A Gill and A Way

3/16/21

You told me once, I give you intimacy

What exactly is intimacy?

Maybe for you it means the comfortable silences

during night drives

and the laughs in between drinks

and alcohol-laced kisses 

or it could be the fogged-up windows

on nights we're skin to skin

But if you show no interest when I reveal 

rare admissions from the deepest of my soul

How I sometimes feel my world falling apart

and you are not someone I could turn to

How I wanted consolation and comfort

other than a person I feel passion with

causing my heart to feel so far away from you

even if you're here looking into my eyes

Then I was never intimate with you

nor will you ever be with me

Hey everyone!

Wow, my first post for this 2021! It has been a crazy two months on my end but I never forget to write a little on the side. 

This poem was actually the first one I wrote for the year last January. The title says it really; formerly liking a person who is fragile and hard to navigate. And, a little inspired by "China" by Furns which is one of my all time fave songs.

It took me a while to think about posting this here but well, it's all in the past now--as vases gather dust in maintaining pristine and untouchable. :) 

China by yours truly

 

Hey guys! Wow, it's been a month since I last wrote or posted something here. 

It may be ✨✨Virgo Szn ✨✨ but here is a poem of mine from what might be an amazing Leo season last month. Now, I can only look forward to whatever is in store whether stormy or sunny, uncertain or sure. Amid this pandemic, let's remember there's always a certain light that glows despite the world growing grim and dim. 

"To Light" by yours truly

Hello! Here's one of the poetry I've written during the quarantine, which to be honest I barely wrote any poetry during quarantine.  I definitely had to think hard for weeks before posting this one, because I felt I was doing well the past few months since I last went out with someone exclusively. Whatever happened in the past doesn't bother me. Don't think it should especially when it's done.

If I do come to a decision to post this, it's because of the poem alone. This is not a gateway for wanting reconnection nor is it my affirmation I never got over something. :)

I've always been stronger without a man.

My poem: House/Home by yours truly

All these thoughts buzzing through, telling me what or what not to do

I remember I wrote this poem earlier this year, during a seemingly rocky day. Horrid days weren't constant, but I did experience it a few times, a few more than the zero I expected. This was before the quarantine to contain the virus and I remember being much more afraid of losing whatever mattered to me then.

Apparently, here I am some months later. I learned that I needed to look at fear in the eye and accept that fear won't let me keep everything I once valued. I foresaw loss and nothing is worse than when fear overpowered me and whatever I feared came true.

Fear will rock me, shake me until I'm made stronger.

I did gain strength to take charge and walk away from everything I formerly was fearful to lose when I finally was strong enough to accept the pain from my past; snip the agony of the present; and forego the anxiety over the future. Of course, I had to let go of what I wanted to get rid of anyway, like the past pain and future anxiety, but I also had to lose also someone at the present (at least, at the time I wrote this poem) who I wanted to keep so much but I knew it's better to release.

Everything I experienced made way for better things to look forward to despite these trying times of the virus: a much more resilient mind; a new interest; and more time to work on even bigger goals. Who would have known fear would lead to good things?

(Also to my students who remember the figures of speech I taught to them, yes, Fear is used in a Personification way!)




About the QUARANTINE SERIES

These are a series of posts that discuss mental health, deep thoughts, and random experiences during my time in the quarantine. Details of my battles and my triumphs written like how I write it--with honesty and a little insight.

You, Woman

Remember you're a strong one. A powerhouse of wonder. That's who you are.

When there are those who doubted you, you continue to fight the negativity. Fail if you must and if it isn't avoided. But never forget that that isn't the only try you're going to have. Success is always there, waiting and it will be sweeter for you.

When gender and sex is used as barrier to keep you from reaching your best, show that a woman isn't meant to stay only in the background or on the ground. A woman strives in this man-made world to make herself complete, not to compete.

When there are expectations for you to stay at home or be the doting wife, don't dismiss that thought for other women aspire that. Just simply show the world there's another option to life which is to make your own mark in this world. Or aspire to be both if you want.

When the road gets tougher despite pushing yourself harder, know when to take a moment then continue giving all your might. More than might, do it with all your heart. You will watch yourself survive through thunderous storms.

When you see your fellow women take a hit in their lives the same way you have experienced, always do what you can to help. We will only be the ones to understand our struggles. We will need to support each other if we want to make an improvement for every woman.

When a man cannot accept the love you give, give the love you have to the whole universe that reveres you. You are a phenomenal deity worthy of adoration. More than giving love, learn to save the biggest chunk for yourself.

When you're given the option to settle for less, look away. If you have gotten far in many aspects through your efforts, don't think that some are exempted by lowering your standards. You're the queen and fair ruler, not someone who can be pushed to what she doesn't deserve.

