A Gill and A Way

Note: This was a letter I wrote to myself from words that I used to cheer myself up. 2017 has been my most difficult year and at a point, I thought was going to be my last. I survived whatever enemy of a person and event that came and embraced them as if they were an integral part of my growth. I decided to dedicate this letter to you, my dear reader; a survivor of 2017. Happy New Year and new life. 💛

Here's to you, brave warrior. Treat yourself to your favorite coffee(or milktea as shown), lounge back and pat yourself in the back for conquering 2017. (Also, not wear a skirt as short as above lol)

Another Note: There is a story as to why I am using these images for this post. They were taken months ago after I experienced success in one of the toughest challenges of 2017. I look weary but I am happy. I know I have accomplished even more after this and will accomplish more this 2018.

Fun fact about this poem: I actually made it for a lesson during my practice teaching! 💗When I was tasked to teach adverbs in poetry one time, I just couldn't find the ~~perfect~~ poem to discuss adverbs with so I ended up making one.In the end, I never used this for discussion so it has been gathering a little dust here in my laptop. Recently, I read this again and wondered why the hell didn't I use this? 😕

Adverbs and adjectives in poetry is a funny topic. I recall being taught in college and even reading an article one time about how those two are unnecessary when coming up with a poem. Poetry is personal, to be honest. You could use as much (Just like John Milton and his never ending "Paradise Lost")or as minimal as possible. You can use any word(or maybe not use any at all a la Jose Garcia Villa's "Emperor's New Sonnet")your heart, mind, and even loins(Charot! For the tigang poets there lol)expresses.

But this one below is purely mind only (No feelings! Chos!)and........okay, maybe a ton of heart but you know what I mean. 😜

"I Walk Shakily" by yours truly ❤

If you read my post on music I currently love, you probably know that I just adore Fazerdaze's "Morningside" album. I actually understated my love for it there because I believed that "Morningside" is the album of the year for me--and this is coming from the year that brought back Paramore, All Time Low, Foster the People, and Tennis! All artists that I was into growing up! 💗

I've heard of Lime Cordiale's "Up in the Air" which was a single from their album "Permanent Vacation" and at one point had it as my LSS but I always delayed in listening to the whole album. BOY, I WISH I DID SOONER! IT'S JUST FRICKIN' AMAZING!

I thought kuya on the write waste pantless HAHAHAHAHA

How would I describe their sound? If you love Tokyo Police Club and Artic Monkeys and wondered what their love child would sound like, then Lime Cordiale is for you. "Can I Be Your Lover" gives me the TPC and Artic Monkeys vibe yet somehow, has this distinct sound only Aussie bands give which I can't quite describe.

Probably one of the most memorable nights of my college life which I realize just happened exactly two years ago last week.

Funny story: I actually forgot I had a Hello Poetry profile once upon a time. It's in that account where I had published some poems online. Recently, some of my students came across it while digging dirt about me (*gulps*)and saw my old poems. I can't help but revisit them myself!

Since today is Thursday, I decided to share this one poem and a throwback photo from a Happy T two years back. I definitely am not as wild as I used to be when I was a Frosh and Sophomore(pero mas mataas grades ko noon ah compared to when I stopped partying chos defensive ko lol) and will spend today like the lola in me I've already embraced.

For others wanting to feel alive today(and tonight), enjoy! 🍻

Poem from hellopoetry.com

Also, check the poetry tag to see more of my works I posted here on my blog! 💛

An overly dramatic dramatization of how I look and feel when I listen to great music. Pic by Lance Cortez

Last I made a post similar to this was years ago! I used to love making entries about music I currently like. I remember back when I was in high scool, I would review music of indie or non-mainstream artists. I really miss those days! One of the reasons I felt so left out in high school is because I couldn't relate to what others were listening to since I was THAT girl who sneered at anything mainstream(foolish person I was lol). Also before my brother would become much more into that scene more than me, he would always ask for my recommendations. 😀

A number of these are recent discoveries while others are rediscoveries(Read: Songs I loved but became much more obsessed with recently). So here is a list of songs, bands, artists and even an album I'm currently loving.

