A Gill and A Way

I recall weeks ago how a girl friend ranted on her social media how more conservative relatives of hers looked down on her "choices" in being sexually active and deem her as someone irresponsible despite her being one of the most intelligent and feisty girls I know. After a short exchange of how, also as a fellow woman whose unpopular choices herself are questioned and reflected away from other things I accomplish, we just decide to "do our own thing" because ultimately it's us girls in the end who live our lives.  I do also remember saying to her, "Work hard, play hard, fuck the hardest."

With that said, I am not speaking down to girls who choose not to embrace their sexuality fully and openly. If they feel that being reserved is how they contain their worth and their security lies in being conservative, then I say they should never change it! 

I write this because a friend of mine told me how other friends of his urge him to ask me out, so they can "change me" into someone that is at least acceptable to their standards, to be what a woman should technically be. It's a preposterous thought to have, because it puts women in a binary. I'm admittedly not the best example for the prim and conservative type which, for a number of people, makes me a "bad" and "easy" woman to which friends who know me well know that I am also far from those.

But what makes a woman's choice in everything she does, a full reflection of her character based on a perception by the general public? I understand that part, but aren't choices in most situations predetermined already depending on the circumstance a woman faces? It's not like all the time, some girl says "Oh wow I think I'm gonna do this" out of nowhere. In most cases especially in our everyday lives, our choices are already based on what are the most accessible and doable options given.

At my age, I see girls married with kids; a type of woman some tell me is "accomplished." On my end, I have my own definitions on what I think is considered an "accomplishment" but when my desires and goals are pitted against someone else's, especially if that person leans on the gender stereotype, then that's when my choice suddenly becomes the determinant on why I'm suddenly this "unaccomplished, useless" woman.

By any means, there is nothing wrong when a woman wants to choose having a family and getting married--but there is nothing wrong either if a woman also chooses not to have those and the critics can just shut up about it as if they can provide anything better for women to choose or be held liable when a woman is unhappy being coerced into something she doesn't want.

Dressing up and presenting a certain way is also another thing that women get falsely judged for and treated quite unfairly in many situations. I wear plunging necklines and tight clothing; I sometimes pose seductively for the camera; and I'm not shy in showing I drink occasionally. Yet somehow, I'm perceived as reckless and promiscuous or have done things in a malicious way to get ahead.

My mom warns me once in a while what I choose to do in my free time sometimes could repel the best or worthy people even if professionally I do really well, since people will always have a perception on ladies being "lady-like". I look back at things I do outside of work and think how I have never even done a crime; I don't spend every free time drinking my kidneys out to weariness; and I don't sleep around. Why does the hemline of my skirt or occasional cigarette smoking suddenly a reason for someone to be repelled by me as a whole--without even looking into what I do most of the time which is work ethically and responsibly!

I remember some time ago, "choice feminism" was a thing. Simply put, it's defined as a woman's choice being an act of feminism because each action is done out of her own decision.  Personally, I understand the debate against it which is really, feminism is fighting for an equitable environment for women as opposed to choice feminism is more individualist. However, it does raise the fact that there is this oppression against women on what they choose.

There is always empowerment in having the right to choose and knowing that our choice is our choice alone which no one should be shaming you for, but sometimes my biggest critics to my own choices as a woman were women themselves who choose to put me in a binary or pit me against women they know are what they think are "decent" and "acceptable." Because they are women themselves who have the wisdom to know what I should do or not.

Also, what I choose to project to the public is also not a license to feel violated. I experienced some boys thinking they can touch me a certain way, violating the fact I never gave consent, because I'm not prude. But, they will choose to respect a girl who chooses to not be as liberated. Just because a lady is liberated doesn't mean she's easy and that's the only thing that makes her as a whole.

I believe a woman's choice is something you cannot take away. It is her autonomy, her personal right. It may be shaped by surroundings around her and it may be also molded by her personal preferences, but that's hers alone. I think people need to get to know someone first before making a judgment and before making judgment, at least not have an archaic opinion on things.

And while choice is autonomous, it's not exclusively so in some situations. Depending on what decision-making she's faced with, choices a woman makes also affects women around her. So if you choose to impose what you think on a woman who is doing something that is not harmful to anyone around her, just because it's not agreeable to what you know, then there lies a problem in choice.

