A Gill and A Way

I've been writing year-end posts in my blog since 2017. I've always discussed about lessons I learned and accomplishments I achieved. For this 2020 though, I want to tackle on exploring my purpose amid the pandemic since 2020 has been a difficult year for everyone.

I started this 2020 with so much hope and aspirations more than I had the years before. I told myself, this will be the year I will finally study. This will be the year I will move on professionally. This will be the year I will do big milestones like travelling alone or moving out of my house. 

The thing with this virus, it became this microscopic push behind evaluating the gargantuan goals I set myself. I will say that the quarantine ruined everything--or I can look at it as the virus delayed plans so I can assess myself before pushing through with them.

One of the biggest issues for me is my role as a journalist during the quarantine. Some people I know are like, "Oh, she's a journalist! Frontliner!" and then others are like "She doesn't do much! Never even left the house!"

I guess it hurt to hear comments that I may be like this but don't do the extra mile like my colleagues do. Or to get belittled because writing news from virtual briefings is "easy" because it's just there already to view from the comforts of home.

The doubts on the relevance of what I do emphasized more when I felt helpless watching every struggle others were experiencing on the screen instead of being actually there to help. But if I were physically present, would I have done something to help?

Another question I asked myself is if journalism was for me. It was not a question I ever asked because I know this is what I want to do but when a superior once told me that I was not meant to be one--that I was the worst writer he knew--and that I should consider resigning, of course it made me think.

There were many times my own morals and beliefs were tested and sticking to them was always the best decision for me and even the job I have. However, I sometimes felt punished for it, for proving others wrong and for making others look bad, when my only sole purpose is everything I write out there is factual and with integrity.

Mistakes I made became magnified this year. Because there's this thought, you're at home and everything is just there for you to watch so how can you fuck up? I will do my job consistently well but the few times I slipped over things I cannot even control, I felt like the worst failure and that I was unworthy of being a journalist.

I recently accepted my second journ award but also within that week I did, I received a scolding that I was the most disappointing writer out there. My mind gravitates to the side where I believe I'm great but then it also lures into the depressing end of knowing I suck.

I always remind myself that being a reporter now is more than just writing a briefing that was live online or in Zoom. I wait hours on end for speeches and meetings, even on my off-days, out of obligation and the art of my work. My mind gets overwhelmed by different consecutive briefings daily and it's harder to write on them considering the time constraint of a newspaper press. One also needs to think fast when the news changes drastically one minute to next because the government obviously does not cooperate well together.

I want to finish writing this with a resolution that's happy and motivating after the tumultuous existential crisis as a writer I faced this year but I think that's impossible and I won't force myself to close this post with something inauthentic. I won't lie that there were those rare moments I did fall out of love with what I do yet here I am still fighting.

Love is a choice. I chose to love the country and serve it by loving my purpose as a writer. There were times that my heart beating fast was due to anxiety more than excitement but in the end, I want to do this. My heart has always been in this. Almost three years a journalist and surviving this year, there's so much more to navigate so why do I have to stop now?

Time to close the door of this decade and open the one leading to a new one

I cant believe 2019 is about to end! This whole decade, actually! It all went by in a blink; entered this decade an emo girl who loves black and band shirts and am exiting it in dresses and heels.

Anyways, I just want to share that 2019 was such a great year! It brought me more grit and strength but oddly enough, it also witnessed a much more softer, vulnerable side of me. Here's to my annual year end post dedicated to the biggest lessons I gained this year and just like the title, will gear towards being fearless and forgiving!



To err is human, to forgive is divine...sorta

Made peace with some people....and made peace signs at random times lol

One of the things I mentioned before in my blog is that I wished to be much more forgiving this 2019. While I believe it's not 100% a success judging by old personalities long gone from my life suddenly appearing and trying to get in touch yet I dodge them off like their parasites (Another thing I learned: I can't force myself to open up and forgive if what they do is really not worth any reconciliation), I did remain civil with people I never imagined to get in touch with again.

One such example was forgiving my first love. The heartbreak he gave me was the most exquisite pain that took quite a while to forget, though not as long as how long I've been praying for a person like him to come to my life before he came. It took three years of realizing the future I want will definitely not be including him. I never thought I'd be speaking to him again but I'm quite glad we're both far from how immature and selfish we once were and are now adults who just laugh off some of our past mistakes and still retain the mutual respect we have for each other.

There are other ways of forgiveness I had to exhibit this year which for me, is a strong feat considering I keep my ire for people for so long.

But of course, I tell myself if the gravity of the sin is much too deep, from spreading fake information to the public (or at least to many schoolmates) to sexual harassment bordering on rape (nope not ever) to theft (I know who stole my wallet I lost earlier this year and you bet I'm this short from suing), nope, man don't think it will earn forgiveness from me. Rot in hell, I suppose



To all the boys I've loved...err...liked

The cup holder is basically me the past few years

What year won't be complete with the rare few who made me feel something lovely and wonderful? I've been single for nearly three years and the dating part is not as steady unless I do date someone exclusively. But to these few guys who happened to catch my heart at different periods of this year, they all served a special reminder to me not to settle just because I remained unattached for a while.