1. Twin Fix

Picture courtesy of their facebook page.

One listen to "True" and you'd wonder why can't they get more love in the OPM scene. I think this up and coming duo is amazing! "True" is the first track of theirs I first listened and I instantly became hooked. "Never Better" gives off San Cisco meets Oh Flamingo edge while still retaining a sort of Summer Salt, surf music vibe. They haven't released that much tracks but do check out their Soundcloud here! Can't wait for them to release their new track "All this Time"!

2. "You've Got Me" by Alex Napping


4. Sandwich - Masilungan




Fact: One of my favorite words in Filipino is actually "silong" which means to take shelter especially from the rain. This is one of Sandwich's older songs and I rediscovered it recently. For me, the instruments to this is actually the best Sandwich has ever sounded. While I love Sandwich and their more upbeat, aggressive rhythms, their more chill ones such as this and "Selos" will always be my favorites.

5. Miami Horror



I wish I learned about them sooner: I always love  great 80s-early 90s inspired music! The song that got me really addicted to them is "Real Slow" which sounds like the perfect weekend song! "Love Like Mine" (above) actually reminds me of the type of stuff Penguin Prison(another more contemporary band that makes similar sounding music)makes and legit reminds me of Indian Summer's "King of Wishful thinking" in some weird way.

6. Rex Orange County - Sunflower



I still can't believe this dude is only 19. Probably this is my main LSS atm and I cannot stress how much this song sounds so fun. I can't help sometimes but bop to it like how he does in the music video lol

7. Tennis - Born to be Needed



One of my favorite artists is definitely Tennis although anything she released after her album "Ritual in Repeat" I wasn't too fond of but hence, I still love Tennis(All her earlier albums are awesome stuff that I still listen a lot). This year though has been different and they have been releasing newer music. Heck only a few days ago, they uploaded three new songs on their Youtube channel! My current fave? "Born to be Needed" is la-la-looooove.

8. Duran Duran - Girls on Film/The Reflex


If you knew me, you would know how much I love music from the 80s(and any past decade, rather)and listen to so much on the loop. I remember before, I really loved Duran Duran and other 80s, New Wave bands. How did I suddenly hear "Girls on Film"? Well I heard it from Stranger Things 2 and I would recognize Duran Duran anywhere. Recently though, I'd listen to that and "The Reflex" repeatedly. I think it was the latter that was the first song I heard of the band when I was young. It still sounds so good to me! Even the music video to this makes me wish I could watch them live during the 80s.

9. Garbage


Probably the nth story of rediscovery here on this list. When I was around 6-7 years old, I used to hear "Cherry Lips" all the time in my school bus. I recently rediscovered it again and their other music, which I eventually found other songs I loved as a kid such as "Androgyny" and "I Think I'm Paranoid". I realize Garbage is probably my favorite nineties and noughties band I never knew I loved and omg, Shirley Manson suddenly is my new girl icon.

10. Fazerdaze - Morningside



If there is a new album I'll recommend, it's definitely Fazerdaze's debut album "Morningside." It's the perfect chill yet upbeat album that is a must listen--I'm definitely addicted to it! "Little Uneasy" is my personal favorite(and how I have so much hugots with the lyrics chos). ❤

I know I have a dorky smile on my face and looked every bit turista here but YOLO(Or 9 because I'm a cat hihi)

It all started one fateful afternoon in January some nearly two years back. It was the first day of the new term and I was alone in this KASPIL1 class(Rizal/Makabayan in other schools)since I decided to cross-enroll(In an Engineering class kasi akala ko may masisilayan akong pogi! Charot!). It was during this time that I was starting out my "Unsure Ako Sa Buhay, Bwiset!" stage. I enjoyed my course and definitely had concrete(or drying concrete since, ya know, I'm still like 50%-60% sure of it lang)plans after college but I wondered what my purpose in life would be. Little did I know that being reintroduced to Rizal would change my life.

