Note: In remembrance of October being Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm posting a series of entries here on my blog about the dark and private aspects of my personal mental struggles. Normally, I don't like openly discussing my own trials with depression or past abuses but I want to shed light so people can have the courage to speak up and triumph over them. Some of these posts were written ages ago but weren't posted immediately for fear of being seen a different way. Regardless of my experiences(Insecurities,bullying, and sexual harassment)and conditions(Manic Depression and Anxiety), I am strong and brave. I may be messed up and messed around but I will not give anyone--especially myself, my own worst enemy--the license to mess with my life now and in the future. 

Everyone knows that the Harvey Weinstein case is all over the news these days. The last time I have tallied on how much women come into public over a dirty man was when Tiger Woods had his many mistresses! But slight jest aside, the amount of articles I read about women being sexually harassed and abused since this incident have skyrocketed. Look into sites such as The Cut or New York Magazine and you see the prevalence of women's articles relating to sexual harassment and assault plus their own personal Harvey Weinstein's.

The one article that prompted me to make this post was one of The Cut's entitled "I'm a Coward." I read this on my birthday and seriously, I cried. Now, I won't get into details of past incidents of inappropriate behavior done on me because I had my reasons which I will explain later on why I kept it under wraps, some incidents with only myself and the perpetrators as the only people who knew about it. Even if the Weinstein news has been triggering me a lot, I was still adamant to bringing whatever happened to me to my death. Anyway, the author--Liz Meriwether--discusses how she kept silent and submissive to the disgusting treatment towards her. One quote of hers in the article resonated with me and had me breaking down:

" I had just never imagined myself as the kind of woman who stayed quiet in those situations. I thought I was like the characters I wrote about — I thought I was a plucky young girl who fought back against injustice. A rebel. A feminist. An avenger. It turned out that I was none of those things."

These words stung. Although I'm not a published writer and don't really write about strong female characters, I deemed myself as one in real life. I'm a feminist and am a woman for women. I speak out against the unfair social issues. I refused to be the stereotypical feminine prototype because when an old suitor told me once he wanted me to be the typical housewife who gives his briefcase before he leaves for work and shit, I fucking told him off that I'd be a better provider than him. Even with the way I look, I wear tight miniskirts, like weird colored lipstick and have eight piercings. When I'm either casually dating a guy or in a serious relationship, I am vocal when I feel uncomfortable and have a strong control against anything stupid that could happen between him and I. I've also successfully avoided many situations where I know deep inside would be dangerous for me because I knew the men were lewd and suspicious.

I am far from the very description of someone allowing herself to be a victim.

Turns out in reality, there is no definite "description" of what a victim should be. Men--or women--prey on whoever they believe they have power on. I may believe to be a defender of women's rights or a tough girl for potential suitors to win over--but in reality, I allowed myself to submit to these situations, more than once and in different ways. Even if there were times I was able to keep myself safe, I was not spared from unexpected events that terrified me.

I refused to be a victim even if in reality, what's done was already done. This was probably why with some of the men who sexually harassed me--from close friends to acquaintances--I still chose to be civil with them. To those I don't speak to at all--like the estranged friends and random strangers--I act like nothing happened nor did they existed. Though a part of me already had a sense of distrust towards them, I felt it was better than putting myself in a seemingly pitiful position which was making everyone know how affected I was or how I was easy for these men to victimize.

Worst I thought was what if I lose to these men even more if I did stand up for myself? Like Meriwether, I chose to keep silent and still be in the presence of them when called for. This was the most cowardice thing I did even if it is painted as faux bravery on my end.

Evan Rachel Wood spoke out not too long ago about her rapists and why it took her long to keep mum on it. She said it was emotionally taxing and also financially difficult. People are so easy to judge on women when they keep silent over something serious such as sexual harassment but when these women come forward, it becomes a risk for the latter. You are placed under scrutiny and people will question why you were in that place and time at all. You are constantly bullied for being a slut or liberal especially if prior to those incidents, you weren't Virgin Mary to begin with. It also becomes even more difficult because even if you choose to be a great example to women by getting justice for this, the emotional trauma will never leave. The feeling of being used and abused never really goes away.

Financially, it is traumatizing because it becomes a gamble more than an investment. You bring a case to court, allow jurors to decide, and if things don't go in your favor you are left even more devastated. It ends up as a waste of money and energy especially in these times where you see sexual harassment and rape cases on TV that are usually in favor for the men. Or let's say the victim wins the case; what I couldn't handle is that so much people will know. There will be so much attention on something I find really personal and painful.

Sometimes, the more you involve people in a matter that is of your own makes things more complicated. It can make things more difficult than you're already left with.

Personally, I never spoke out because I've been judged a lot on many of my choices. I remember one time while riding a jeep, the driver literally felt his hands in my legs. I never told him off because I got stone-cold and powerless in this situation. Once I got home, I told my family about it and the first thing I was told was why I even commute in a skirt. Imagine if you tell others about the more serious things? I'll be nagged on why I even go out at night or be alone with these men. Also, let's say that my family and friends side with me; they will be heartbroken and disappointed. They will also be angry and fuming. I wouldn't want to make them go out of their way and feel miserable for me.

