great to see everyone say "Let's empower women!" or "Feminism is for everyone!" because clearly, I do support those ideals. Women, in the long history of oppression that they experience, need to be pushed and supported to be the best they can be. And the rest of the people who say think it's cool to say they are into feminism because of "women empowerment" clearly need to realize it's more than just throwing that affirmation that you're on the side of women only.

So yes, I'll be the one to tell you that feminism is helping address the problems behind why women need the empowerment. Or at least recognizing them.

 Because going deep into these issues, this is where I see many "feminists" get uncomfortable or worse: indifferent or ignorant.

Celebrating women is important. But that's not the focal point of feminism. We need to support each other and not just "vocalize" it.

I thought of writing this because it irks me that feminism is shown off like some sort of charity to empower women like you must be a saint or it's an attractive trait. Or feminism is a sudden aesthetic to garner likes and followers by showing bland empowerment quotes and women-centric art. People are starting pages, preaching ladies to be stronger and call themselves feminists but have no idea that "feminism" is more than just encouraging women. It's also not as simple as telling women to dress how we want because clothing is never an excuse, when we still have an environment of predators and sexism we need to eradicate.

Feminism is not only about saying to the world your outpouring support for women and gender equality. It's an agenda to push for fairness and justice for women and in many situations, that doesn't always mean to push for equality. Gender equality, for what it's worth, is a nice goal to attain. But if we gotta be academically specific because we surely have to be since I am discussing feminism after all, feminism is recognizing equity, above all. Simply put, equity is pushing for equality based on respective needs of both sexes. And as proven in past literature and reports, needs of women are never addressed and still have a long way to go before we achieve that parity.

Feminism is fighting for equal pay for equal amounts of work between men and women. Feminism is not allowing women to be belittled in doing what they can do.
But Feminism is also knowing that needs of women are not equal to that of men. It's respecting and fighting for our rights which in many cases, are not biologically the same as that of men's, like maternity needs and periods and the fact women are at more risks to other diseases than men.

Living by feminism is a check of what ideals you personally follow and the people you interact with. It disgusts me seeing girls especially, as much as I do appreciate their "women empowerment" slogans and banners that only concern on aesthetics and don't touch the real issues, still tolerate the kind of men and women in their circle who don't respect women or anyone in general. Who date men who are absolutely disgusting and disrespect and sexualizes females. Who pretty much don't care about the victims of abuse, rape, etc. Who ignore that women need treatment for trauma, depression. etc.

Because of course, the "feminist" in you aesthetic chasers think a slogan saying "YOU GO GIRL! " will solve everything. You get me here.

I have met many people who learn that I am a feminist (which I don't say) and the first thing they say is that I probably hate men and I think am better than men which is the usual misconception with feminism. But another misconception? It's simply siding with women, cheering them on when you have no idea on the issues and are indifferent to the reality.

People will read this and think maybe I'm raining on people's parade of girly photoshop skills on their empty "feminism" campaigns on Instagram and other social media.

There's a need to discuss the deeper context of feminism especially if we do aim to make everyone feminists. And that it's not okay to think people will be content by ONLY telling women to rise up and chase goals and do whatever the heck we want. It's never that simple. We have to also contribute for better conditions so we women won't fall back again. We have to educate others that it's never alright to bypass and violate our rights.

Yes, it's important to make women feel better about themselves but let's be more sustainable and longterm with our feminist goals.

So to the faux feminists who just use it for the image more than the ideology: LEAVE, BRUHA KA (As quoted by Sanchez, 2020)



About "Let's Discuss" in my blog

 This series is aimed to bring into discussion (duh) about current issues that are multifaceted yet only spoke of through a binary. Issues that are not only black and white but have sensitive gray matter which is expansive, complicated, and often ignored.

love

House/Home

May 27, 2020


Hello! Here's one of the poetry I've written during the quarantine, which to be honest I barely wrote any poetry during quarantine.  I definitely had to think hard for weeks before posting this one, because I felt I was doing well the past few months since I last went out with someone exclusively. Whatever happened in the past doesn't bother me. Don't think it should especially when it's done.