Let's flashback to my HS years; I've always admired our National Hero, Dr. Jose Rizal but like other highschoolers, all I knew of him was his ridiculously long name and even longer list of girlfriends. I mean, imagine taking quizzes where I have to answer who was this girlfriend whom he met in Japan (O Sei San)or who is this girl he had to duel Antonio Luna for (Nellie Boustead)? And then there was a time I had to memorize "Sa Aking Mga Kabata"(Which isn't even sure was written by Rizal). There was not so much of Rizal that was all too known for me in a way that I can personally admire--and the only time I learned of him was first year highschool before I took my KASPIL1/Rizal class years later.

But I always said back then I admired Rizal. I say this because the only thing I knew extensively of him were his literature, "Noli Me Tangere" and "El Filibusterismo." Not only do I love the plots and characters but it made me understand our country's colonial past. I loved the symbolism of the characters, events and even objects written in the story. I also would personally allude some of its characters to many people today. It is said that Crisostomo Ibarra was inspired by Rizal himself, but I doubt our national hero was the image of this innocent mestizo boy--Spanish to be exact just like how in the plays,books and a movie of "Noli" normally depict Ibarra--who came home from abroad in "Noli" and turned out to be vengeful and bloodthirsty in "El Fili" (who also wears fabulous, trendy-right-now rose tinted shades).

Just like this song(click here and never sleep at night again lol chos lang pero baka you'll have a new LSS) I'd hear a million times when I was in highschool: "SINO KA BA, JOSE RIZAL? SIIIINO KA BAAAA?" 

AAAANNNND fast forward to taking that class in college. I would like to thank my professor then who not only taught the subject well but also instilled in me the nationalism more fiery than before. It's learning not just about how many girls Rizal dated in his lifetime or memorizing his siblings' names in order or why he didn't shower one summer day but I learned who Rizal actually is and the personal significance of his works to my life.

I remember vividly the pieces I read that inspired me even more than "Noli" and "El Fili" did but of all of them, it was "El Amor Patrio" that affected me the most. It became what I call the foundation of the nationalism I needed to have. Remember when I said I was starting out in this "Unsure Ako Sa Buhay, Bwiset!"(I should trademark this lol) stage? After taking that class and having that literature affect me greatly, I learned my true purpose not only as a person but as a FILIPINO.

Not only do I realize Rizal can be quite the Ernest Hemingway with his metaphorical style of writing that at the same time romantic like Shakespeare(when the latter isn't tragic and pessimistic) but he personified the Philippines as if she(yes, she)is someone to be revered. It is love for her that  "is the greatest, the most heroic and the most disinterested." 

Once you do realize you have it, "the love of country can never be expunged once it has entered heart because it bears the divine mark that makes it eternal and imperishable." I do agree with Rizal that the greatest misfortune is to hate one's country. I guess it is easy to hate our country because of how things are handled here like how the government is reigning with greed(Rizal pun lol)or how society itself is social cancer (Another Rizal pun lololol) or how everything else is not as progressive as we want it to be. I'll be clear in saying this but it isn't the country's fault, really. It's the people and do I have to be like them? No. Although the system here still has a long way to go, it doesn't mean I can allow myself to fail because of it.

It was because of this essay that I realize I definitely have to stay here in the Philippines. Being a future educator, I know I'll find better opportunities abroad but I do think that the Philippines needs the educators, just as they also need the engineers, the doctors, the writers--everyone! I recall going over a book recently filled with Rizal's quotes and reading this(from his letter to someone whom I forgot, sorry!): "Filipinos could serve the country more if they were in the Philippines.  To serve our country, there is nothing like staying in it."

