Time to close the door of this decade and open the one leading to a new one

I cant believe 2019 is about to end! This whole decade, actually! It all went by in a blink; entered this decade an emo girl who loves black and band shirts and am exiting it in dresses and heels.

Anyways, I just want to share that 2019 was such a great year! It brought me more grit and strength but oddly enough, it also witnessed a much more softer, vulnerable side of me. Here's to my annual year end post dedicated to the biggest lessons I gained this year and just like the title, will gear towards being fearless and forgiving!



To err is human, to forgive is divine...sorta

Made peace with some people....and made peace signs at random times lol

One of the things I mentioned before in my blog is that I wished to be much more forgiving this 2019. While I believe it's not 100% a success judging by old personalities long gone from my life suddenly appearing and trying to get in touch yet I dodge them off like their parasites (Another thing I learned: I can't force myself to open up and forgive if what they do is really not worth any reconciliation), I did remain civil with people I never imagined to get in touch with again.

One such example was forgiving my first love. The heartbreak he gave me was the most exquisite pain that took quite a while to forget, though not as long as how long I've been praying for a person like him to come to my life before he came. It took three years of realizing the future I want will definitely not be including him. I never thought I'd be speaking to him again but I'm quite glad we're both far from how immature and selfish we once were and are now adults who just laugh off some of our past mistakes and still retain the mutual respect we have for each other.

There are other ways of forgiveness I had to exhibit this year which for me, is a strong feat considering I keep my ire for people for so long.

But of course, I tell myself if the gravity of the sin is much too deep, from spreading fake information to the public (or at least to many schoolmates) to sexual harassment bordering on rape (nope not ever) to theft (I know who stole my wallet I lost earlier this year and you bet I'm this short from suing), nope, man don't think it will earn forgiveness from me. Rot in hell, I suppose



To all the boys I've loved...err...liked

The cup holder is basically me the past few years

What year won't be complete with the rare few who made me feel something lovely and wonderful? I've been single for nearly three years and the dating part is not as steady unless I do date someone exclusively. But to these few guys who happened to catch my heart at different periods of this year, they all served a special reminder to me not to settle just because I remained unattached for a while.

A guy I went out with earlier this year reminded me that no matter how much he could provide materially, if he doesn't get your principles and beliefs, won't ever be the right person for you. I found myself being spoken down in a matter that was sexist which triggered my feminist self. I was told during the breakup my job as a journalist doesn't contribute much to society because I don't pay high taxes like him. To be honest, I knew at first it was not going to last but boy, is going out with this guy a staunch reminder why I don't want to have a boyfriend in the first place.

The second person I met this year was a person I was sure I will end up with but no matter how sure I was with him, if things aren't meant to be they just won't be. I was confident with myself as a person but I ended up asking myself what was wrong with me for never being chosen in the end. I'm always in this situation where I'm either too much for a guy or not enough. I believe the biggest lesson in love I learned is to the right person, I'll be enough. Just like how I saw through this person's shortcomings, he was still enough for me to choose him at that moment and someday someone will feel the same way with me.

But what makes 2019 memorable in terms of feelings is that I realized I am capable of feeling like I can settle down because this one guy (hulaan niyo sino sila)already made me believe I don't need to look elsewhere or expect much more. Of course it didn't work out but at least it's a confirmation to myself that, after almost two years of wondering if I'll ever be in love again because of how terrible things ended in my last relationship, 2019 saw me a much softer person in love but a stronger woman to attain. Will I feel it again? No doubt but with the right person. At least conviction that I'm not a heartless cat lady who barks away potential suitors (true story in 2017).



To be not to be...yet not quite

Hard work gets recognized, eventually

2019 is the year of PAKAPALAN NG MUKHA. I found myself being much more confident in submitting stories to journalism awards although I was realistic enough to know that I need to improve more in my craft and produce better stories so I can increase my chances of recognition. But, it never hurts to try submitting whatever, right? Also, I dedicated it going to lectures that I feel will improve me as a journalist.

This year also challenged me as a writer. Last year, I tried to cope with the difficulties of being in a beat that isn't the easiest but this year, I find myself trying to master a new card game that is on a sector I seem to have lots of opinions on. It is quite an adjustment that I still am trying to fit myself in to this day and comes with trials much more than trying to drill whatever source you have for news and exclusives A new beat comes with different demands; various personalities to deal with; and lastly, a reading audience I never thought I'll be put up with.

I experienced a ton of highs and lows in my job, emphasis on the lows because it did make me want to quit and be in a job where I'm living privately without people I never met accusing me I'm this and that for news I report or simply because how they perceive me as a person. It's kinda overwhelming for a person my age and experience but I look at everything given to me these days as a privilege that I need to prove myself worthy of for it to remain or prosper. I still have a long way to go.



To infinity and beyond...or at least, in the near future

The shirt says it all

Last but not the least, this year has made me evaluate the future I set for myself as a fresh grad armed with an English degree and the determination to pursue higher education and teach young minds. Taking the writing route made me realize that as much as I love teaching, it isn't for me just yet. I need to find myself--cliche, but true--in order to share wisdom to the kiddos. I still feel like a restless sponge who is in need of new knowledge and skills to face this world, just like the students I'm supposed to teach.

Painful as it was to admit to myself, but I had to bid goodbye to the dream of being a Linguistics or Literature professor who will publish lots of journals related to my field. I already collected pieces of stories I will teach in my future class and have photocopied them from the library for that purpose. It was a bittersweet realization that the field of English, which I set my heart on for four years of my college life, won't be the "purpose" of my life anymore after spending over a year in Journalism.

Higher education is still in the books for me yet the conviction I once had to reach until my doctorate has weakened somehow, not because I cannot take it anymore but more of how I want to pace my life to the newer goals and passion I set for myself. Wait, I don't think "new" is the right term but more of, "tweaked" because the purpose of why I want to teach is to serve PARA SA BAYAN, always. Except now, I'll be doing it in a different and much more personal way that I believe will be more feasible to the skill and knowledge I currently have from nearly two years since I graduated.

Of course, I still dream now and then of wearing my doctorate cap and toga but I found that it isn't the only thing fueling my purpose on why I work and exist, since that was the end goal for me when i was still studying in college. A part of me still longs to add another title after the LPT that comes next to my last name and for now, I'll be content with an MA. What Masterals will I take now that Dr. Gillian Cortez, LPT, M.Ed., PhD is a 4 year old dream I don't want so much anymore?  Teaching will definitely be there for me down the line and Teacher Gill is still a huge possibility but what field? We'll find out very soon, both you dear reader and a very confused yet somehow assured me.


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2019 doesn't deserve congratulatory letters but rather, deserves a notice saying "Work in Progress" because I won't define my 2019 self for the many unfinished business I had. I believe a new year, a new decade will be a nice transition from where I left off in 2019 while it will open a brand new world of experiences and possibilities . Dare I say, I'll be better this time.