If I do come to a decision to post this, it's because of the poem alone. This is not a gateway for wanting reconnection nor is it my affirmation I never got over something. :)

I've always been stronger without a man.

My poem: House/Home by yours truly


Poetry

A Young Twenty-Something

May 22, 2020

This poem was originally written as a short post but I experimented and pretty much separated and lined phrases and sentences. I saw it came out quite good this way, I liked it better than just three paragraphs of my random thoughts as a twenty-something still wondering through this life. Anyways, here is my post slash somewhat poem "A Young Twenty-Something." 


All these thoughts buzzing through, telling me what or what not to do


A young twenty-something
You have nearly a decade
to map out what to do,
make mistakes if you have to.
Or maybe you're a twenty-something
who needs to shape up
and be the man of the house.
You're young, in your twenties,
but wondering about that something.


What's that something?
 I guess it's in these
"young twenty-something" years
you question the inexplicable
Existence? Purpose? Meaning of it all?
What is that "all" at all?


I'm a twenty-something.
Does that mean I'm dying at forty or fifty?
Over mentally arduous pondering,
over a forever mid-life crisis?

Poetry

What to do with Fear (Poem)

May 16, 2020



I remember I wrote this poem earlier this year, during a seemingly rocky day. Horrid days weren't constant, but I did experience it a few times, a few more than the zero I expected. This was before the quarantine to contain the virus and I remember being much more afraid of losing whatever mattered to me then.

Apparently, here I am some months later. I learned that I needed to look at fear in the eye and accept that fear won't let me keep everything I once valued. I foresaw loss and nothing is worse than when fear overpowered me and whatever I feared came true.

Fear will rock me, shake me until I'm made stronger.

I did gain strength to take charge and walk away from everything I formerly was fearful to lose when I finally was strong enough to accept the pain from my past; snip the agony of the present; and forego the anxiety over the future. Of course, I had to let go of what I wanted to get rid of anyway, like the past pain and future anxiety, but I also had to lose also someone at the present (at least, at the time I wrote this poem) who I wanted to keep so much but I knew it's better to release.

Everything I experienced made way for better things to look forward to despite these trying times of the virus: a much more resilient mind; a new interest; and more time to work on even bigger goals. Who would have known fear would lead to good things?

(Also to my students who remember the figures of speech I taught to them, yes, Fear is used in a Personification way!)

"Fear" by yours truly 



About the QUARANTINE SERIES

 These are a series of posts that discuss mental health, deep thoughts, and random experiences during my time in the quarantine. Details of my battles and my triumphs written like how I write it--with honesty and a little insight.

beauty

Uy, Blushing! (Some of my Fave Blushes Under P300)

May 15, 2020




A lot of people liked the last post I made on my favorite lipsticks and it's nice that I write another makeup related post again since I don't do this often. This time, I want to talk about an item that's either overlooked OR overused: BLUSH!

My love affair with blush started when I was grade school. Studying in an all-girls school then, there were events where I had to wear makeup and since I inherited some used makeup from my older cousin, I used Bench's Prettywhenpinched (It used to be one word dati) and In2It's Lip and Cheek Stain. It really made my face come alive.

Now that I'm working, I outgrew those inky stains that leave indelible ink-level purple-tinted marks on my thumbs. These formulas also don't work well above the base makeup I wore regularly so I stuck to powders and creams...with only one tint that passed the test for me.

I can just smear lipstick on my cheeks and call it a look especially if I'm in a hurry or I need to touch up, but what is life without ACTUAL rouge for your cheeks?

Listed below are some of my favorite "UY BLUSHING" products, of which most are available and accessible!


 1. Colourette Colortints - P299

These are not the same tint formula of the lip and cheek stains I used when I was younger: this one is pigmented and has an oil base, so you better shake it well and shake it good! (Their slogan lol). There are so may shades to choose from and it's tempting to collect them (I had to stop at 6) but a little goes a long way so you'll really have the product for a long time. It also comes in two finishes: Fresh and Matte.

