A Gill and A Way

And how the quarantine saved my skincare (lol)

I noticed with better skin, with or without makeup, there's a certain glow that shows not even good makeup can give. Only wore a bit of powder for base here and concealer on some acne scars.

In highschool, my favorite thing to do after class besides going home is to go to the nearby Mercury Drug to replenish my beauty soaps that did nothing to my skin, whitening lotions that only gave me a white film, and Myra-E moisturizer sachets (the only moisturizer I can afford then even if it gave me awful butlig) when they run out for me. My most expensive skin item was a tub of bentonite clay from Healthy Options, which helped me with my occasional zits back then.

In college, it would still pretty much be the same however I usually had no regular routine since I was too tired to do so every night and I knew I had good skin genes to back me up. I loved sheet masks and tried them like how I'm eager seeing different flavored candies in the store. However, it made me breakout too because too much moisture for my oily skin? Should have known better!

Fast forward now in my mid 20s, with me hopping from one routine to the next to simply none at all which has become a vicious skin cycle, I still see skincare as something important but after buying a P1,000 Pixi Toner that did nothing to my face after enjoying the first few weeks of glowing skin, I told myself skincare is not an investment beyond Watsons pricing--unless someone gifts me a jar of La Mer (Not in this economy).

However, with the quarantine, I felt emotionally unwell. Countless talks with counselors through the phone all seemed to give me the same kind of advice, which is to lose focus on things I cannot control. I've been weighed heavily on these types of thoughts especially during the first month of quarantine and boy, was it HEA-VY. They were all big problems for me but also, they were all inevitable anyway so no use in wishing it happened otherwise.

I learned slowly about self-care in little ways, be it a few of minutes of reading or hours of writing. I learned how a self-care ritual of any purpose served me the needed push and motivation, especially in those moments I kept beating myself down. But the most significant for me was discovering how skincare, a seemingly indulgent thing for me, is a ritual that calmed me down and made me feel a bit more confident with my own skin.

As small as it sounds, but I discovered how magical it is using scented body wash when I shower and slathering a similarly scented lotion with it. It's funny because on usual days, I just use whatever soap is there and save lotion when I felt scaly. Yet, it still needed more pushing to incorporate skincare as a mental health reliever for me the way shopping, eating out, hanging with friends, and doing my makeup does.

But I can't do those things anymore. It can be a little frivolous to shop online at a pandemic like this for clothes I'm not even sure I'll get to wear soon enough as I still have a backlog of new clothes in the house. Eating out when I can has suddenly turned into me eating whatever is in the house but at least being thankful there's something to eat even if it's not the indulgent dishes I once spent on. And hanging out with friends during a pandemic can be done online sure, but I also need to give space especially when this is affecting everyone seriously.

So, there came that random curiosity towards skincare and how there's a world beyond Watsons and Mercury Drug offerings. I would watch videos on skincare or read on ingredients, and then write down product recommendations I'm interested to try. Then, add to cart and wait for what I didn't know was something that gave me much more than better skin.

Just some(Yes, some)  of the skincare purchases I made this quarantine.

From relying on 4 products consisting of face wash, face oil, face mist, and the occasional masking, I suddenly saw a mini apothecary of sorts in my vanity, expanded with moisturizing creams in jars; potent serums in droppers; and exfoliating acids in bottles. Of course, they aren't just simply standing there but I learned to also put them on.

I used to really not care about putting skincare religiously but now, I have an actual regimen since I can't make excuses. I used to think it was so militant to be religious but I found it's relaxing and something I--gasp--look forward to! Smearing creams, adding serums, and massaging them in my skin also allowed me to sink in the thought that I deserve to be taken care off in this way.

That when my mind will not always think I'm at my most beautiful, I still deserved to look my best. That I deserve to consume something that was well-thought of and researched and not because it only fulfilled a certain purpose. Skincare was something I overlooked for years.

After I looked up online, I thought quarantine was the best period of incorporating exfoliating acids in my regimen, which is known to have a purging effect. Not looking back to life without retinol now lol

Also, there is this sensorial experience of applying something in my skin that I know has had more research done and included ingredients that will improve my skin. It's like I'm giving value to it the way I'd invest in nicer clothes and shoes or in more authentic food and cuisine. I'd normally feel my skin can do away with all the fancy rituals and additional fancy products as someone who just kept it simple for years but if my skin did, it won't look at its best--and I won't feel my best too.

