I've been writing year-end posts in my blog since 2017. I've always discussed about lessons I learned and accomplishments I achieved. For this 2020 though, I want to tackle on exploring my purpose amid the pandemic since 2020 has been a difficult year for everyone.

I started this 2020 with so much hope and aspirations more than I had the years before. I told myself, this will be the year I will finally study. This will be the year I will move on professionally. This will be the year I will do big milestones like travelling alone or moving out of my house. 

The thing with this virus, it became this microscopic push behind evaluating the gargantuan goals I set myself. I will say that the quarantine ruined everything--or I can look at it as the virus delayed plans so I can assess myself before pushing through with them.

One of the biggest issues for me is my role as a journalist during the quarantine. Some people I know are like, "Oh, she's a journalist! Frontliner!" and then others are like "She doesn't do much! Never even left the house!"

I guess it hurt to hear comments that I may be like this but don't do the extra mile like my colleagues do. Or to get belittled because writing news from virtual briefings is "easy" because it's just there already to view from the comforts of home.

The doubts on the relevance of what I do emphasized more when I felt helpless watching every struggle others were experiencing on the screen instead of being actually there to help. But if I were physically present, would I have done something to help?

Another question I asked myself is if journalism was for me. It was not a question I ever asked because I know this is what I want to do but when a superior once told me that I was not meant to be one--that I was the worst writer he knew--and that I should consider resigning, of course it made me think.

There were many times my own morals and beliefs were tested and sticking to them was always the best decision for me and even the job I have. However, I sometimes felt punished for it, for proving others wrong and for making others look bad, when my only sole purpose is everything I write out there is factual and with integrity.

Mistakes I made became magnified this year. Because there's this thought, you're at home and everything is just there for you to watch so how can you fuck up? I will do my job consistently well but the few times I slipped over things I cannot even control, I felt like the worst failure and that I was unworthy of being a journalist.

I recently accepted my second journ award but also within that week I did, I received a scolding that I was the most disappointing writer out there. My mind gravitates to the side where I believe I'm great but then it also lures into the depressing end of knowing I suck.

I always remind myself that being a reporter now is more than just writing a briefing that was live online or in Zoom. I wait hours on end for speeches and meetings, even on my off-days, out of obligation and the art of my work. My mind gets overwhelmed by different consecutive briefings daily and it's harder to write on them considering the time constraint of a newspaper press. One also needs to think fast when the news changes drastically one minute to next because the government obviously does not cooperate well together.

I want to finish writing this with a resolution that's happy and motivating after the tumultuous existential crisis as a writer I faced this year but I think that's impossible and I won't force myself to close this post with something inauthentic. I won't lie that there were those rare moments I did fall out of love with what I do yet here I am still fighting.

Love is a choice. I chose to love the country and serve it by loving my purpose as a writer. There were times that my heart beating fast was due to anxiety more than excitement but in the end, I want to do this. My heart has always been in this. Almost three years a journalist and surviving this year, there's so much more to navigate so why do I have to stop now?

To the powerful and greedy, the monsters that haunted me...

I kept my silence for the longest time, as all the scrutiny hovered over my head like storm clouds and overpouring rains. It soon died down but my wounds soon turned to scars that will forever remind me of what I never wanted to happen but already did.

I thought the stage of trauma will never leave and I still tear up when I'm left alone with thoughts of the past. More than the actual series unfortunate events, the aftermath was unfortunately worse. I will be judged as that girl who foolishly got lured in and the girl stupid enough to not fight back.

If I can describe being frozen the moment you took over me lasted until now as I flashback a year later, it will never be encapsulated. I'll just be that one others say who wanted it to happen, because I allowed it to, because consent took the best of me more than fear.

Whatever happened could've been avoided, right? Rather than you having better judgment to not even put me in that position?

I will never fight back. You and the rest, however, can throw all the rocks my way. You all can take everything away from me, as if riches and power isn't enough. You would want my dignity stripped off even more, like the way those clothes dropped in the bedroom floor, like the way my worth fell knowing I'm not worth helping bringing justice regarding this.

You are all cowards. You tried to silence me, strip me off the only things I had, and force me to forget so everyone can move on. How could I move on? I only had my education that was nearly taken away and my self-esteem that suddenly reached an all time low. I felt myself sinking, because I'm not worth fighting the truth for, I'm not worth even being a fighter in the first place against people like you.

All of us moved on. I find myself having to push myself harder to ultimately gain back everything I lost as I watched all of you live life extravagantly and unremorsefully. You will never understand how that in rebuilding myself, I occasionally crack and have to start all over again.

But you will never bring me down, not today.

2018 is a fresh start for me, as bent flowers bloom and sprout and open wounds close and heal. I want to fight back but this society is too sick, because money matters only and never the truth. I'll just watch myself rise until someday, I will see you all meet your doom.