I used to use these often (before I used the next one in this list regularly) because the colors are quite saturated and they really last. My fave one to use is Ava, which is described as a "Warm Nude" and which I also love to use on my lips and eyes as well! Another fave is Kelsey which was my first Colortint and I believe isn't available anymore and is this salmony pink that looks also good for a one color look.

Kelsey is such a pretty pink shade that looks great on the eyes, cheeks, and lips. However, it's super pigmented and it's easy to overdo it

Ava is not only the perfect flush of color on my cheeks but is also a great nude that doesn't wash me out



2. EB Advance Matte Color Stick in Rosy Hue

Okay this was an impulsive buy one night I commuted home from work and came across a Watsons that was still open at around 10:30PM and bought some makeup for the sake of it, this one included. Clay blushes used to be a craze back then and while I was scared to try the actual brand that started it all so I settled for this EB one. I was more drawn to the color, a light nude pink, than the fact it's a clay blush though.

But it really surprised me how long-lasting it was and just how natural-but-better the color was. It is also something I tend to wear when I use full makeup for the whole day since this doesn't move my full coverage foundations away when I apply it (Colourette has this problem). Nakakafresh talaga this blush and the fact it's available everywhere are reasons why you should pick this up.

Using this on your lips will make you look like the living dead but these come in two other shades (a bright red and a terracotta orange) in case you want a multi use product.

Rosy Hue just gives a, well, rosy hue on your cheeks! It's perfect for no-makeup days and days that call for a heavy face.

3.  EB Collection Blush To Go

I'm not sure if this is still available because it was a limited edition launch from last year exclusively sold in Robinsons Department stores. It comes only in one shade, which is this super light pink that has a shimmery sheen to it that isn't overly shiny. If you can find this, I suggest you buy it because it's such a  beautiful blush! It's not super pigmented but it leaves the right amount of "blush" on your cheeks. I use a stiff stippling brush to apply it on my cheeks to get most out of the color.

The formula is kinda weird too because it has this "putty" texture. It's powdery but at the same time, feels like a sorta epoxy texture. (Notice mine has lots of press marks? It's satisfying to press it lol)




4. BYS Powder Blush in Perfectly Peachy - P299

Another product of impulsive late night stress makeup buying in Watsons I come across while commuting home. It's something I bought last year but it's only this year I appreciated this product, which I thought I could used as a bronzer so I don't use up my Physicians Formula Butter Bronzer (Which, fun fact, has yet to hit pan despite me using it often for over a year). It didn't look peach to me since it's more toasty and tan BUT when you apply it to your cheeks, it becomes this perfect flush as if you were burnt a bit from the sun. If there's a powder blush I can recommend to everyone regardless of skintone, it's this one.

It may not be the usual pink flush I'm used to but there's something about Perfectly Peachy that makes the skin come alive.

5. Blk Intense Color Powder Blush in Flushed - P290

I recall walking up the Blk counter because I was eyeing Sun-kissed, an apricot shade I know I didn't have in my blush collection consisting of sheer pinks. But of course, old habits die hard, and I bought this Flushed instead. Flushed is basically the same color as EB Blush to Go but is much more pigmented; has a bit of golden shimmer; and is straight up a powder. You get a decent amount for the price AND the packaging looks more expensive than it looks. IT HAS A MIRROR, I REPEAT. A DECENT MIRROR.

I don't always use this blush but when I do, it pulls much peachy on my skin than pink. It's also easy for me to overdo this blush so it's best to use a fluffy powder brush.

Here's Flushed applied heavily here. 


6. Unicorn Dream Dream Blush in Sweet Pea - P195

I've only used this for a few months and let me tell you how it's now my favorite. One, it's super affordable at P195 which comes with a free dense brush you can use to blend a dot of this blush on your cheek. Two, it smells like fruit gum which I can taste when I apply it on my lips. And three, the color "Sweet Pea" is a gorgeous peach.

The blush is not super pigmented which makes it user-friendly and it comes in an air pump so you can assured you're going to use it down to the last drop. The downside is you have to order online but there are numerous sellers in Shopee who sell this at a discounted price bu it's super worth it. This is the one out of everything I mentioned that I will highly recommend.