Doing these small, somewhat spoiled rituals I do for my skin--the largest organ--created a sense of comfort and care. Caring for myself was something I initially did not feel during the quarantine--nor was it prioritized prior to the quarantine when all I did was think of other people and things before myself.

And it showed physically. Friends whom I video chat often notice I was much more glowing. People in the house commented that there was something different. I would reason always it's the skincare but I know it's really the change of mindset during this quarantine that I needed a little more TLC whether it's in this small form such as skincare or a large one such as finally warranting myself to this kind of indulgence.

Honestly, I get a little anxious thinking about how much I've spent on skincare recently during the quarantine and I know I spent more than I ever did in my entire life relying on absolutely cheap things that did nothing but be abrasive on or dehydrate my skin. But let's just say it's a guilty pleasure now that is actually an investment in the long term--especially when I'll have more glowy skin and even more confidence in the way I look as I get older.

For me, skincare--or rather, learning to look forward in following one in the day and night--reminded me of a normal routine I'd follow prior to quarantine. There is that elaborate commute I take before going to work. There is that process of studying news and writing notes when covering actual daily coverages. I longed for a routine that gave me fulfillment somehow like these daily challenges that I can't experience when I'm locked in the house. But I have this skincare routine, as trivial and ridiculous as it is in comparison, that gives a me something to wait through with patience knowing it will be worth it in the long run.




About the QUARANTINE SERIES

These are a series of posts that discuss mental health, deep thoughts, and random experiences during my time in the quarantine. Details of my battles and my triumphs written like how I write it--with honesty and a little insight.

I remember I wrote this poem earlier this year, during a seemingly rocky day. Horrid days weren't constant, but I did experience it a few times, a few more than the zero I expected. This was before the quarantine to contain the virus and I remember being much more afraid of losing whatever mattered to me then.

Apparently, here I am some months later. I learned that I needed to look at fear in the eye and accept that fear won't let me keep everything I once valued. I foresaw loss and nothing is worse than when fear overpowered me and whatever I feared came true.

Fear will rock me, shake me until I'm made stronger.

I did gain strength to take charge and walk away from everything I formerly was fearful to lose when I finally was strong enough to accept the pain from my past; snip the agony of the present; and forego the anxiety over the future. Of course, I had to let go of what I wanted to get rid of anyway, like the past pain and future anxiety, but I also had to lose also someone at the present (at least, at the time I wrote this poem) who I wanted to keep so much but I knew it's better to release.

Everything I experienced made way for better things to look forward to despite these trying times of the virus: a much more resilient mind; a new interest; and more time to work on even bigger goals. Who would have known fear would lead to good things?

(Also to my students who remember the figures of speech I taught to them, yes, Fear is used in a Personification way!)




About the QUARANTINE SERIES

These are a series of posts that discuss mental health, deep thoughts, and random experiences during my time in the quarantine. Details of my battles and my triumphs written like how I write it--with honesty and a little insight.

A photo from 2017. Wish I can tell her, it's not your fault and you're stronger than you think you are

It's time to forgive yourself, I told myself during quarantine.

Basically, I've been telling myself this for years but I stored that urge of needing to get in terms of what I experienced because that process involved something I had to relive consciously, which was still a painful thing to even bring up.

But when an unexpected emotional relapse happened earlier this year because of being reminded of a past, with bouts of breakdowns at night and watching the person I first dated seriously in years walk away a few months back because he couldn't quite handle some of my breakdowns I never quite explained, I felt devastated.

I haven't spoken to a counselor since I was a fresh grad, because prior to me starting to work I was consistent with my therapy and my medication I was on then. I made sure I faced the real world knowing I did treatment well. I had improvements until I was told that I was well enough to not rely on my medicine anymore. I learned along the way healthy ways of coping my emotions.

Speaking to the counselor on the phone nearly two months ago, a start of many nights of puzzling what I should have long fixed, I knew I wasn't as helpless as I was a few years ago. It's not like I tried taking my own life nor I'm deliberately ruining it. However, I already felt something was wrong, unsettled.

So what about the past made me so afraid to accept it and fear for the future ?

I hated my mind because there were some few times it would just punish me with all the past trauma. I've seen so much improvement the past three years and not even myself expected that I'll be back to this original square of how I feel guilty over so many things.