Also in the same book, I saw this little quote from a letter he wrote to Del Pilar:




This country needs the guidance, especially right now with the younger generation who will someday possibly overturn the chaos caused by the adults today. It's only us Filipinos who can redeem our own country--just as much as we are responsible for its doom. I do want to be the one who will help in molding the minds of those who will make a difference in the country someday.

What I love about learning about Rizal is that he gives a great emphasis on education. I remember during that class of mine, my professor emphasized that the great heroes, though many came from well-to-do means, were also well educated. It is this education they had that made them avoid being ignorant to the state of our country back then. It also made them vessels to tell the average indio to open their eyes to the real problems. Fast forward to today and education is already a right for all here. The best way is to utilize it; use education to our advantage. Those who don't find joy in education either are not learning hard enough nor learning to see the whole picture.

Another quote I saw from a book I read recently about Rizal's encouragement for his nephews to study. Hidalgo went on to study at Harvard Law and became a lawyer. Bongga, noh?

The first time I read this, it made me gasp. It probably is one of the best things I have ever read. I believe that this still applies today. These days, people are too quick to judge that having an education isn't necessary because many successful people didn't rely on it. Education lasts a lifetime because learning is never-ending. I still believe there is relevance in doing well in school because it tests one's rigor intellectually and emotionally. While schools are not even half of what real life has to offer, they still serve as avenues for one's success. They expose us to cultures,perspectives and ideas which eventually will help mold our own. I have met some successful people which to be honest, are only successful because they have the means--that were the result of their own parents or family's hardwork and education--and do not see the value of pursuing their studies.

The most disappointing thing really is allowing a mind to rot at the expense of material success. When stripped off every wealth, you won't have anything else because even your mind has nothing.

Like what Rizal says above, it's important to reflect on what you study. I'm fortunate enough to be pursuing a course that makes me learn about fields I'm very interested in which are more in the arts and letters side. But at times, I do feel unhappy with other classes I'm required to take or fall victim in unjust systems in school.What I do is that I still reflect on them and someday, I'll have the educational means and ranking to change all of it.

What is more shocking is that the more average Filipino believes that anything comes easy, too. Many also don't see the relevance of their studies and believe in seizing the day which reaps more consequences than benefits. This reminds me of another piece I read for that class which was "The Indolence of the Filipino." He says in his essay, "Indolence in the Philippines is a chronic malady, but not a hereditary one." While we have advanced in terms of technology and society these days, there are still people who believe in having it easy while there are those who simply don't do anything at all. There are people who mistake inactivity or inability to progress as contentment and acceptance with their living condition. There are those who stand indifferent to real issues around them because they aren't directly affected by them. There are those who are "inspired" by overnight success of other people or personalities who drop out but got rich. While these are not exactly like Rizal's reasons for one's indolence(except overnight success), these still are external factors that hinder the Filipinos' capability to work harder.

Laziness isn't inherited because like what Rizal said, our ancestors weren't lazy prior to our colonization. These days, in the age of innovations that makes lives easy thus making many want to have it even easier, there are those who strive for success through admirable and noble means. We hear stories of kids coming from poor families who get scholarships into Ivy League schools or about poor orphans who soon become lawyers and politicians  or even humble men who started a quaint businesses that become full blown successes now. We love success stories and it would be great that we also work on our own rather than waiting for it to write itself.

Lastly, Rizal is an example of how we can't look down on ourselves as Filipinos. It is the effect of colonization that we suddenly push away and forget our old traditions in favor to the more westernized ones. I had a professor(not the KASPIL1 one)who kept encouraging us in class to keep our truly Filipino heritage alive. It won't always pay off if we become carbon copies of other countries just because we're exposed to their culture. It will lead to downfall if we don't own up our own Filipino language just to prioritize English for globalization purposes. I remember him speaking about Japan as an example of a country that keeps their culture alive and values their language yet is one of the 1st orld countries. I read Rizal's "The Philippines A Century Hence" for that class of his(and also the KASPIL1)and wonder have we at all change for the better...