Sweet pea is that sweet lang color kahit bitch ka

7. Careline Play to Slay Palette -P275

Okay I wasn't originally intending to include a palette here but the two blushes in this one really surprised me. One, they're both matte and two, they're not super blotchy . They're quite pigmented too but I really like these shades, one's a light rose while the other is like a wearable fuchsia. It's actually  the blushes I'm wearing in the very top photo of this post and the very last. A trick I like to do is to apply a bit of the highlighter first on my cheekbones and a little on my apples and then I apply blush like I normally would. It's super pretty and this palette does give you value for your  money! The eyeshadows are not so bad, not really my favorite, but they're decent and I've used them countless times too.

Although I use the eyeshadows and the highlighter more since I prefer a cream cheek product, my favorite part of this palette  is its blushes!



Here are some additional tips from years of wearing makeup and learning to apply makeup since blush isn't always the first cosmetic a girl will choose and it sometimes makes or break a look:


1. For powder blushes, I find it easier to apply it when everything else in my makeup is powdered with setting powder. In lots of tutorials I see, I notice they usually apply blush after foundation or concealer which makes the blush look so patchy and blotchy. I follow this same rule too for bronzer and contour powders!

2. For liquid and cream blushes, it's best to use a dot or one small swipe for one cheek and build it up slowly.

3. Use tapping motions with your fingers when blending blush, especially if you have foundation underneath. I prefer  using a blending brush, too and just stipple stipple stipple.

4. Unlike my powder blush advice though, do your liquid and cream blushes after your foundation. Let it set a bit but apply this blush BEFORE powdering with a setting powder.

5. You can layer products to make them last longer such as cream/liquids first and then a light dusting of powder blush.

6. I agree with most experts that you shouldn't smile when you apply blush because when you don't smile, the color is placed in a lower part of your face and it drags it down, making you look older. I mean, if it works for you it's alright! People don't die from applying blush on their apples anyway.

What I do when I apply blush is place it a little under my middle part of lower eyelids and then sweep the color towards the temples. IT SOUNDS CRAZY BUT YOUR FACE LOOKS LIFTED AND YOU LOOK YOUNGER. You can also choose to swirl a bit of the color a bit closer to your nose if you want and in the fleshy part of your cheeks.

7. Blush is almost always the first to fade in your makeup look so bring it with you wherever you go. Of course, blot out oil from your face first and powder if you need to before you re-apply your blush.

8. If you apply too much blush, you can brush your foundation brush which still most likely has remnants of your foundation so it can decrease the pigment. Or you can brush powder to slowly tone down the color. To be realistic, it can only be toned down so much by both solutions so if they both fail for you, just brave out with you bright cheeks (I experience this all the time lol).


beauty

My Usual Lip Wardrobe: My Favorite Lippies!

May 13, 2020

Lipstick is my weapon of choice.




If I can survive on two cosmetics alone (because using only one is ridiculous and not so fun), it would definitely be an eyebrow pencil and a lipstick. There's something sensory pleasing with lipstick: opening it, twisting the pigment up, applying it and watching my face transform immediately. Oh, and 90% of lipsticks I own have that oddly satisfying "click" sound when I put the cover back!

So the katana shape of my favorite eyebrow product is really no match for the bullet of my lipstick in terms of how powerful a cosmetic weapon it is to me! 

I tend to gravitate towards natural peachy pink colors. I read so much beauty articles online about how women tend to buy the same shade OVER and OVER and I realize, OMG SAME! Forgive me if you see a pattern here: these are my faves after all.

I own so much lipsticks and if I were to edit it to just less than 10 to wear for the rest of my life, I guess these would be the ones! 


1. Sunnies Face Fluffmatte Lipstick in Vacay - P395

I own a couple of these shades and while I love all of them, Vacay is my top pick. Described as a "peachy papaya", it's the perfect color to liven up my skin. Its peach tone leans a little more orange than pink but it's not garish. I love this color also on the cheeks! I think this is my most used lipstick and I often bring this shade with me. It's also such a delectable and creamy formula, not as addictively whipped like their Lip Dip but it's comfortable.