People question why the female celebrity victims who came forward or the women spoken about by others as victims just allowed themselves to be treated this way. I knew in my heart why: They were afraid of a worse consequence than what was happening to them. Weinstein is powerful, figuratively and literally. The men who victimized me? They were powerful in their own way too like they were usually taller and stronger or had a reputation of being "the ultimate good boy" or had the connections I needed. On my end, the worse consequence was getting hurt. I'll usually read about murder cases of women who said no but got killed for not giving in or women whose faces was ruined because of acid thrown at them. I SERIOUSLY REALLY GET SUPER PARANOID OF MANY WAYS I COULD GET HURT. I was also worried about being emotionally threatened against the things I worked on. Like for example, I knew this one guy was powerful and he'll do what it takes to sabotage me. Lastly, I already felt like I will lose to these men. I had done stupid and wild things before I decided to be completely clean since seriously, even if I achieved well in school I didn't want to be seen another way. One of the men who harassed me is the most clean-cut person I know til he violated me a few times. Who are you most likely to believe in this situation: a girl who was shamelessly reckless before or a guy saint in making?

Of all those reasons, I want to further emphasize on the first one. It is what keeps me cold and immobile during these horrible past events. I'm only 5'2. The only muscle I have that is strong is my heart(lol). I'm typically underweight. I hate violence and don't get into physical fights too much(Usually, petty catfights I had in the past lol). I get bruised easily. I bleed AN AWFUL LOT when I get cut or wounded or have a pimple popped. I have had hurt my bones for uncool reasons like hitting myself in a wall or tripping on a rock. I have incorrectly used my pepper spray in situations I needed it the most(and it BURNED MY EEEEYYYYESSS). I may have the capability to think of ways to get out of a situation or run fast enough to tire people but someone else's greater physical might and power has proven before to have defeated me. In every circumstance for me, my mind is always in a blur and fear of my safety is the main cloud that causes it.

Since the Harvey Weinstein case first came out to public, I have always wondered if I should speak up about my own experiences. Honestly, I still really don't want to but what I can share is how I felt and learned. I was ready to bring this all to my grave but the day such as my birthday and reading the article sparked a little confidence in me. Even before sharing everything today, I have always been proud that many people around me see me as a strong woman. I have battled many fights before especially with my manic depression, constant bullying, toxic past lovers and tough upbringing.

After writing this, I pledge to be stronger. Recently, I have a friend come forward to me about her major depression and how her personal experiences of being objectified and harassed by men for many years has contributed to it. I feel a sense of responsibility because I'm being approached for support. I'm looked up by my friend who is younger than me as an example of how I prevailed my own depression and I know I cannot keep my sexual harassment secret forever. I knew exactly how it felt like to have that trauma haunt you and make you want to isolate from people. It made me the angriest person in the world. There were times that I was able to handle the demons in my mind but a few times the past few years, they mercilessly taunt me and make me think that even the men I truly trusted are also capable of hurting me the way my harassers did--maybe even worse. I have gotten so much nightmares about it, so much paranoia, so much heartache...

No victim deserves to blame themselves regardless of how they put themselves in that situation. We don't hang out with a certain person and expect to get harassed or raped, do we? If you have the strength in those situations to fight, damn fight that asshole and defend yourself. If you chose to not stand up in that situation, I completely understand. People will easily say that it can be easily avoided or stopped, but they don't know us. They don't know why we choose to go on with life despite knowing letting these incidents go feels wrong. People tend to say that the ones really to blame are those who still decide to go on with the act but in all honesty? I think the one who initiates the act is really to blame. They won't put their victims torn with a decision they are not supposed to make because they are not even supposed to be put in that situation at all.

No person wants to be violated, period. It wouldn't be a violation at all if they did and they would never feel the way I just shared if they really "wanted" and "expected" the harm that came their way.

To those who read this and have never experienced these at all, don't be too quick to judge. Recently, I opened up to someone about these dark secrets of mine and I was scrutinized as to why I still submitted in something wrong. Why wasn't I wiser in this situation? Why didn't I expect this to happen? Why did I still give in anyway? Simple: NO PERSON EVER EXPECTS NOR WANTS THIS TO HAPPEN AND IS AWARE SOMETHING WORSE COULD HAPPEN. I see that people can be understanding with me but at times they also can't help but point to me why I'm dumb enough to still allow it to happen. All I can say is when it happened to me, it removed all logic in my brain and replaced it with vacuum. Every cell in me was filled with fear: fear of getting physically beaten, fear of being taken away of privileges, fear of being outcasted even more. Especially since I had a history of being harassed in the past, it didn't make me braver. It made me become even more stone-cold scared whenever it happens. I  also was conscious of how my immediate circle will react to it; better I'm the only one experiencing the pain of knowing this than they feel it too.

To the girls and boys who have experienced personal violations before and are reading this now, you have the right to remain silent if you want to be silent. I knew how much silence has benefited me but do remember that with that comes with a lot of downsides. We are basically allowing these disgusting beings to get away with it. In all honesty, even if you stop one harasser or rapist, there are others more. Ideally, we want a world free from evil but even the world itself is evil. I believe in justice but I know it won't ever take away the feeling of dirtiness and disrespect. It won't break down the wall of fear and distrust for men I built. Justice won't help me give me peace. Justice won't give me the assurance I need from the people I love. Despite this, I will still live life the way I lived: striving hard for my goals and being surrounded by people who won't hurt me. I won't allow other men who will think of pursuing me to think I'm easy because I'm not.

To those who are still experiencing ongoing and continuous mistreatment from someone, I say speak up no matter what. Stop that cycle in your life of being someone's pleasure thing. You may justify why you experience what you experience, maybe even blame yourself for the whole thing. Just remember that it is never your fault. It will always be the fault of the dirty old men who take advantage.

For all the Weinsteins of the world, may you lose your hands that aggresively grope, castrate your balls that forcibly penetrate and finally rot in hell with the real demons.