A guy I went out with earlier this year reminded me that no matter how much he could provide materially, if he doesn't get your principles and beliefs, won't ever be the right person for you. I found myself being spoken down in a matter that was sexist which triggered my feminist self. I was told during the breakup my job as a journalist doesn't contribute much to society because I don't pay high taxes like him. To be honest, I knew at first it was not going to last but boy, is going out with this guy a staunch reminder why I don't want to have a boyfriend in the first place.

The second person I met this year was a person I was sure I will end up with but no matter how sure I was with him, if things aren't meant to be they just won't be. I was confident with myself as a person but I ended up asking myself what was wrong with me for never being chosen in the end. I'm always in this situation where I'm either too much for a guy or not enough. I believe the biggest lesson in love I learned is to the right person, I'll be enough. Just like how I saw through this person's shortcomings, he was still enough for me to choose him at that moment and someday someone will feel the same way with me.

But what makes 2019 memorable in terms of feelings is that I realized I am capable of feeling like I can settle down because this one guy (hulaan niyo sino sila)already made me believe I don't need to look elsewhere or expect much more. Of course it didn't work out but at least it's a confirmation to myself that, after almost two years of wondering if I'll ever be in love again because of how terrible things ended in my last relationship, 2019 saw me a much softer person in love but a stronger woman to attain. Will I feel it again? No doubt but with the right person. At least conviction that I'm not a heartless cat lady who barks away potential suitors (true story in 2017).



To be not to be...yet not quite

Hard work gets recognized, eventually

2019 is the year of PAKAPALAN NG MUKHA. I found myself being much more confident in submitting stories to journalism awards although I was realistic enough to know that I need to improve more in my craft and produce better stories so I can increase my chances of recognition. But, it never hurts to try submitting whatever, right? Also, I dedicated it going to lectures that I feel will improve me as a journalist.

This year also challenged me as a writer. Last year, I tried to cope with the difficulties of being in a beat that isn't the easiest but this year, I find myself trying to master a new card game that is on a sector I seem to have lots of opinions on. It is quite an adjustment that I still am trying to fit myself in to this day and comes with trials much more than trying to drill whatever source you have for news and exclusives A new beat comes with different demands; various personalities to deal with; and lastly, a reading audience I never thought I'll be put up with.

I experienced a ton of highs and lows in my job, emphasis on the lows because it did make me want to quit and be in a job where I'm living privately without people I never met accusing me I'm this and that for news I report or simply because how they perceive me as a person. It's kinda overwhelming for a person my age and experience but I look at everything given to me these days as a privilege that I need to prove myself worthy of for it to remain or prosper. I still have a long way to go.



To infinity and beyond...or at least, in the near future

The shirt says it all

Last but not the least, this year has made me evaluate the future I set for myself as a fresh grad armed with an English degree and the determination to pursue higher education and teach young minds. Taking the writing route made me realize that as much as I love teaching, it isn't for me just yet. I need to find myself--cliche, but true--in order to share wisdom to the kiddos. I still feel like a restless sponge who is in need of new knowledge and skills to face this world, just like the students I'm supposed to teach.

Painful as it was to admit to myself, but I had to bid goodbye to the dream of being a Linguistics or Literature professor who will publish lots of journals related to my field. I already collected pieces of stories I will teach in my future class and have photocopied them from the library for that purpose. It was a bittersweet realization that the field of English, which I set my heart on for four years of my college life, won't be the "purpose" of my life anymore after spending over a year in Journalism.

Higher education is still in the books for me yet the conviction I once had to reach until my doctorate has weakened somehow, not because I cannot take it anymore but more of how I want to pace my life to the newer goals and passion I set for myself. Wait, I don't think "new" is the right term but more of, "tweaked" because the purpose of why I want to teach is to serve PARA SA BAYAN, always. Except now, I'll be doing it in a different and much more personal way that I believe will be more feasible to the skill and knowledge I currently have from nearly two years since I graduated.

Of course, I still dream now and then of wearing my doctorate cap and toga but I found that it isn't the only thing fueling my purpose on why I work and exist, since that was the end goal for me when i was still studying in college. A part of me still longs to add another title after the LPT that comes next to my last name and for now, I'll be content with an MA. What Masterals will I take now that Dr. Gillian Cortez, LPT, M.Ed., PhD is a 4 year old dream I don't want so much anymore?  Teaching will definitely be there for me down the line and Teacher Gill is still a huge possibility but what field? We'll find out very soon, both you dear reader and a very confused yet somehow assured me.