Vacay is a no-frills lip shade that I reach out for errands usually

2. Maybelline Superstay Matte Ink in Versatile - P299

As much as I love Vacay, this liquid lipstick from Maybelline is actually the one I'll choose if I were to only choose one lipstick for the rest of my life. It doesn't have that "peachy papaya" magic Sunnies has but it's still a neutral peachy beige color I love whether with barely any makeup or with a full face. The formula is SUPER DUPER LONG LASTING and can survive anything without a retouch (eating, drinking, workouts, makeouts...you name it!). It's drying and hard to take off but the nice thing about it is that unlike other matte liquid lipstics, this smoothens flakes. Maybe it's just me? But it seems to plaster any texture smooth unlike other liquid lipsticks that emphasize and cling to them.

Like Vacay, Versatile is my lip shade of choice when I don't know what to wear. This is also usually my lip color for work or long days.

Versatile looks so good with many makeup looks for me, too!

3. Maybelline Superstay Matte Ink in Delicate - P299

Before I regularly used Versatile, I used Delicate TO DEATH. It's this nice nudey pink that has enough warmth that it doesn't look too pale on my face. It's a pink that looks good on anyone!


Delicate is that shade that definitely makes you feel prettier
My own tube of Delicate survived both World Wars

4. Maybelline Superstay Matte Ink in Seductress - P299

My first Matte Ink is this shade in Seductress, which is my perfect nude. I like using this shade as a as it is or dab a little of it when something I wear is a little to pink or red for my taste. Or if I feel like doing a gradient lip, I use this as my base too!

Obviously failing being an actual seductress here but Seductress is a nude shade that looks great with simple or dramatic makeup.

5. Sunnies Face Lip Dip in Posh - P395

Formula-wise, this is my favorite. It's so plush and siliconey and I like how smooth and slippery it feels. The color "Posh" is my favorite and when I first got it, I used it non-stop for weeks. Models in the ads just dab a bit of the cream and make a stained, blurred look but honey, I like full on color! Downside to this is it doesn't last long but I love how velvety it is so I don't mind retouching often. The shade also looks great to use on the eyes!

Described as a "rosy mauve", I find it's hard to photograph the color in person. It's much more brownish and the color translates quite differently across all skintones. It looks like a pinky brown on some while it looks like a medium reddish brown to others.

Warning though: I noticed this formula doesn't mix well with other lip colors, even other shades of the Lip Dip. Must be the silicones in it.

Used Posh in both my lips and eyes! Felt super posh


6. Sunnies Face Fluffmatte Lipstick in Baked - P395

This was my very first Sunnies Face item. It's this peachy terracotta that I never stopped wearing. It's a little deeper and browner than Vacay but it's a shade that looks great on anyone!




NOW HERE'S THE BEST PART: You can definitely mix and match the shades! These and a clear, sheer pink, or golden shimmery gloss will definitely elevate them in a different way! Below are some looks I made in the past mixing these lipsticks.

Remember, since these are mostly neutral lipsticks, these won't result to red or plum colors lmfao


I used a golden shimmery lip topper on top of Baked here. It looks even prettier in person!

This was Delicate when I applied a sheer nude gloss over it.

Baked and Vacay is an obvious combination but it's still really pretty.


Delicate definitely looks a bit pinker here thinks to a sheer fuschia lip gloss I glossed over

This looked a little browner in person but this was Seductress beneath Baked

Delicate topped with Vacay is the perfect peachy pink!

Quarantine Edition

Forgive Yourself

May 09, 2020


A photo from 2017. Wish I can tell her, it's not your fault and you're stronger than you think you are


It's time to forgive yourself, I told myself during quarantine.

Basically, I've been telling myself this for years but I stored that urge of needing to get in terms of what I experienced because that process involved something I had to relive consciously, which was still a painful thing to even bring up.