I will never fight back. You all may have beaten me black and blue and remove all color that once resided in my vivid personality, but I still feel a little pulse in me and a sign of life despite your attempts to die me down. You will never put a good girl down, even if your evil has reigned for God knows how long.

To the man who hurt and violated me and to the men who knew about their friend's vileness but chose to stay silent, may you someday feel my pain much more than I have now.

For the longest time, I have watched you disgusting men love whoever you love like the doting angels you are but someday, not only will the women you love see how horrible you are but know you have hurt women of their kind. One day, you will be married and have daughters and how I wish the women in your life never experienced the injustice I did. I wish to see the day the women that mattered in your life learn how disgusting you men are as human beings because no one deserves monsters in their life--and no one should go away unscathed from the sins done.

My words will be my only form of power. The time will come when I'll speak out not because I was never brave before but because I just have more power to defend myself. The power belongs to the men who think they can bring down women, but you know who between us both has the power to win.

I know I'll be stronger, or maybe I just already am.

...which, were not written out of love, but the ink spent in placing words fooled me that I did felt like it was about to come. That you were special enough to even be associated with such languid language and amorous affirmations.

These were letters you never received, only because I was unsure even when you offered your heart and the world. Uncertainty turned to be true. Uncertainty turned to be disappointing. Uncertainty that kept me from bartering my heart with yours too soon, you who proclaimed to the world was sure with me and that stars aligned to bring you my way. The very same stars that drifted me away from you.

These were letters written in light blush-colored paper with stark, inky black pen professing the softest of my being you turned me to when I was with you.

One letter I wrote mentioned how happy you made me in the longest time. That you were this dreamy knight who offered only affection and laughter. A towering figure I'd look up and adore, just before you'd kiss me in the forehead. A soft voice that assured will never hurt me nor make me cry.

One letter I wrote was on the day you suddenly bickered at me out of nowhere and had to say those things that brought me to tears, as if you were the very monster I feared. How I still wanted to calm you down when you burned the bridges even further, making me feel I was farther away from you--and it was the right thing to stay so.

I've had history wasting the best of word constructions I could ever write to the worst boy who only knew how to crumple paper. I had a past of burning up letters as I watch them turn into ashes after a few seconds, as if I never spent sleepless nights on how to make these letters encapsulate how I truly felt.

Your words showed how you were vexed, a soul that was seething. How were you the same person who only had lovely things to say and I felt that I could map out the most beautiful of texts from my soul's literature? 

I guess...you'll be the last of the letters I rarely made in this lifetime until possibly someone else comes along and actually feels my heart in my handwriting. I tell you the letters I tried to keep as the girl who did not want to be kept by you. Never will you have that knowledge of how much you possessed my heart which at one point, only wanted to paint its feelings with words that the universe kept me from saying to you.

These were words you will never read and feelings I will never orally say back to you.

I don't really get curious by hype but if it is intriguing enough for me, I do try to find out if it's worth the buzz myself.

I've seen so much local lipstick launches this year even with the virus crisis and to be honest, none ever comes as near as the attention the new Powder Pout Lipstick of Detail Cosmetics garnered. It is a great marketing strategy because all 12 shades are in collaboration with local vloggers. Plus, the brand is quite affordable so I definitely see these lipsticks selling out. (IT HAS FOR LOTS OF ITS SHADES. TWICE--AND ONLY SEVEN DAYS SINCE IT LAUNCHED)

I admit, this is probably my weak point because I follow really only a few beauty content creators whether local or foreign and stay loyal to them for years but I am familiar with most Detail collaborated with. However, because of budget constraints and the fact buying a vlogger lippie of a vlogger I don't personally follow is the cosmetic junkie's version of wearing a band t-shirt of artists I've never heard of, I decided to buy only two shades: Raiza Contawi and Toni Sia. 

I love LOOOVE the boxes so much!

I learned to wear makeup when I was grade school and highschool because of magazines and blogs but in college, that's when I started following tutorials and watching beauty reviews and one of the local ones I do follow is Ms. Rai because 1.)  I love her reviews and 2.) She's an actual makeup artist. Toni Sia on the other hand, just comes in my suggestions quite often and actually has good beauty reviews I watch, too. I mean, I work hard for my money so I better check good reviews for makeup that also works hard for me too, right?

Now on to the lipstick....

I owned one Detail Cosmetics lipstick before and it's this gray colored lippie I've only worn once AND to work during my fresh grad days when I still had remnants of my edgy college self who wore dark lipstick sometimes. And I hated that formula because it was a little shiny and slick but felt heavy for me; like you feel the lipstick on your lips although not as heavy as cement like the way it looked.

