"Darna!"

The past weeks saw me experiencing all sorts of emotions and coming up with different ways to cope, from anxiety over the virus to pressure from work to grief over losses. One of these feelings I felt recently involved the feeling of insecurity and some self-doubt. For the first time in a long time, I felt the high self-esteem and self-love I built from years of working on myself suddenly rattled by some who choose to see the worst in me.

Being reminded of my worth, I had a lovely talk with my mom telling me that I come from a long line of warrior women. They are not bloodthirsty but they are just as lethal; women who can captivate you with their charm but definitely are skilled in war that is real life.

I look at my mom, my aunts, my grandmother, her sisters, and my great grandma: all who have beauty, brains, and most important of all: bravery. All traits I wished as a kid I had but was realistic enough to know I wasn't pretty so I will only focus on the brains part. Even if I was a sassy kid, I was still considered shy to be fully extroverted so instead I focused on how I endure difficulties.

Each women I looked at have experienced their own set of trials. The usual stories I know are that they were all classical beauties, have graced pageants or print ads, basically stories that made me yawn as a kid. But, as I soon learned, they were fierce and unbreakable: the kind of woman I aspire even until now.

I come from a long line of warrior women and their DNA, blood are what molded me today and are what run through my veins.

Starting with my late great-grandmother who was my idol since I was younger, one of the main reasons I want to be a professor. She was a Carnival queen in the day yet decided to be a professor in the academe, a bold move for a woman during the 20s, 30s. Born a Muslim, she married my great grandfather who's a Spanish mestizo Christian and also in the academe. I admired the beauty, brains, and bravery of hers, only hoping I can be this headstrong someday to choose what I am passionate to do, to choose who I want to love, despite expectation and the norms.

My great-grandmother in her Miss Philippines days at the Manila Carnival. Photo credit from manilacarnivals.blogspot.com

Other women in my family also have a story to tell of survival in the most difficult periods of their lives, from obtaining PhD's in their chosen field to excelling in law or politics to killing it as accomplished educators to being brave to walk away from a bad marriage, yet still coming out more radiant like how diamonds are formed under pressure.

I've been reminded that coming from this kind of female lineage and how each generation upheld the strength yet maintained their loveliness through it all, I too possess something as magical and that realization made me feel even more worthy than I ever felt.

Not everyone I know was happy I decided to pursue writing since even as a kid, I already had activism in me and still remain outspoken on issues. However, pursuing my passion in an industry where you not only have to be sharp but also be fearless, is an assurance that I've already started my path in not letting down the women before me I absolutely looked up to.

I wanted to do something for this country and utilize the education I was blessed with. Like a true enlightened one, or what they say in the colonial era, an "Ilustrado." Sure, maybe my relatives tell me I could be earning more abroad or could be doing much more but I'll continue to fight where I am now because it's here where I'm needed the most.

 And even with the people in my family who want me to take a different road, they all root for me and say that this is something definitely women I idolized in the clan will be impressed and proud of.

I was reminded that even if I think that I'm not getting out of my shell enough, I've always been courageous in more ways than one and strong-willed in going after what is right and just. That even if I feel like I'm not as brilliant, I have always had intelligence and adaptability to handle challenges around me and succeed. That even if I say I'm not as gorgeous, I know I was passed on the same inner beauty that defines me more than the deep-set eyes, high cheekbones, arched eyebrows, and full lips--dare I say, the same face as my mom and great grandmother--I inherited.

I was advised that if there is anyone who won't see that worth in me, they simply don't matter. The one who DOES matter, will see and accept me for who I am. What's important is that the first person to do that is myself.

No man, nor anyone, can put a strong woman down.

"The kind of woman that you are is timeless, passed on by the women before you and will live on to the generations after," I was told. That I too, share the same sparkle in my eye and grit in my actions to the beautiful and bright ladies in my ancestry and it's up to me to believe that I am just like them.

I know I am a warrior woman. I've always been and now, I will continue to believe so.



EDIT: Earlier publication of this entry stated my great grandma, Princess Norma Maulana Mercado, is a Manila Carnival Queen. So this is where the complicated bits of pageantry comes to play which I need to clarify here: the specific pageant she joined in was the 1927  Miss Philippines held in the Manila Carnival, so technically she was a Carnival queen but she's actually Miss Philippines din? Di ko din gets? Basta yun. She specifically won Miss Mindanao. Sorry for this confusion! Pati ako naconfuse!