But when an unexpected emotional relapse happened earlier this year because of being reminded of a past, with bouts of breakdowns at night and watching the person I first dated seriously in years walk away a few months back because he couldn't quite handle some of my breakdowns I never quite explained, I felt devastated.

I haven't spoken to a counselor since I was a fresh grad, because prior to me starting to work I was consistent with my therapy and my medication I was on then. I made sure I faced the real world knowing I did treatment well. I had improvements until I was told that I was well enough to not rely on my medicine anymore. I learned along the way healthy ways of coping my emotions.

Speaking to the counselor on the phone nearly two months ago, a start of many nights of puzzling what I should have long fixed, I knew I wasn't as helpless as I was a few years ago. It's not like I tried taking my own life nor I'm deliberately ruining it. However, I already felt something was wrong, unsettled.

So what about the past made me so afraid to accept it and fear for the future ?

I hated my mind because there were some few times it would just punish me with all the past trauma. I've seen so much improvement the past three years and not even myself expected that I'll be back to this original square of how I feel guilty over so many things.

I coped with pushing myself to do things. I got involved with getting active and watching lots of gigs in order to lift my spirits. When I graduated, I immersed myself in my work. Since I also earned money, it's easy for me to treat myself somewhere nice or leave the house when I wanted to.

Some moments I was stuck immobile in the house, I even had something to do such as writing literature, reading books, watching shows.

Yet there were moments within those three years, an extreme rarity, where I was stuck with my mind and I remember everything and just cry all over again.

And funny how this quarantine made those thoughts, thoughts of never forgiving myself and having that guilt with whatever bad thing is happening around me, much more magnified.

I wondered, why was it much more magnified this year? After a year of treatment and then another two years of functioning well, of normal interactions, of not even lashing out at people. Why did this relapse happen when I least expected it? After 3 years? Just when I'm ready to settle with someone?

Funny how I forgave people last year I never thought I'd forgive ever yet here I am, still not able to forgive myself. There is always that feeling of me having the fault in whatever I experienced, whatever I put people around me through. That there were moments in life I wished I deleted or erased so I'd feel like I had no baggage.

 I hated that word: baggage. It's negative, and the actual baggage a person carries is often ridiculed and emphasized even if the person 99% of the time functions normally, yet they're defined by society by their baggage carried. There's a stigma to people like that, that they're toxic. I hated it because I had my own burden of thoughts brought by wicked experiences, does that make me a "toxic" person?

The counselor assured me I'm not. The people around me assured me I'm not. Just because a relapse happened, the improvement was not valid. And just because I was able to get stronger from a past experience doesn't mean it won't make me cry sometimes.

I'm doing great, they say. I'm doing amazing.

But yet, the guilt. Why was it still there? I tearfully asked. Why was I still mad at myself for everything?

"Why didn't you share it sooner?" The calm-sounding lady asked me.

"I didn't want to worry people around me. I didn't want to seem like it still holds heavily on me after so long." It really wasn't my thing to share my emotions. I knew it's my business to deal and I've always known how to handle it anyway so I just kept it in.

"You know, that's not toxic. At all."

But the more things get kept in, it will pile....and pile....and then burst. Boy, did I learn that the hard way. Yet still, not diabolical. It's just some people need a little assistance on how to deal especially when they don't intend to hurt or worry with something as complex as the past.

Sharing is never easy. Coming to terms, recognizing the actual emotions....

Countless of times, I say sorry. I always think small things are my responsibility, because other serious matters always seem to be mine too.

"Did you do those things?"

"No but--"

"Why are you sorry for things you didn't even do? Why are you guilty for things others did?"

I've been hearing this also from even the people dearest to me. You did nothing wrong. No one wanted that to happen. And I can't blame myself for what I won't even wish on my own enemies. It's no use to also transfer all that energy I felt to those cruel people who actually did those actions.

I was told guilt is the worst emotion. It's worse than anger, sadness, everything because it's a manifestation of all those plus you cancelling yourself out. The only thing worse than feeling a negative emotion is if you're blaming yourself for it.