The only Detail lipstick I owned prior to the Powder Pout which is heavy, greas,y and kinda patchy for such a bold color

The Powder Pout Lipstick is the exact opposite of that: it's matte and feels light on the lips which I will detail Get it? DETAIL? Charot. It is quite soft and easy to ruin if you are not super careful with the bullet but I accepted not all lipsticks remain immaculate when they're in my possession and I actually use them. Also, I've heard many descriptions on what the smell is from chocolate to popcorn to Play Doh to vanilla and I can confirm that it CAN smell like all those of those but actually, the scent reminds me of butter flavored Nissins wafers specifically. (Yes, the ones in the yellow wrapper!) Although Toni's shade smells much more buttery than Raiza's, which has hints of rubber and chocolate. WOW SCENT MASTER RACE

ALSO, THE PACKAGING IS GORGEOUS--FROM THE BOX TO THE ACTUAL BULLET.

It has a powdery soft finish as opposed to a fully opaque matte finish but this can be built up to make it that way.

Let's talk about the shades I picked up because I think it's the colors, as much as the formula, that makes them my favorite. My very VERY very favorite of the two is Raiza Contawi's! Detail described Raiza's shade, surprisingly called "Raiza Contawi", as a "subtle pink and brown." I'll be that girl who will say, as someone who owns her brownish pinks and pinky browns, this does not have even an ounce of brown. It's more beige based and is an old rose that surprisingly doesn't pull a little purple. All I can say is, it's the only pink lipstick I will buy from now on, no shit. This, and Maybelline Superstay Matte Ink in Delicate. I'm very picky with pinks and I think Raiza Contawi's is a winner.

Raiza's shade is that universal shade of pink which I haven't quite seen so much in other brands

Toni Sia's shade is that sweet light peach that makes you look so sweet and innocent which I fail to be but hey, this lipstick can fool you

I compared the formula with powder matte finishes of other local brands. The formula actually reminds me of my favorite bullet lipstick which is the Sunnies Face Fluffmatte which feels so smooth and a little whipped on the lips. Yes, the finish on the lips is similar with other offerings but what makes this stand out is how creamy it feels when you swipe it on. Sunnies Face is much pigmented and creamy but a little-JUST LIKE, 12%--more heavy than Detail but Detail feels much smoother on the lips so I don't mind building the color on my lips since it feels so buttery yet light. Penshoppe's Beauty Pop HydraMatte Lipstick is also something I wear often but is not as smooth as both lipsticks. It actually tugs but I tolerate it because it smells like marshmallows and it feels more lightweight than the usual matte lipstick.

Lasting power is impressive for a bullet lipstick. Of course, it transfers if it comes to contact on any surface but it does wear out evenly throughout the day and it leaves a subtle stain. It doesn't dry out the lips and with it being a "powder matte", it blurs lip liners and smoothens out flakes upon application.

Toni and Raiza's shades are above while Sunnies Face in Vacay and Penshoppe in Girl Next Door are in the bottom. Specifically chose the lower two thinking they'd be a dupe but nope. Far from it.

The Powder Pout is comfortable to wear and with the Detail makeover line having shades in the line that I feel cater more to the Pinay skin tones, I think Detail Makeover is the clear winner for me. AND IT'S 199 PESOS EACH. BARGAIN REALLY

Do I recommend this lipstick? The answer is obviously yes and I wonder why I even asked. They're selling like hotcakes on Shopee and Lazada and I see a great reason why! The other vlogger shades seem much more brown based to me but that's not a bad thing for me and are all gorgeous shades! It's just I have similar shades already in my arsenal so I guess Raiza and Toni's colors are just enough for me at the moment. However, if I could, I'd definitely want to get Rei Germar's(which is a deep brownish nude), or Angel Dei's (which looks like a dead on dupe of my one of my fave lipsticks, Sunnies Face Fluffmatte in Vacay!).

On my eyes: Colourpop Going Coconuts Eyeshadow Palette(Put Shredded all over my lid until my lower brows then Coolada on my crease which is followed by Get Crackin all over my eyelid as a blended it extensively using the brush I used for Coolada in a cat eye shape. Added Coolada and Get Crackin' on the lower lashline then deepened the outer corner of my eyes with Nutty. Topped the lid with Coco Crush), Focallure Liquid Eyeliner pen On my cheeks: Maybelline City Bronzer in 200, Focallure Monochromatic Duo Blush in 01 Soft Apricot, Wet n Wild Megaglo Highlighter in Bloom Time On my lips: Mixed both Raiza and Toni on my lips

Another thing Detail Cosmetics Powder Pout did right...

I've seen a number of lipstick launches during the past two years and personally, this is the one launch I've seen much more audiences gravitated towards to. This isn't the first time I bought lipstick out of hype but this is probably the first time I felt I identified myself more with the product, from price point to shades to the formula. It's as if the actual product isn't just something marketed with a famous influencer's face just to earn profit but this product is actually made for US Filipinas and Filipinos by people we idolize and a brand that's easily accessible. Even the promotion of the product in its social media isn't solely just the faces of influencers but faces of actual Pinoys and Pinays who truly enjoyed the product and are excited to have a piece produced by their idols.