I used to think it was mainly the patriarchy I had to ward off when I made choices that weren't always agreeable or acceptable to many but I realize it's just people in general I have to defend myself from, as if  I'm a woman who needs to fit a certain mold to be considered a great one.

So here I am today discussing how suddenly, everyone is a "feminist." Let's disregard for this discussion how there are still misogynists and sexists out there because yes, they are cancer but they won't be part of a point I'll make. We're talking about the so-called feminists which I feel, are just as toxic.

It's great to see everyone say "Let's empower women!" or "Feminism is for everyone!" because clearly, I do support those ideals. Women, in the long history of oppression that they experience, need to be pushed and supported to be the best they can be. And the rest of the people who say think it's cool to say they are into feminism because of "women empowerment" clearly need to realize it's more than just throwing that affirmation that you're on the side of women only.

So yes, I'll be the one to tell you that feminism is helping address the problems behind why women need the empowerment. Or at least recognizing them.

Because going deep into these issues, this is where I see many "feminists" get uncomfortable or worse: indifferent or ignorant.

Celebrating women is important. But that's not the focal point of feminism. We need to support each other and not just "vocalize" it.

I thought of writing this because it irks me that feminism is shown off like some sort of charity to empower women like you must be a saint or it's an attractive trait. Or feminism is a sudden aesthetic to garner likes and followers by showing bland empowerment quotes and women-centric art. People are starting pages, preaching ladies to be stronger and call themselves feminists but have no idea that "feminism" is more than just encouraging women. It's also not as simple as telling women to dress how we want because clothing is never an excuse, when we still have an environment of predators and sexism we need to eradicate.

Feminism is not only about saying to the world your outpouring support for women and gender equality. It's an agenda to push for fairness and justice for women and in many situations, that doesn't always mean to push for equality. Gender equality, for what it's worth, is a nice goal to attain. But if we gotta be academically specific because we surely have to be since I am discussing feminism after all, feminism is recognizing equity, above all. Simply put, equity is pushing for equality based on respective needs of both sexes. And as proven in past literature and reports, needs of women are never addressed and still have a long way to go before we achieve that parity.

Feminism is fighting for equal pay for equal amounts of work between men and women. Feminism is not allowing women to be belittled in doing what they can do.
But Feminism is also knowing that needs of women are not equal to that of men. It's respecting and fighting for our rights which in many cases, are not biologically the same as that of men's, like maternity needs and periods and the fact women are at more risks to other diseases than men.

Living by feminism is a check of what ideals you personally follow and the people you interact with. It disgusts me seeing girls especially, as much as I do appreciate their "women empowerment" slogans and banners that only concern on aesthetics and don't touch the real issues, still tolerate the kind of men and women in their circle who don't respect women or anyone in general. Who date men who are absolutely disgusting and disrespect and sexualizes females. Who pretty much don't care about the victims of abuse, rape, etc. Who ignore that women need treatment for trauma, depression. etc.

Because of course, the "feminist" in you aesthetic chasers think a slogan saying "YOU GO GIRL! " will solve everything. You get me here.

I have met many people who learn that I am a feminist (which I don't say) and the first thing they say is that I probably hate men and I think am better than men which is the usual misconception with feminism. But another misconception? It's simply siding with women, cheering them on when you have no idea on the issues and are indifferent to the reality.

People will read this and think maybe I'm raining on people's parade of girly photoshop skills on their empty "feminism" campaigns on Instagram and other social media.

There's a need to discuss the deeper context of feminism especially if we do aim to make everyone feminists. And that it's not okay to think people will be content by ONLY telling women to rise up and chase goals and do whatever the heck we want. It's never that simple. We have to also contribute for better conditions so we women won't fall back again. We have to educate others that it's never alright to bypass and violate our rights.

Yes, it's important to make women feel better about themselves but let's be more sustainable and longterm with our feminist goals.

So to the faux feminists who just use it for the image more than the ideology: LEAVE, BRUHA KA (As quoted by Sanchez, 2020)



About "Let's Discuss" in my blog

This series is aimed to bring into discussion (duh) about current issues that are multifaceted yet only spoke of through a binary. Issues that are not only black and white but have sensitive gray matter which is expansive, complicated, and often ignored.