I coped with pushing myself to do things. I got involved with getting active and watching lots of gigs in order to lift my spirits. When I graduated, I immersed myself in my work. Since I also earned money, it's easy for me to treat myself somewhere nice or leave the house when I wanted to.

Some moments I was stuck immobile in the house, I even had something to do such as writing literature, reading books, watching shows.

Yet there were moments within those three years, an extreme rarity, where I was stuck with my mind and I remember everything and just cry all over again.

And funny how this quarantine made those thoughts, thoughts of never forgiving myself and having that guilt with whatever bad thing is happening around me, much more magnified.

I wondered, why was it much more magnified this year? After a year of treatment and then another two years of functioning well, of normal interactions, of not even lashing out at people. Why did this relapse happen when I least expected it? After 3 years? Just when I'm ready to settle with someone?

Funny how I forgave people last year I never thought I'd forgive ever yet here I am, still not able to forgive myself. There is always that feeling of me having the fault in whatever I experienced, whatever I put people around me through. That there were moments in life I wished I deleted or erased so I'd feel like I had no baggage.

 I hated that word: baggage. It's negative, and the actual baggage a person carries is often ridiculed and emphasized even if the person 99% of the time functions normally, yet they're defined by society by their baggage carried. There's a stigma to people like that, that they're toxic. I hated it because I had my own burden of thoughts brought by wicked experiences, does that make me a "toxic" person?

The counselor assured me I'm not. The people around me assured me I'm not. Just because a relapse happened, the improvement was not valid. And just because I was able to get stronger from a past experience doesn't mean it won't make me cry sometimes.

I'm doing great, they say. I'm doing amazing.

But yet, the guilt. Why was it still there? I tearfully asked. Why was I still mad at myself for everything?

"Why didn't you share it sooner?" The calm-sounding lady asked me.

"I didn't want to worry people around me. I didn't want to seem like it still holds heavily on me after so long." It really wasn't my thing to share my emotions. I knew it's my business to deal and I've always known how to handle it anyway so I just kept it in.

"You know, that's not toxic. At all."

But the more things get kept in, it will pile....and pile....and then burst. Boy, did I learn that the hard way. Yet still, not diabolical. It's just some people need a little assistance on how to deal especially when they don't intend to hurt or worry with something as complex as the past.

Sharing is never easy. Coming to terms, recognizing the actual emotions....

Countless of times, I say sorry. I always think small things are my responsibility, because other serious matters always seem to be mine too.

"Did you do those things?"

"No but--"

"Why are you sorry for things you didn't even do? Why are you guilty for things others did?"

I've been hearing this also from even the people dearest to me. You did nothing wrong. No one wanted that to happen. And I can't blame myself for what I won't even wish on my own enemies. It's no use to also transfer all that energy I felt to those cruel people who actually did those actions.

I was told guilt is the worst emotion. It's worse than anger, sadness, everything because it's a manifestation of all those plus you cancelling yourself out. The only thing worse than feeling a negative emotion is if you're blaming yourself for it.

Close friends and the counselor all told me this note: I'm doing well, I'm doing great because I did stand up and improved myself all this years. I came forward and reached out for help this time when I  felt I needed it. There's nothing wrong with me.

It's not my fault whatever happened, happened.

I had no reason to tear myself apart in my head when all these years, I just continued being the best I can be when I could have chosen to spiral even downwards. That even if this year saw my emotional relapse, I was never a quitter. I never wilted. I cried, but I still fought hard to make sure I never was weak. Even with the past few years of me unable to be kind to myself because of the past, I already did myself  more favors by never  backing down and instead chased my goals and built more.

I've always been healthy and functioning, never toxic. Even the strongest will have to curl up in a ball and cry, get mad and scream but I never stopped my life nor let go of my resiliency just to give the biggest space for this vulnerability. My breakdowns don't define me AND don't last. I haven't had a serious one since I spoke to a counsellor sometimes and started opening up more to a few close friends during this quarantine.

Maybe this time, for the first time in so many years, I felt at peace in that aspect I tried so hard to address yet ran away from. That, finally, I can forgive myself and put this behind me for good.


About the QUARANTINE SERIES

These are a series of posts that discuss mental health, deep thoughts, and random experiences during my time in the quarantine. Details of my battles and my triumphs written like how I write it--with honesty and a little insight.