Remember you're the moon and stars across the skies. You should be looked up and admired, not allowing yourself to be lower than you should be.

You, Woman, are a woman. That's who you are. Never forget that

(5/25/19)

It was never a skin to skin communication.

It wasn't initially powered by lust (as most forbidden romances should be)

But it nearly got there, and we both knew well and turned back.

I hear our hearts beat fast, our energies in hesitance

I sit beside you, a shirt fiber away, too afraid that any closer

will lead me to never letting you go

You sit beside me, and look at my hand that you long to grab

with my fingers locked to yours

We watch people around us, see cars pass by

but would then look into each others' eyes

What's in those eyes, what's in your mind?

I look farther into a corner, knowing this is as far as we will go

before others find out what they shouldn't know

Note: I've had these words for almost two months now and I figured I just had the strength to finally be open about it. So to you who definitely knows it's him I'm writing about, I hope you have a good life before we both really close this chapter. For good.

I prayed for you.

I prayed for you when I was a young teen, thinking I was too good for boys my age who have yet to reach puberty. I prayed for you when I was in highschool, huffing at those potential suitors I deemed unworthy (lol). I prayed for you when I got into college even when I stopped believing whom I'm supposed to ask these prayers to.

Then you came, and then you went. We both went separate ways.

Yet, I still prayed for you. I prayed for you to be happy even if it will be in the arms of someone else. I prayed for you on your birthdays because those were the only times I remembered you. I prayed for you even if I was mad, disappointed, shattered, indifferent.

But you came again. Just when I stopped the prayers.

I will not lie that someone I considered an answered prayer in the form of a handsome sinner will always have a place in my heart, even if he didn't deserve any presence in my life. That you got me the moment you said you will make it up to me. I think of what could have been had we not parted or maybe if I prayed harder enough. Yet you came back when I never even thought of you as a regular person to pray for, except when occasional nostalgia kicks in.

Yet no amount of prayer, time, effort,words could ever keep you around this time. No amount of begging to heavens will make you see how much I loved you. That I wanted so bad to be the person you didn't have to pray for to stay because I was already here for you to only try to keep. That angels have warned me about you in both times you entered my life, cautioning that you weren't exactly the plan the divine had for me.

Then you left again.

In my mind I would've held your hands tighter enough for you to stay. That maybe I shouldn't have said those words that scared you away. But I didn't and I did. And I saw what little answers to my lifelong prayers for someone like you were actually the big sign that tell me you weren't meant to be mine.

I stopped praying altogether. Yet somehow, I received a blessing I consider worthy of the spot in my life you failed to occupy. I received the answer I never expected because when I thought every shot in making things work with you are nothing to someone who was already right for me from the start. When the time comes you will be sailing back into my life, you'll find me in the arms of someone who isn't you and will never be.

No use in running away.

(Originally titled "Beach Boy") 

If I’m your destination, clearly you only see clear blue seas and fluffy skies that build an image that isn’t me. You’ll be busy being on edges of an island where waters kiss the shore, with sand in your toes

A throwback photo of my short hair and still-love for coffee

A #FlashbackFriday post because this was the first spoken word piece I performed in my first open mic back in 2015. In that year of hugot being the main theme of selling out in spoken word, I chose to speak about my beloved coffee.🤣

Ironically, I remember this piece at a time that for 2018, I will stop drinking coffee--at least, stop drinking coffee when I don't need it. 😉


So here's "To Thee, Coffee" by your truly ❤☕


My dosage of you has become alarmingly high. Maybe not as precarious as before, but still…

As time for myself gets even more little as the workload and stress keep increasing, the dainty coffee cups have upgraded into huge ass  mugs filled with your liquid magic. 

I question the efficacy of your caffeine content because no matter how much I consume you, I don’t feel anymore the energizing effects you once give or like a person who’s finally free from tiredness.

But I still drink you up anyway because you remind me of everything familiar that I long for. The smell makes me smile and a mere drop on my tongue makes me go nostalgic. 

In some ways, you are my little luxury. Maybe even borderline addiction. You are like cocaine mixed with grounded beans that take 5 years to grow. You are my Saturday night shot of tequila disguised as murky brown liquid in my morning mug.

I never take you the way you are. I like sugar and sweetness. I like cream on you or maybe whipped on me(ooh kinky). I like those fancy sounding flavors and their half-successful attempts. I like knowing there is more to you than just water scattered with your dull brown pixie dust.

A growing kid needs milk and sleep in order to grow taller. But I pour milk into you while I stay up until the wee hours of the morning. It’s kinda defeating the purpose, don’t you think?

Despite writing this love letter cum post of appreciation slash product of boredom, I never forget that somewhat hatred I had for you. Maybe I had too much of you and got too sick so I stopped downing you for a long time. My acidity can’t handle you at times. Occasional menstrual cramps become agonizing if I take you. Or probably I just prefer drinking tea  or hot cocoa when I feel like it.