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2019 doesn't deserve congratulatory letters but rather, deserves a notice saying "Work in Progress" because I won't define my 2019 self for the many unfinished business I had. I believe a new year, a new decade will be a nice transition from where I left off in 2019 while it will open a brand new world of experiences and possibilities . Dare I say, I'll be better this time.

Ticking off 2018. 2019, it's good to see you.

2017, for me, was the worst year. I may have downplayed it in my last year-end post but I've been quite vocal to those dear with me on how 2017 was unkind and torturous.

I did however, use all my struggles as a way to condition myself for my new life in 2018. Fast forward 2018, I told myself that with a new year and new life, I will make sure I live it the fullest. After what seemed like forever of spiraling down, I became determined to make 2018 the year I rise up.

Making huge risks

I knew this the moment I told myself I will not teach for the meantime and instead immerse myself in fields that will enrich my other skill, which is writing. It was a risk for me, especially when I've already had my post-graduation plan in my head that consisted of teaching English and pursuing grad school. I don't regret my decisions though but very soon, I know I'll settle down to teach.

It was also a huge risk for me to apply for the board exams for teachers since I only applied during the last day of applications and had less than 2 months to self-review (compared to lots of my friends who went to review centers for half a year, it made me quite scared tbh). But risking this much means I need to prepare for it as much as possible, which means sleepless nights after work just to study and even asking others for available review resources.

2018 was a year of release for me. Sadly, I learned to let go of friendships and maybe potential loves knowing that they might hinder my growth. I let go of friends who were selfish and seemed to not bother with my life during those times I did suffer this year because all they cared about were drugs and girls (Oops. Name drop na ba?). I let go of friends I felt were only there when I felt a little success in my life but were absent last year when I needed their support. Most importantly, I let go of the one guy I thought I deserved but realized months of pursuing is nothing if you don't want to stay.

Holding up my first article for the newspaper last April!

Learning to look forward

This was my mindset the moment I stepped into 2018. I will never revise the horrible history in 2017. While some moments in 2018 caught me crying remembering the past, I learned to pick myself up because it's all behind me now. Who knew that the girl who thought won't live beyond half of 2017 is now enjoying a new stage in her life in 2018?

I felt like I was starting from scratch the moment I started working. I still find myself trying to impress my bosses, who may be as strict as my professors in college but call for a much different demand. I realized that just because I've succeeded in school doesn't mean I can have it easy in the real world. What I did love about it is that I learn something new and I learn to adapt to different situations.

Speaking of adapting, I learned to find ways--and there's always a way!There were so many situations that made me believe and swear a miracle happened especially in my line of work but I realize it's really just me expanding my options in seemingly hopeless situations.

In the end, it's only me

2017, I pushed away a lot of people out of fear. 2018 was the year I discovered new relationships and reignited friendships yet still thought twice with the people around me. In the end of it all, I still realized that the most important person to have a great relationship with was myself.

2017 saw a lot of self-loathing and self-blaming. 2018 was the year I forgave myself. 2018 was also the year I unexpectedly started dating again but looking back, I feel that no guy will handle me. Maybe my goals were too big. Maybe I wasn't glamorous or pretty enough. Maybe I spoke my mind too much. I didn't need to dumb myself down or change just because I liked someone. I like "Me" the best and I know I won't dull my personality for anyone.

I improved the way I looked at myself. I still see the need to improve but oh my gosh, how far have I gone from trying to kill myself to making an effort to LIVE LIFE.

I never settled for anyone in 2018 so why should I allow myself to slow myself down? I'm only getting started!

Single and more-interested-in-showing-off--my-malunggay-than-forcing-myself-to-mingle

Before I finish this post, I just want to share these lil comics by Sarahsscribbles. The first one was something I shared on Facebook during the final days of 2017 while the second one was shared only recently. Absolutely adore how they depict this 2018 perfectly: I was battered and bruised facing 2018 and chose to take things step by step. Accurate!

Final things to say to 2018: You have been the longest yet fastest year where I experienced trials like no other but allowed me to gain the best experiences ever. You have been the best year so far for me.

2019, I'm going to conquer you!

Note: This was a letter I wrote to myself from words that I used to cheer myself up. 2017 has been my most difficult year and at a point, I thought was going to be my last. I survived whatever enemy of a person and event that came and embraced them as if they were an integral part of my growth. I decided to dedicate this letter to you, my dear reader; a survivor of 2017. Happy New Year and new life. 💛

Here's to you, brave warrior. Treat yourself to your favorite coffee(or milktea as shown), lounge back and pat yourself in the back for conquering 2017. (Also, not wear a skirt as short as above lol)

Another Note: There is a story as to why I am using these images for this post. They were taken months ago after I experienced success in one of the toughest challenges of 2017. I look weary but I am happy. I know I have accomplished even more after this and will accomplish more this 2018.