I felt the need to bring this up because some lipstick launches, although the common theme nowadays for local makeup brands is "universal representation" in terms of shades, seemed to fall short in some aspects in terms of making the customer "valued". Let's talk about another pretty big lipstick launch a few months ago from another local brand which is pretty steep in price for a scented lip product that barely lasts. While I've seen lots of other girls fork on these lipsticks that cost more than the daily minimum wage locally and post how much they love it on their media, the brand itself chose to only repost IG stories, social media posts, and testimonials of influencers they probably gave free PR boxes of the whole range to. While there is a target market for each brand, there are many of those like me who went out of our way to buy such a pricey product and post our humble reviews only to feel like we're snubbed by the actual brand.

Speaking of shades, another lipstick launch last year released a line of "universal" nudes which in most reviews I've watched barely even passed for most skintones except the content creators who made the line, which is much more inspired by Western influences. I'm alright with brands being inspired by foreign concepts but we can build it to adjust what works for the audience locally, right? And build nude shades that are actually flattering and universal which never include peanut butter tans or cool-toned beiges or dull poop browns.

I do like products from these two brands I just mentioned but I just wish they don't act like the lifestyle they endorse is much more unattainable to a general market yet they promote their products as if it's a necessity to human kind, because of either the aesthetics that copy other minimalist brands or the "skin-friendly" chuchu they advocate.

This is in no way to put brands against each other in this diverse market we have locally. However, if you see in the brand's promotion more pictures, stories, and testimonials of happy and giddy customers that are the average Pinay who adore the one or two lipsticks they buy from the line more than posts and reviews of super stylized women who have the whole collection for free, I guess a brand is doing the promotion to the customer right by showing value to them. That these products are not created for the IG famous lot who will probably only get another PR box of another whole range lipstick line and leave whatever lipstick they just promoted to gather dust but the everyday Pinoy and Pinay who love to wear makeup and wear that makeup along with a real purpose.

When the race to get engaged or get married is as cutthroat as countries developing a cure for COVID-19....

Bridesmaid duties for now

Note: This post was written at an earlier date so some events transpired after writing this, such as breakups or cancelled events. However the message of this writer still remains clear.

It seemed like another day of seeing a friend on social media, smiling widely as she holds up her hand to show off her latest accessory: a simple engagement ring that is as sparkly as her thrilled eyes. However this time is different since her post came with a disclaimer that they wore masks at all times during the special moment her guy popped the question.

The day before this, I learned another friend got married as he posted on the same social media platform his "new normal" wedding; social distancing in the church and the bride wearing a mask that matched her equally lacey white dress with some sequined detail. 

Before the virus pandemic, it was like my norm already hearing someone I went to school with suddenly getting married or expecting a child. But hearing news like this, particularly about engagements, seems different now that times will never be the same again. It feels like a race for those who are in relationships to cement the connection for a lifetime, as if the virus might cause a zombie apocalypse or the end of the world.

However, this race to forever with someone isn't a race against those people around us who are getting engaged but rather, a race against fear over how much this virus has taken away and how much more it could still do so. It has stolen a lot of these: time, lives, and security. This same virus that is ravaging the world mercilessly and how it will take away much more ambitions and aspirations for the far future as it took away plans and goals of the present time and near future. 

This virus took away jobs of people and closed down businesses. This virus also claimed lives for some who caught the sickness and for those who survive it, have lived in fear and doubt over experiencing the world the same way they did before getting sick.

This race to forever with someone isn't a race against those people around us who are getting engaged but rather, a race against fear over how much this virus has taken away and how much more it could still do so.

 

I will tell you that this pandemic, in many ways, has ruined a number of plans I had for myself: grad school, new work, and moving out. Ever since I was younger, I always had a Plan B in life if certain paths take me somewhere far from the one I mainly had my eyes on. But this pandemic distorted that because it felt like a never-ending isolation from the real world, if it actually does still exist, and having no choice but to remain immobile in this house. 

I mean, marriage isn't a goal I see myself reaching in the next few years but the possibility I feel it will happen in this lifetime is highly likely. With the unpredictability of things now and how it is taking forever to end, what if my somewhat hazy but undeniable certainty to be married and the still-inexistent yet indisputable plans I have for my future husband will also be stolen away from me the way it did with concrete plans to improve my life independently right now?

Recently while we were out, the guy I'm dating raised the issue on when is an ideal time to get married and have children, although not in a serious way but more for a conversational matter. With him being a little older than I am and already far off in his career as I still try to carve out mine, it's pretty clear he wants it sooner than I do since I still have to reach my target of finishing my masters and then my doctorate, which could take maybe up to 10 years. 

There is no coercion in diving immediately to the life of being a wife and mother right now, but this pandemic definitely made discussing about it sooner than waiting a bit later to talk about that future. That talks like this, pre-COVID-19, were normally spared because there is no rush to it. Now, it's like a world war 3 or a new pandemic is highly likely with all the tension this COVID-19 brought.