Close friends and the counselor all told me this note: I'm doing well, I'm doing great because I did stand up and improved myself all this years. I came forward and reached out for help this time when I  felt I needed it. There's nothing wrong with me.

It's not my fault whatever happened, happened.

I had no reason to tear myself apart in my head when all these years, I just continued being the best I can be when I could have chosen to spiral even downwards. That even if this year saw my emotional relapse, I was never a quitter. I never wilted. I cried, but I still fought hard to make sure I never was weak. Even with the past few years of me unable to be kind to myself because of the past, I already did myself  more favors by never  backing down and instead chased my goals and built more.

I've always been healthy and functioning, never toxic. Even the strongest will have to curl up in a ball and cry, get mad and scream but I never stopped my life nor let go of my resiliency just to give the biggest space for this vulnerability. My breakdowns don't define me AND don't last. I haven't had a serious one since I spoke to a counsellor sometimes and started opening up more to a few close friends during this quarantine.

Maybe this time, for the first time in so many years, I felt at peace in that aspect I tried so hard to address yet ran away from. That, finally, I can forgive myself and put this behind me for good.


About the QUARANTINE SERIES

 These are a series of posts that discuss mental health, deep thoughts, and random experiences during my time in the quarantine. Details of my battles and my triumphs written like how I write it--with honesty and a little insight.

I Come from A Long Line of Warrior Women

May 05, 2020

"Darna!"

The past weeks saw me experiencing all sorts of emotions and coming up with different ways to cope, from anxiety over the virus to pressure from work to grief over losses. One of these feelings I felt recently involved the feeling of insecurity and some self-doubt. For the first time in a long time, I felt the high self-esteem and self-love I built from years of working on myself suddenly rattled by some who choose to see the worst in me.

Being reminded of my worth, I had a lovely talk with my mom telling me that I come from a long line of warrior women. They are not bloodthirsty but they are just as lethal; women who can captivate you with their charm but definitely are skilled in war that is real life.

I look at my mom, my aunts, my grandmother, her sisters, and my great grandma: all who have beauty, brains, and most important of all: bravery. All traits I wished as a kid I had but was realistic enough to know I wasn't pretty so I will only focus on the brains part. Even if I was a sassy kid, I was still considered shy to be fully extroverted so instead I focused on how I endure difficulties.

Each women I looked at have experienced their own set of trials. The usual stories I know are that they were all classical beauties, have graced pageants or print ads, basically stories that made me yawn as a kid. But, as I soon learned, they were fierce and unbreakable: the kind of woman I aspire even until now.

I come from a long line of warrior women and their DNA, blood are what molded me today and are what run through my veins.

Starting with my late great-grandmother who was my idol since I was younger, one of the main reasons I want to be a professor. She was a Carnival queen in the day yet decided to be a professor in the academe, a bold move for a woman during the 20s, 30s. Born a Muslim, she married my great grandfather who's a Spanish mestizo Christian and also in the academe. I admired the beauty, brains, and bravery of hers, only hoping I can be this headstrong someday to choose what I am passionate to do, to choose who I want to love, despite expectation and the norms.

My great-grandmother in her Miss Philippines days at the Manila Carnival. Photo credit from manilacarnivals.blogspot.com

Other women in my family also have a story to tell of survival in the most difficult periods of their lives, from obtaining PhD's in their chosen field to excelling in law or politics to killing it as accomplished educators to being brave to walk away from a bad marriage, yet still coming out more radiant like how diamonds are formed under pressure.

I've been reminded that coming from this kind of female lineage and how each generation upheld the strength yet maintained their loveliness through it all, I too possess something as magical and that realization made me feel even more worthy than I ever felt.

Not everyone I know was happy I decided to pursue writing since even as a kid, I already had activism in me and still remain outspoken on issues. However, pursuing my passion in an industry where you not only have to be sharp but also be fearless, is an assurance that I've already started my path in not letting down the women before me I absolutely looked up to.

I wanted to do something for this country and utilize the education I was blessed with. Like a true enlightened one, or what they say in the colonial era, an "Ilustrado." Sure, maybe my relatives tell me I could be earning more abroad or could be doing much more but I'll continue to fight where I am now because it's here where I'm needed the most.