But I genuinely love you and would not do without you. Having you with me–actually, having you in me–is a joyous thing. As you run through my veins promising me to give me a sudden rush and high, in reality I’m just crashing again and again.

Even without you, my dearest coffee, at all.

Probably one of the most memorable nights of my college life which I realize just happened exactly two years ago last week.

Funny story: I actually forgot I had a Hello Poetry profile once upon a time. It's in that account where I had published some poems online. Recently, some of my students came across it while digging dirt about me (*gulps*)and saw my old poems. I can't help but revisit them myself!

Since today is Thursday, I decided to share this one poem and a throwback photo from a Happy T two years back. I definitely am not as wild as I used to be when I was a Frosh and Sophomore(pero mas mataas grades ko noon ah compared to when I stopped partying chos defensive ko lol) and will spend today like the lola in me I've already embraced.

For others wanting to feel alive today(and tonight), enjoy! 🍻

Poem from hellopoetry.com

Also, check the poetry tag to see more of my works I posted here on my blog! 💛

Note: In remembrance of October being Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to post entries here on my blog about the dark and private aspects of my personal mental struggles. Normally, I don't like openly discussing my own trials with depression or past abuses but I want to shed light so people can have the courage to speak up and triumph over them. Some of these posts were written ages ago but weren't posted immediately for fear of being seen a different way. Regardless of my experiences and diagnosis, I am strong and brave. I may be messed up and messed around but I will not give anyone--especially myself, my own worst enemy--the license to mess with my life. 

First post to this series is in this link: http://agillandaway.blogspot.com/2017/10/im-speaking-out-in-time-of-harvey.html

Second Post to this series: http://agillandaway.blogspot.com/2017/10/being-confident-with-my-face-and-body.html

This month, I wanted to go back again to the world of spoken word open mics. Normally, in these places I'd normally recite my most "hugot" of pieces that would normally stir the crowd. Recently, as I've become a bit more open about my struggles I decided to post a poem I would have performed had some unfortunate circumstances happened on the actual event(like *coughs* organizers *cough cough*). This first one of three pieces I would've performed this month(the other two maybe I'd post when I have the strength to do so since they are pretty long and personal spoken word pieces as opposed to this which is just a short and sweet one)is about overcoming depression even if I still have it. It's chronic, after all but like what my counselor says, we learn to manage it so we can still live our lives meaningfully.


"I'm a Survivor of Many Things"

Photo by Lance Kristoff Cortez

If you know me well, you will know I have this obsession with anything celestial. I love writing about them and I have made so much poetry on the moon, sun, and stars. I have yet to write anything about planets, though! It might be my next writing assignment for myself 🙂

You can argue that this poem is sorta like selling yourself and of course, you won't sell yourself short.😉

Here's "My Universe" by yours truly

(Note: The original form of this poem was only the first stanza then I decided to add to it. I was inspired by the stag ladies that night of my grad ball--me included hihi.)

The Lone and Lovely by yours truly 😀

Dear, not-so-dear dear

While the world seems to look up more than our love ever did, your departure left a permanent dent to my heart already punctured with wounds from the past. No, I have not been doing fine--least the walls I once surrounded myself in and slowly broke for you revealed the harsh reality of what love is. How it seems so easy to throw away a union that you made me believe will never cease or how it is effortless for you to just walk away just when I had the strength to fight for us both. No, I haven’t been fine. Since the walls I built when I was a little girl devastated over her parents’ separation and fear for commitment demolished mercilessly, I could only focus at the ground and look at the rubble.

But it is because of the absence of all the brick & cement, fear and doubt that I finally looked at how stunning sunsets can be and how amazing it gives way for the stars to play. It made me realize how the sun will rise again, giving me a chance of another day and maybe—surely, another love. The walls are down and you are gone but that does not mean it isn’t for nothing. I always thought I was weak and would wither away but I realize I’m the one who loved you fiercely and indefinitely. I loved you at your worst. I guess the universe knew that someone out there would handle it better and that wouldn’t be you.

No, I’m not fine. I don’t get your good morning texts anymore but at least I’m greeted by the ray of sunshine assuring me that my day will be great if I allow it to. No, you don’t message me goodnight but I’ll have the cool wind and moon’s glow look after me. These are the very things I haven’t felt when my walls once stood up. These are the very things I feel now you left. So yes, I may not have you here with me, but I got the back of the universe assuring me that everything will definitely turn out fine.

Unsigned but signing off.

(Note: I wrote this and performed it in class. I want to thank my professor who gave me this challenge to write a "thank you" letter to a person who broke my heart. Went against what he expected since I decided to put some emotion. LOL!)