This was taken when I attended an art exhibition in CCP months back called "The Inverted Telescope" that focused on post-colonial art. This quote was written on the wall.

Rizal foresaw it but we do have the choice to turn this all around. Thank heavens that recently, there is a rise in our local culture to make it more "hip" to our generation such as alibata. There is also a surge now in Filipino literature, music and film recently. Will it grow even more? I believe so. 🙂

I guess being reintroduced to Rizal has made an impact in my life because not only did I realize what I want for myself but also what I want for this country. I know Rizal through his essays where I see his heart and mind poured onto them, showing the world that this was who he was as a person. He was a person who loved this country and knew that his actions have a direct effect on her. He reminded me to put value in sharpening my mind because that was what he did; he is known for his intelligence after all. I personally am not as sharp as him but the least--OR MOST--I can do is study hard, work hard, and dedicate everything for the betterment of the Philippines.

I will end this article with this lovely quote of his:

Note: In remembrance of October being Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to post entries here on my blog about the dark and private aspects of my personal mental struggles. Normally, I don't like openly discussing my own trials with depression or past abuses but I want to shed light so people can have the courage to speak up and triumph over them. Some of these posts were written ages ago but weren't posted immediately for fear of being seen a different way. Regardless of my experiences and diagnosis, I am strong and brave. I may be messed up and messed around but I will not give anyone--especially myself, my own worst enemy--the license to mess with my life.  First post to this series is in this link: http://agillandaway.blogspot.com/2017/10/im-speaking-out-in-time-of-harvey.html Second Post to this series: http://agillandaway.blogspot.com/2017/10/being-confident-with-my-face-and-body.html Third post to this series: http://agillandaway.blogspot.com/2017/10/im-survivor-of-many-thingsa-poem.html

Despite being a supporter for mental health, I rarely, if not never, talk about my own depression. I've had it for the longest time and I still find it difficult opening up about it to just anyone. I also think it is quite a heavy topic to discuss in my blog. I only ever speak about it to those close to me and even they do not know the whole scope. No one knows exactly everything I experience on a daily basis, not even the counselors and psychiatrists I go for help. If I must, I just share what I need to share but I won't detail the other highs and lows I go through.

Note: In remembrance of October being Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to post entries here on my blog about the dark and private aspects of my personal mental struggles. Normally, I don't like openly discussing my own trials with depression or past abuses but I want to shed light so people can have the courage to speak up and triumph over them. Some of these posts were written ages ago but weren't posted immediately for fear of being seen a different way. Regardless of my experiences and diagnosis, I am strong and brave. I may be messed up and messed around but I will not give anyone--especially myself, my own worst enemy--the license to mess with my life. 

First post to this series is in this link: http://agillandaway.blogspot.com/2017/10/im-speaking-out-in-time-of-harvey.html

Second Post to this series: http://agillandaway.blogspot.com/2017/10/being-confident-with-my-face-and-body.html

This month, I wanted to go back again to the world of spoken word open mics. Normally, in these places I'd normally recite my most "hugot" of pieces that would normally stir the crowd. Recently, as I've become a bit more open about my struggles I decided to post a poem I would have performed had some unfortunate circumstances happened on the actual event(like *coughs* organizers *cough cough*). This first one of three pieces I would've performed this month(the other two maybe I'd post when I have the strength to do so since they are pretty long and personal spoken word pieces as opposed to this which is just a short and sweet one)is about overcoming depression even if I still have it. It's chronic, after all but like what my counselor says, we learn to manage it so we can still live our lives meaningfully.


"I'm a Survivor of Many Things"

Note: In remembrance of October being Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to post entries here on my blog about the dark and private aspects of my personal mental struggles. Normally, I don't like openly discussing my own trials with depression or past abuses but I want to shed light so people can have the courage to speak up and triumph over them. Some of these posts were written ages ago but weren't posted immediately for fear of being seen a different way. Regardless of my experiences and diagnosis, I am strong and brave. I may be messed up and messed around but I will not give anyone--especially myself, my own worst enemy--the license to mess with my life. 