 And even with the people in my family who want me to take a different road, they all root for me and say that this is something definitely women I idolized in the clan will be impressed and proud of.

I was reminded that even if I think that I'm not getting out of my shell enough, I've always been courageous in more ways than one and strong-willed in going after what is right and just. That even if I feel like I'm not as brilliant, I have always had intelligence and adaptability to handle challenges around me and succeed. That even if I say I'm not as gorgeous, I know I was passed on the same inner beauty that defines me more than the deep-set eyes, high cheekbones, arched eyebrows, and full lips--dare I say, the same face as my mom and great grandmother--I inherited.

I was advised that if there is anyone who won't see that worth in me, they simply don't matter. The one who DOES matter, will see and accept me for who I am. What's important is that the first person to do that is myself.

No man, nor anyone, can put a strong woman down.

"The kind of woman that you are is timeless, passed on by the women before you and will live on to the generations after," I was told. That I too, share the same sparkle in my eye and grit in my actions to the beautiful and bright ladies in my ancestry and it's up to me to believe that I am just like them.

I know I am a warrior woman. I've always been and now, I will continue to believe so.
EDIT: Earlier publication of this entry stated my great grandma, Princess Norma Maulana Mercado, is a Manila Carnival Queen. So this is where the complicated bits of pageantry comes to play which I need to clarify here: the specific pageant she joined in was the 1927  Miss Philippines held in the Manila Carnival, so technically she was a Carnival queen but she's actually Miss Philippines din? Di ko din gets? Basta yun. She specifically won Miss Mindanao. Sorry for this confusion! Pati ako naconfuse! 

Closer

May 04, 2020

Blurry, hazy, and dreamy; like your memory of me close
Here's a piece from from my writing vault! Background about this piece: I wrote "Closer" some over four years ago and posted it in my old Tumblr site. I recall writing this when I was all amorous for someone but that is long done and over and I have no interest in looking back. The only thing I will look back into though, is the fact that some of the many beautiful things I wrote were done while in love (and also while I was hurt). Don't think I'll be writing this way again any time soon hehe charot! (Bayan at sarili muna, as always)

 "Closer" (2016)


Come close to me on a night like this…

 I look at you from the driver’s seat stirring both wheels: that of this car we’re in and the wheels to my heart. Smile the way you always do, as if I weren’t dying over you already. Alcohol made me feel more heady and how this along with rapid heartbeats and raging hormones is a dangerous combination…

Yes, hold my hand and sway it as we walk the dimly lit streets. The moon is above us and the sun threatening to come. Let me look up at you and remember why moments like these are special. Look down at me and may it remind you that someone adores you as much as you adore me.

Me. You. Off to somewhere else.

Pull me down to the bed and kiss me hard. Caress me if you will. Let’s take it all off: fears, apprehensions, tension. Let’s take it all off: stuffy outfits, buckled belts, lacy lingerie. Let’s take it all off: old flames, still heartaches, bad memories.Let’s just take everything off and come even closer…

Look me in the eyes and let your flesh passionately say what your mouth can’t. Sounds we make range from soft to hard. Hope we didn’t wake anyone but boy is it way past my bedtime now. You change the context of “bedtime” now: in bed now with you is heaven with actions that could send us to hell.

Put my hands behind me and take charge. We’re both equals in this affair we have but I’m allowing you to take over me. Let me take over you some other time–or maybe right after now. The struggle is too real, too swift. I feel your weight: the pounds of your body and the intensity of your stare. I need to make it up to you for that: I will be the lightweight who will rule on top of you next.

The heat comes in way too overwhelmingly but darling, I’d gladly bask myself in it if it means I’ll be with you. Snuggle next to me and let’s cuddle until god knows when. Pull a piece of hair away from my face and kiss me if you will. The absence of clothes and cold from two warm bodies heated by boiling passion becomes much more than a wonderful dream now.

Come close to me on a night like this. Come fast after I tease you until morning. Come gently as you come in rough. Come closer, closer I plea...