And remember: this pandemic has ALSO been the reason someone's marital plans were on hold. I've seen dream weddings cancelled because large scale events aren't allowed or because budgets have become tighter as people lose livelihood or people away from their loved ones because of the travel ban.

I think with this COVID-19 crisis, we just appreciate people more in our lives like how we express our admiration more for them, regardless of who they are like family or friends or lovers. For some of us, it will mean getting down on one knee and asking a partner's hand in marriage.

But is it right that, amid the unnecessary pressure of the surge of friends we know who are engaged, to do the same? All I can say is this is about one's individual happiness, and no races have people who reach the end of the line at the same time. However, there are no winners or losers here but only those who are ready for the next step. You're ready? Great! You're not? Great! 

With friends already planning their weddings for the near future, does it justify wanting to do the same for myself? Because on my end, it will mean I'll have to rush into something I have not put my mind in at the moment, especially when I still need to get the hang of things in terms of dating. That there are things to figure out with the person I'm with before even getting serious, let alone before I build a life with him.

And to those who actually are in love and are with someone they wholeheartedly want to share their future with, just think: initiating or accepting a marriage proposal isn't solely an immediate reaction to a pandemic but a gateway to spending a lifetime with someone. This COVID-19, as impossible and never-ending as it feels, will go away. But that willingness to be there for the one person you love for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health...is something determined by how you feel, and not how the pandemic feels like the Armageddon.

Do I feel the pressure? To be honest, not really. I'm still taking my time with everything, especially after years of being single and still not able to reach the goals I set for myself within a certain timeline because of this stupid irus. All I know is, I want to be sure of every decision I make and the only person who will pressure myself to do anything is myself.

Reliving moments in the same old streets and cold museums was a mistake...but oh how it was beautiful.

 

Hey guys! Wow, it's been a month since I last wrote or posted something here. 

It may be ✨✨Virgo Szn ✨✨ but here is a poem of mine from what might be an amazing Leo season last month. Now, I can only look forward to whatever is in store whether stormy or sunny, uncertain or sure. Amid this pandemic, let's remember there's always a certain light that glows despite the world growing grim and dim. 

"To Light" by yours truly

College! How time flies since I first entered university six years ago(!!!) and exited a little over two years ago.

I feel inspired to write this because a lot of my former students are freshmen college this school year. And I keep telling them it's a whole different ball park! Although we have the COVID-19 pandemic which unfortunately is stealing away the valuable experiences all freshmen out there should be experiencing moments during the first time they set foot in university, I just want to create this guide for when all this is over. I feel positive, despite the pessimistic outlook this virus is giving globally, that someday there will be a time that moments lost will be made up for.

In this country, everyone seems so obsessed with university ranks and how they equate to a real college experience. Regardless of your university's ranking, your college life and how you breeze through it is not dependent on that. It's how YOU take the wheel because they're not kidding when they say while college is a time to enjoy before you face the real world, it's still crucial preparation for the real world.


1. Take your studies seriously!

First day of classes in DLSU back in May 2014!

I think we've all been told this in different wordings possible: college is NOT cheap so study hard. And looking back, I totally agree! I know it sounds corny but one of the reasons I really tried to strive in my academics in college was because of my Dad since he was the one who really worked to raise my siblings and I and I definitely grew up seeing that struggle. Not all kids appreciate their parents' efforts but in college, it's about time you do and you should do that by studying! It makes spending on the education worthy for your parents AND yourself which I will explain a little further later.

Why study hard? Because if you plan to apply for work after graduating, one of the requirements is your TRANSCRIPT OF RECORDS! This is where your grades during your whole stay in college will be stated. While some employers just accept the transcript as proof you actually graduated college, some industries really do take a look at your grades! I will never forget that time I was once asked during a job interview why I had a grade of 0 in a crucial English class. (However, I was able to retake the subject and get a perfect grade which in my school's grading system was able to remove the 0 grade in other records but since this is a transcript of each step I had in college, it will remain there).

I feel like this is also the time to practice discipline for adulting and having a good study routine is one way to start!

Also, were you also the type who did mediocre or even failed in highschool but dream of that laude? College is definitely a chance for redemption but only if you work hard! I had a friend who was running for summa and is brilliant in his economics program but he would tell me how in highschool, he often failed math subjects! I also know someone who had to take a reconsideration exam to get into DLSU but studied hard during his stay and graduated with a latin honor. It's possible, guys!

2. But remember this is a time to have a little fun and to experiment!

Attend parties if there are, go out with your friends once in a while after finishing your school requirements (but I know you'll experience a few times in your college life that you will be wasted or choose to party over doing school work BUT PLEASE BE RESPONSIBLE), and take all the memorable trips you can with them if you can! Friends you have in college could be the friends you have in your lifetime so try to make it as memorable with them as you can! Something as simple as having dinner together in a fastfood joint or having a bottle of beer when the school week ends counts, too!