First post to this series is in this link: http://agillandaway.blogspot.com/2017/10/im-speaking-out-in-time-of-harvey.html

Never in a million years would I dare be proud and confident with my body--plus sharing vain pics like this lol

Boxing away body issues one punch at a time.

Loving every part of me--face, body and fandom.

Note: In remembrance of October being Mental Health Awareness Month, I'm posting a series of entries here on my blog about the dark and private aspects of my personal mental struggles. Normally, I don't like openly discussing my own trials with depression or past abuses but I want to shed light so people can have the courage to speak up and triumph over them. Some of these posts were written ages ago but weren't posted immediately for fear of being seen a different way. Regardless of my experiences(Insecurities,bullying, and sexual harassment)and conditions(Manic Depression and Anxiety), I am strong and brave. I may be messed up and messed around but I will not give anyone--especially myself, my own worst enemy--the license to mess with my life now and in the future. 

Everyone knows that the Harvey Weinstein case is all over the news these days. The last time I have tallied on how much women come into public over a dirty man was when Tiger Woods had his many mistresses! But slight jest aside, the amount of articles I read about women being sexually harassed and abused since this incident have skyrocketed. Look into sites such as The Cut or New York Magazine and you see the prevalence of women's articles relating to sexual harassment and assault plus their own personal Harvey Weinstein's.

The one article that prompted me to make this post was one of The Cut's entitled "I'm a Coward." I read this on my birthday and seriously, I cried. Now, I won't get into details of past incidents of inappropriate behavior done on me because I had my reasons which I will explain later on why I kept it under wraps, some incidents with only myself and the perpetrators as the only people who knew about it. Even if the Weinstein news has been triggering me a lot, I was still adamant to bringing whatever happened to me to my death. Anyway, the author--Liz Meriwether--discusses how she kept silent and submissive to the disgusting treatment towards her. One quote of hers in the article resonated with me and had me breaking down:

" I had just never imagined myself as the kind of woman who stayed quiet in those situations. I thought I was like the characters I wrote about — I thought I was a plucky young girl who fought back against injustice. A rebel. A feminist. An avenger. It turned out that I was none of those things."

These words stung. Although I'm not a published writer and don't really write about strong female characters, I deemed myself as one in real life. I'm a feminist and am a woman for women. I speak out against the unfair social issues. I refused to be the stereotypical feminine prototype because when an old suitor told me once he wanted me to be the typical housewife who gives his briefcase before he leaves for work and shit, I fucking told him off that I'd be a better provider than him. Even with the way I look, I wear tight miniskirts, like weird colored lipstick and have eight piercings. When I'm either casually dating a guy or in a serious relationship, I am vocal when I feel uncomfortable and have a strong control against anything stupid that could happen between him and I. I've also successfully avoided many situations where I know deep inside would be dangerous for me because I knew the men were lewd and suspicious.

I am far from the very description of someone allowing herself to be a victim.

Turns out in reality, there is no definite "description" of what a victim should be. Men--or women--prey on whoever they believe they have power on. I may believe to be a defender of women's rights or a tough girl for potential suitors to win over--but in reality, I allowed myself to submit to these situations, more than once and in different ways. Even if there were times I was able to keep myself safe, I was not spared from unexpected events that terrified me.

I refused to be a victim even if in reality, what's done was already done. This was probably why with some of the men who sexually harassed me--from close friends to acquaintances--I still chose to be civil with them. To those I don't speak to at all--like the estranged friends and random strangers--I act like nothing happened nor did they existed. Though a part of me already had a sense of distrust towards them, I felt it was better than putting myself in a seemingly pitiful position which was making everyone know how affected I was or how I was easy for these men to victimize.

