A Gill and A Way

3/16/21

You told me once, I give you intimacy

What exactly is intimacy?

Maybe for you it means the comfortable silences

during night drives

and the laughs in between drinks

and alcohol-laced kisses 

or it could be the fogged-up windows

on nights we're skin to skin

But if you show no interest when I reveal 

rare admissions from the deepest of my soul

How I sometimes feel my world falling apart

and you are not someone I could turn to

How I wanted consolation and comfort

other than a person I feel passion with

causing my heart to feel so far away from you

even if you're here looking into my eyes

Then I was never intimate with you

nor will you ever be with me

Hey everyone!

Wow, my first post for this 2021! It has been a crazy two months on my end but I never forget to write a little on the side. 

This poem was actually the first one I wrote for the year last January. The title says it really; formerly liking a person who is fragile and hard to navigate. And, a little inspired by "China" by Furns which is one of my all time fave songs.

It took me a while to think about posting this here but well, it's all in the past now--as vases gather dust in maintaining pristine and untouchable. :) 

China by yours truly

 

Hey guys! Wow, it's been a month since I last wrote or posted something here. 

It may be ✨✨Virgo Szn ✨✨ but here is a poem of mine from what might be an amazing Leo season last month. Now, I can only look forward to whatever is in store whether stormy or sunny, uncertain or sure. Amid this pandemic, let's remember there's always a certain light that glows despite the world growing grim and dim. 

"To Light" by yours truly

Hello! Here's one of the poetry I've written during the quarantine, which to be honest I barely wrote any poetry during quarantine.  I definitely had to think hard for weeks before posting this one, because I felt I was doing well the past few months since I last went out with someone exclusively. Whatever happened in the past doesn't bother me. Don't think it should especially when it's done.

If I do come to a decision to post this, it's because of the poem alone. This is not a gateway for wanting reconnection nor is it my affirmation I never got over something. :)

I've always been stronger without a man.

My poem: House/Home by yours truly

All these thoughts buzzing through, telling me what or what not to do

I remember I wrote this poem earlier this year, during a seemingly rocky day. Horrid days weren't constant, but I did experience it a few times, a few more than the zero I expected. This was before the quarantine to contain the virus and I remember being much more afraid of losing whatever mattered to me then.

Apparently, here I am some months later. I learned that I needed to look at fear in the eye and accept that fear won't let me keep everything I once valued. I foresaw loss and nothing is worse than when fear overpowered me and whatever I feared came true.

Fear will rock me, shake me until I'm made stronger.

I did gain strength to take charge and walk away from everything I formerly was fearful to lose when I finally was strong enough to accept the pain from my past; snip the agony of the present; and forego the anxiety over the future. Of course, I had to let go of what I wanted to get rid of anyway, like the past pain and future anxiety, but I also had to lose also someone at the present (at least, at the time I wrote this poem) who I wanted to keep so much but I knew it's better to release.

Everything I experienced made way for better things to look forward to despite these trying times of the virus: a much more resilient mind; a new interest; and more time to work on even bigger goals. Who would have known fear would lead to good things?

(Also to my students who remember the figures of speech I taught to them, yes, Fear is used in a Personification way!)




About the QUARANTINE SERIES

These are a series of posts that discuss mental health, deep thoughts, and random experiences during my time in the quarantine. Details of my battles and my triumphs written like how I write it--with honesty and a little insight.

You, Woman

Remember you're a strong one. A powerhouse of wonder. That's who you are.

When there are those who doubted you, you continue to fight the negativity. Fail if you must and if it isn't avoided. But never forget that that isn't the only try you're going to have. Success is always there, waiting and it will be sweeter for you.

When gender and sex is used as barrier to keep you from reaching your best, show that a woman isn't meant to stay only in the background or on the ground. A woman strives in this man-made world to make herself complete, not to compete.

When there are expectations for you to stay at home or be the doting wife, don't dismiss that thought for other women aspire that. Just simply show the world there's another option to life which is to make your own mark in this world. Or aspire to be both if you want.

When the road gets tougher despite pushing yourself harder, know when to take a moment then continue giving all your might. More than might, do it with all your heart. You will watch yourself survive through thunderous storms.

When you see your fellow women take a hit in their lives the same way you have experienced, always do what you can to help. We will only be the ones to understand our struggles. We will need to support each other if we want to make an improvement for every woman.

When a man cannot accept the love you give, give the love you have to the whole universe that reveres you. You are a phenomenal deity worthy of adoration. More than giving love, learn to save the biggest chunk for yourself.

When you're given the option to settle for less, look away. If you have gotten far in many aspects through your efforts, don't think that some are exempted by lowering your standards. You're the queen and fair ruler, not someone who can be pushed to what she doesn't deserve.

Remember you're the moon and stars across the skies. You should be looked up and admired, not allowing yourself to be lower than you should be.

You, Woman, are a woman. That's who you are. Never forget that

(5/25/19)

It was never a skin to skin communication.

It wasn't initially powered by lust (as most forbidden romances should be)

But it nearly got there, and we both knew well and turned back.

I hear our hearts beat fast, our energies in hesitance

I sit beside you, a shirt fiber away, too afraid that any closer

will lead me to never letting you go

You sit beside me, and look at my hand that you long to grab

with my fingers locked to yours

We watch people around us, see cars pass by

but would then look into each others' eyes

What's in those eyes, what's in your mind?

I look farther into a corner, knowing this is as far as we will go

before others find out what they shouldn't know

Note: I've had these words for almost two months now and I figured I just had the strength to finally be open about it. So to you who definitely knows it's him I'm writing about, I hope you have a good life before we both really close this chapter. For good.

I prayed for you.

I prayed for you when I was a young teen, thinking I was too good for boys my age who have yet to reach puberty. I prayed for you when I was in highschool, huffing at those potential suitors I deemed unworthy (lol). I prayed for you when I got into college even when I stopped believing whom I'm supposed to ask these prayers to.

Then you came, and then you went. We both went separate ways.

Yet, I still prayed for you. I prayed for you to be happy even if it will be in the arms of someone else. I prayed for you on your birthdays because those were the only times I remembered you. I prayed for you even if I was mad, disappointed, shattered, indifferent.

But you came again. Just when I stopped the prayers.

I will not lie that someone I considered an answered prayer in the form of a handsome sinner will always have a place in my heart, even if he didn't deserve any presence in my life. That you got me the moment you said you will make it up to me. I think of what could have been had we not parted or maybe if I prayed harder enough. Yet you came back when I never even thought of you as a regular person to pray for, except when occasional nostalgia kicks in.

Yet no amount of prayer, time, effort,words could ever keep you around this time. No amount of begging to heavens will make you see how much I loved you. That I wanted so bad to be the person you didn't have to pray for to stay because I was already here for you to only try to keep. That angels have warned me about you in both times you entered my life, cautioning that you weren't exactly the plan the divine had for me.

Then you left again.

In my mind I would've held your hands tighter enough for you to stay. That maybe I shouldn't have said those words that scared you away. But I didn't and I did. And I saw what little answers to my lifelong prayers for someone like you were actually the big sign that tell me you weren't meant to be mine.

I stopped praying altogether. Yet somehow, I received a blessing I consider worthy of the spot in my life you failed to occupy. I received the answer I never expected because when I thought every shot in making things work with you are nothing to someone who was already right for me from the start. When the time comes you will be sailing back into my life, you'll find me in the arms of someone who isn't you and will never be.