I've definitely had those fun nights in the bars and clubs

Also, since probably you don't have the same constraints as you experienced during your highschool years, this is time also to go out but be wise about it! You have to always keep aware of your surroundings and also tell a loved one where you are at all times! Safety first !

Having fun doesn't just mean partying or hanging out with friends. College is the best time to discover what you like. Maybe your school will offer classes for painting or will have movie nights free for students. Or if your school has those yearly school fairs and concerts, attend! Even if it gets so hot and crowded--even only once just for the experience.

Also remember to decide wisely when having fun. It's easy to be carried away because you're young and you're still learning but remember the precautions always and always remember the consequences.

And when I say experiment, now is the best time also! Unless your school has a strict dress code, you can experiment with fashion and your beauty look! I definitely took a risk before from dying my hair blond to wearing miniskirts to wearing wild colored lipsticks!

Yes, I used to be a blonde. Dyed it ash and blue once, too!

3. Spend within your means and your priorities!!!

It only takes milktea to be happy!!!

In college, it's unavoidable that you'll meet people you love hanging out with but sometimes, you will find yourself spending more to keep up. Or school requirements are just so expensive and you will sometimes not fulfill them because you just HAVE to go with your circle's flow!

Here are some things you can do: you can budget wisely and choose to do measures that will allow you to save such as bringing baon or setting a spending limit daily and putting aside a portion of your allowance in your savings. Or you can just admit to yourself that you just can't level yourself with who you hang out with. In college, I bring baon and I admit to people I hang out with that I can't eat out with them because I have to spend on other things or I have to spend the whole day out of the house. Maybe they won't find it cool but real friends understand your plight!

There is nothing to be ashamed of for me in buying P25, buy 1 take 1 burgers for my baon or bringing a can of something with packed rice. Or when I try to find the latest trends in the ukays instead of shopping in the mall (which I can't afford to do regularly back in college) or commuting when a number of people I'm friends with have never rode the train nor jeep. But I do know how to allocate my money on hangouts or nightouts with friends or on expensive projects for school.

Funny story about my grad photos and yearbook is I only got them after a year since I graduated because I could only afford the down payment option of it when I was an undergrad. I only paid the rest when I started working lol

4. Have a good relationship with your profs 

I will tell you how important it is to always stay civil and on the good side of your profs always. I'm not saying you should kiss their asses but definitely you should never outright disrespect them. Sure there are just some who are absolutely unreasonable and are definitely worth reporting the administration about if they are just that difficult or doing what's beyond their duties already but I have seen classmates before who just simply enter late on purpose or make faces when the professors scold them or don't apologize for anything at all. First few weeks of the semester and you should already learn that staying humble and following their class rules will spare you from inconvenience of experiencing wrath in the future.

But what if the prof just really is so difficult? Then just do the best you can do in class. You can also ask upperclassmen who have experienced the same as you for tips on how they survived.

Someday, especially when you pursue the field you want after you graduate, you might tap them for help. Or maybe you need an endorsement letter for graduate studies. It's good to have a professor you not only trust and sincerely admire as an educator but someone who can see the best in you especially when you can respect their authority when you were still a student.


5. JOIN ORGS!!!!!!

I can't stress this enough! Join organizations that embody either your personal interests or your program! And if you can, join as much as you can handle. You can choose to be active and hang out with your orgmates so you have more friends to hang out with. Also, the importance of orgs is also the guidance you get especially if you're an officer or part of their executive board. In DLSU, organizing org events is a headache but it taught me responsibility and also gave me an insight to how red tape works (Yes, our school isn't as chill when it comes to organizing events. There are guidelines to follow and documents to submit before and after the event, from financial statements to activity proper--you name it!).

I joined a writing org which held a songwriting seminar (which I also helped in organizing since) that featured Rico Blanco and Raymund Marasigan (FANGIRLING AS IN THIS DAY)

Joining orgs will also open experiences that will be beyond your comfort zone yet useful to who you are growing into as a person. It could teach you about leadership and about serving not only your fellow students but also the country. You can join your school's political parties or advocacy organizations such as Gabriela and Anakbayan or your college's fraternities and sororities. Just remember that as with all these organizations I mentioned, join because you are sincerely interested and feel it will help you grow and not because it is out of peer pressure.

One of my favorite team buildings with my orgmates in the Lasallian Scholar Society

6. Take any great opportunity when it's offered to you!

College offers some random opportunity just waiting to be accepted. Maybe that opportunity is for you to run for student council or maybe join that pageant or seeing an opening for a get-together of people the same fandom as you! Opportunity is everywhere and you should be brave enough to take it especially when it's offered to you. Just remember to not mistake opportunities that you know will improve you whether in ways related to your program or future profession or not as "opportunities" you just feel you're pressured to accept and eventually regret big time such as questionable investments and business start ups (pyramid scheming seems to be common) or you choose to run for student government because you're popular or want to gain traction when you can't even serve the student body.