Worst I thought was what if I lose to these men even more if I did stand up for myself? Like Meriwether, I chose to keep silent and still be in the presence of them when called for. This was the most cowardice thing I did even if it is painted as faux bravery on my end.

Evan Rachel Wood spoke out not too long ago about her rapists and why it took her long to keep mum on it. She said it was emotionally taxing and also financially difficult. People are so easy to judge on women when they keep silent over something serious such as sexual harassment but when these women come forward, it becomes a risk for the latter. You are placed under scrutiny and people will question why you were in that place and time at all. You are constantly bullied for being a slut or liberal especially if prior to those incidents, you weren't Virgin Mary to begin with. It also becomes even more difficult because even if you choose to be a great example to women by getting justice for this, the emotional trauma will never leave. The feeling of being used and abused never really goes away.

Financially, it is traumatizing because it becomes a gamble more than an investment. You bring a case to court, allow jurors to decide, and if things don't go in your favor you are left even more devastated. It ends up as a waste of money and energy especially in these times where you see sexual harassment and rape cases on TV that are usually in favor for the men. Or let's say the victim wins the case; what I couldn't handle is that so much people will know. There will be so much attention on something I find really personal and painful.

Sometimes, the more you involve people in a matter that is of your own makes things more complicated. It can make things more difficult than you're already left with.

Personally, I never spoke out because I've been judged a lot on many of my choices. I remember one time while riding a jeep, the driver literally felt his hands in my legs. I never told him off because I got stone-cold and powerless in this situation. Once I got home, I told my family about it and the first thing I was told was why I even commute in a skirt. Imagine if you tell others about the more serious things? I'll be nagged on why I even go out at night or be alone with these men. Also, let's say that my family and friends side with me; they will be heartbroken and disappointed. They will also be angry and fuming. I wouldn't want to make them go out of their way and feel miserable for me.

People question why the female celebrity victims who came forward or the women spoken about by others as victims just allowed themselves to be treated this way. I knew in my heart why: They were afraid of a worse consequence than what was happening to them. Weinstein is powerful, figuratively and literally. The men who victimized me? They were powerful in their own way too like they were usually taller and stronger or had a reputation of being "the ultimate good boy" or had the connections I needed. On my end, the worse consequence was getting hurt. I'll usually read about murder cases of women who said no but got killed for not giving in or women whose faces was ruined because of acid thrown at them. I SERIOUSLY REALLY GET SUPER PARANOID OF MANY WAYS I COULD GET HURT. I was also worried about being emotionally threatened against the things I worked on. Like for example, I knew this one guy was powerful and he'll do what it takes to sabotage me. Lastly, I already felt like I will lose to these men. I had done stupid and wild things before I decided to be completely clean since seriously, even if I achieved well in school I didn't want to be seen another way. One of the men who harassed me is the most clean-cut person I know til he violated me a few times. Who are you most likely to believe in this situation: a girl who was shamelessly reckless before or a guy saint in making?

Of all those reasons, I want to further emphasize on the first one. It is what keeps me cold and immobile during these horrible past events. I'm only 5'2. The only muscle I have that is strong is my heart(lol). I'm typically underweight. I hate violence and don't get into physical fights too much(Usually, petty catfights I had in the past lol). I get bruised easily. I bleed AN AWFUL LOT when I get cut or wounded or have a pimple popped. I have had hurt my bones for uncool reasons like hitting myself in a wall or tripping on a rock. I have incorrectly used my pepper spray in situations I needed it the most(and it BURNED MY EEEEYYYYESSS). I may have the capability to think of ways to get out of a situation or run fast enough to tire people but someone else's greater physical might and power has proven before to have defeated me. In every circumstance for me, my mind is always in a blur and fear of my safety is the main cloud that causes it.

Since the Harvey Weinstein case first came out to public, I have always wondered if I should speak up about my own experiences. Honestly, I still really don't want to but what I can share is how I felt and learned. I was ready to bring this all to my grave but the day such as my birthday and reading the article sparked a little confidence in me. Even before sharing everything today, I have always been proud that many people around me see me as a strong woman. I have battled many fights before especially with my manic depression, constant bullying, toxic past lovers and tough upbringing.

After writing this, I pledge to be stronger. Recently, I have a friend come forward to me about her major depression and how her personal experiences of being objectified and harassed by men for many years has contributed to it. I feel a sense of responsibility because I'm being approached for support. I'm looked up by my friend who is younger than me as an example of how I prevailed my own depression and I know I cannot keep my sexual harassment secret forever. I knew exactly how it felt like to have that trauma haunt you and make you want to isolate from people. It made me the angriest person in the world. There were times that I was able to handle the demons in my mind but a few times the past few years, they mercilessly taunt me and make me think that even the men I truly trusted are also capable of hurting me the way my harassers did--maybe even worse. I have gotten so much nightmares about it, so much paranoia, so much heartache...

No victim deserves to blame themselves regardless of how they put themselves in that situation. We don't hang out with a certain person and expect to get harassed or raped, do we? If you have the strength in those situations to fight, damn fight that asshole and defend yourself. If you chose to not stand up in that situation, I completely understand. People will easily say that it can be easily avoided or stopped, but they don't know us. They don't know why we choose to go on with life despite knowing letting these incidents go feels wrong. People tend to say that the ones really to blame are those who still decide to go on with the act but in all honesty? I think the one who initiates the act is really to blame. They won't put their victims torn with a decision they are not supposed to make because they are not even supposed to be put in that situation at all.

No person wants to be violated, period. It wouldn't be a violation at all if they did and they would never feel the way I just shared if they really "wanted" and "expected" the harm that came their way.

To those who read this and have never experienced these at all, don't be too quick to judge. Recently, I opened up to someone about these dark secrets of mine and I was scrutinized as to why I still submitted in something wrong. Why wasn't I wiser in this situation? Why didn't I expect this to happen? Why did I still give in anyway? Simple: NO PERSON EVER EXPECTS NOR WANTS THIS TO HAPPEN AND IS AWARE SOMETHING WORSE COULD HAPPEN. I see that people can be understanding with me but at times they also can't help but point to me why I'm dumb enough to still allow it to happen. All I can say is when it happened to me, it removed all logic in my brain and replaced it with vacuum. Every cell in me was filled with fear: fear of getting physically beaten, fear of being taken away of privileges, fear of being outcasted even more. Especially since I had a history of being harassed in the past, it didn't make me braver. It made me become even more stone-cold scared whenever it happens. I  also was conscious of how my immediate circle will react to it; better I'm the only one experiencing the pain of knowing this than they feel it too.

To the girls and boys who have experienced personal violations before and are reading this now, you have the right to remain silent if you want to be silent. I knew how much silence has benefited me but do remember that with that comes with a lot of downsides. We are basically allowing these disgusting beings to get away with it. In all honesty, even if you stop one harasser or rapist, there are others more. Ideally, we want a world free from evil but even the world itself is evil. I believe in justice but I know it won't ever take away the feeling of dirtiness and disrespect. It won't break down the wall of fear and distrust for men I built. Justice won't help me give me peace. Justice won't give me the assurance I need from the people I love. Despite this, I will still live life the way I lived: striving hard for my goals and being surrounded by people who won't hurt me. I won't allow other men who will think of pursuing me to think I'm easy because I'm not.

To those who are still experiencing ongoing and continuous mistreatment from someone, I say speak up no matter what. Stop that cycle in your life of being someone's pleasure thing. You may justify why you experience what you experience, maybe even blame yourself for the whole thing. Just remember that it is never your fault. It will always be the fault of the dirty old men who take advantage.

For all the Weinsteins of the world, may you lose your hands that aggresively grope, castrate your balls that forcibly penetrate and finally rot in hell with the real demons.