One of the opportunities I had in college was assistant vice president and then acting vice president for research in one of my organizations. This is one of the events my team organized which involved mangrove planting and snorkeling.

Some opportunities are big and life-changing while others are small and unassuming but nevertheless, both are still experiences! I guess some opportunities I was proud to take was assisting amazing professors in the linguistics field. I also considered taking a seminar that was assigned to my block for grade credit but no one seemed interested in as another unexpected opportunity: a story telling seminar for kids organized by UP!

Yes, I was that non-Iska who took a picture in the famous EDUK letters in Benitez Hall! I was the only person brave enough in my block to go to the seminar, which I had tons of fun in and actually still use those storytelling strategies in teaching both kids and highschool

7. Make friendships that count!

In highschool, I never really had super close friends in my school because I was heavily bullied and felt people enabled that environment. I vowed in college, I will make so much friends and have lots of them. During the first day of freshmen orientation, I ended up being everyone's first friend in the university because I would just introduce myself and talk. It's important to keep friendships! Sure, as you get older and I experienced firsthand that a lot of my friendships in college are not there anymore as I decided to spread my wings in the real world but at least in those moments, I felt the friendship mattered.

In college, friends come and go. Maybe you will make enemies or your bestfriend one day will be a total stranger the next. But do open yourself enough to the possibility that some of the friends you keep for a lifetime are there. Maybe you did't feel the need because you already had longtime friends prior to entering college but it's nice to also have solid ones out of your usual group. Real friends will stick by you through thick and thin and at the same time, also allow you to grow during and after college.

Just some of my college friends I consider my rock

It's definitely cool to have lots of friends but having a solid group of friends from college who are experiencing what you're experiencing, whether the group is big or small, is something you should keep. They could be your blockmates, your orgmates, or maybe a mix of different personalities from all corners of the university (or out!). Solid friends are timeless and I'm absolutely grateful for mine because I moved with different circles and had lots of friends in college since I liked going out but in the end, I ended up maturing and wanting much more structured goals in life when they don't seem to understand why I can't be as reckless anymore(Another thing you should expect: not all friendships break off because of arguments. People just simply drift away as we grow older). My solid group has been there for me through my freshman days, hardcore partying days, depressive dark days, and then even until now during my more calmer adult days.


8. LANDI RESPONSIBLY!!!!!!

I seriously do hate them because I don't get fooled by them and neither should you

OF COURSE, I WON'T LEAVE THIS OUT!

As much as your parents want that you don't, a number of you will probably date around, meet people you like, and eventually fall in love. I know some of you are either looking for something fun and temporary or real and longterm. I was in those shoes once, too! I say go ahead and get to know someone and see wherever it leads! If you want to date every fish in the sea, go for it. If you want to wait for the right one, that's okay too. Just remember that your love--or landi--life is not the sole purpose of why you are in college. You''re there for yourself. If you feel heartbroken, be with your friends and cry your heart out! But don't allow yourself to wallow in pain to the point that your performance in school ends up going poorly.

Believe me, I've heard the horror stories of how one will just allow themselves to skip classes and fail school because of heartache. School may not be the number one thing you will think about when you deal with heartache but remember that even if you feel you don't have motivation, you still have the capability anyway so don't make excuses to stop doing the best for you the way he/she did to you!

When my college sweetheart and first love broke off with me, I cried my heart out and even called in sick for the first time in my whole college life the next day because I got so weak but the day after that sick leave, I went to school in all black, wearing a little black dress; wore my face with full makeup (Which I rarely did in college compared to now); strutted a weird way with sunglasses; and FAKED POWER. Even if I still wanted to curl up and cry, choose to go on with your life for yourself and accept some people don't stay forever! I think accepting how a guy I once thought I'd spend the rest of my life with won't be in my future is one of the strongest things I did.

But if you're up for only a fling or even (*makes sign of the cross*) casual hookups, I won't stop you. Just remember, make sure the other person who you have it with understands the terms between you both (that in the end, one of you won't get hurt lol) and be mature and speak up about it if it leads to something you don't want it to be. Also, use protection please!

But if you're in a happy relationship, always remember that it should not distract you from your priorities. In fact, a happy relationship is also a healthy one that will still allow you to grow and learn by yourself in your own challenges in college.



9. Discover yourself ❤

Cheesy as it sounds but college is a time you have to find who YOU really are and how you can empower that during your whole university stay. Maybe you have goals in mind which you can start working on to see if it's meant for you in the long-run. Maybe you will discover a passion that will change your life forever and be a game changer for you. Maybe you discover your program is meant for you or isn't for you at all. This is the time you get to shape-shift yourself to the true being you're meant to be while using the lessons only college can provide you. Sometimes, you don't need those four years to accomplish who you really want to be because maybe there are things standing in your way, such as your parents or maybe a scholarship. At least when you know what is meant for you, you're only left to decide to push through with it once you get out to the real world after you leave university.

One of the things I discovered in college is how much I respected and adored teaching. I know I chose this course. I know the idea of teaching is interesting for me but I have never seen myself being much more than that until I started actually teaching and studying to be a teacher. I also fell more in love with writing and reading. I think it's realizing other things I also wanted besides my passion for teaching that made me fearless to pursue writing after college even if I had no solid campus journalism experience with a school paper in my time at DLSU.

One of the valuable lessons I learned is also loving the country more. I had a brilliant prof who ignited the nationalism I already had in me so when I left DLSU, I was adamant to make a difference here than leave the country as I planned originally.

This young girl here, although she knows she is determined to go after goals she wants to achieve and is vivacious enough to have a lot of friends, hasn't really left her shell totally. And when I mean shell, not that she isn't confident but she hasn't reached the point where she feels she is most herself.

I cannot guarantee that your college life now as an innocent freshman until your last undergrad moments before getting your diploma will be smooth-sailing. I have to admit that a lot of the advice I'm giving comes from mistakes I've done myself or observed from others. I cannot promise that everything will be pure joy. There will be a lot of growing pains, a lot of tears, and a ton of moments where you feel you just want to give up but you're never placed in a challenge you can't handle. ❤

I hold the key to the my own heart's doors

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."

So goes a famous saying by the author of one of my favorite books (The Picture of Dorian Gray), Oscar Wilde.

I have written a few times on my singleness in my blog through the years. (One in 2018, one in 2019), and it made me think twice on writing another one for fear it might be the same thing. However, with each age reached and each year that passes by comes different outlooks on how I view being with myself. Also, this 2020, it also forced me to face some issues maybe I should have addressed sooner before diving into a relationship. I was also faced with some challenges, which included going back with a true love or to move on with someone who seemed promising.

However, neither happened. I still went back to myself.

Like with both 2018 and 2019 entries, I definitely had no shortage of people around me who expressed pity that in my mid-20s, I'm single and not actively dating. I haven't had a relationship since early 2017 and anyone in my place can look at it in two ways: there's an urgency to get back to dating so I can have a relationship again or I can just vibe with the waves of singlehood the longer I experience it.

It went to the point of "Holy crap, I'm 25! Should I be with someone by now?". Single and 23 go together like lemon and tequila; single at 24 is acceptable and understood; but still single when I'm 25? I surely hear people telling me I should be with my future husband by now.

And now, it's almost 4 years since I last had a boyfriend. People who know this fact wonder if there's something wrong with me or where I look. But I'm not exactly one to share love stories unless I'm close to people.

My last boyfriend told me after we broke off that it won't be hard for me to find someone. I guess he's right but here I am over three years later, still single and not because he's wrong. It's one thing when I face the world of dating and not having to worry with who to date (because to be honest, for someone who doesn't try, I did date a number throughout this period of singlehood) but it's another thing to take it to another step.

I guess it's just at big moments in my life, it's always an "almost" for love: like literally one step away from having a boyfriend but here is me looking the other way and chasing other big things instead. I recall back when I was about to graduate college two years ago, I did get to know a guy and he was alright--although back then I really liked him and was really ready for him. But I found myself much more blinded by the fact that I'm graduating and I'm starting this new phase in life; I can't have anything back me down. The more I was applying to work and discovering the real world, I only thought what if I'll discover something or someone better?

A little while back, a former lover from years ago came back to my life, my first love. He's a boy I loved during those times I wasn't sure with what I wanted to do with my life during my first year of college but I knew I wanted to marry him. And we appeared before each other again years later, more mature and with much structured goals. With a wistful look on his face one night, he asked if I can run away with him to some place far away. (To make the point blunt than romantic: he asked me to migrate with him)

My life is right here in the Philippines. And I've changed; all my aspirations from 5 years ago are not the same. I have not totally ruled out the possibility of getting married someday but I've grown much more than the girl who only wanted to grow old and have a family with her (former) dream guy.

So yes, to those nosy old people who say I should be married by now, tada! I could have had a lifelong partner if I wanted to! But let's just say, I feel like I can't be backed down just yet.

I'll choose to love myself first and I have been doing so.

I'm not saying loving someone drags people down because in my past experiences with having a boyfriend, I never felt I was less of a person and I never felt I functioned less efficiently. But I just loved the feeling the past few years, while sprinkled with the occasional romance, was just me growing independently and honing my craft. I didn't need to feel I had to hunt someone to love in order to feel whole: I just had to fight for my place in this industry I'm in which I still continue to this day.

However I do recognize some factors keeping me from finally settling down.

I found myself fighting some old demons during the almost 4 years of singlehood, the same ones I learned later on that kept me from trusting those who presented their hearts to me as they professed their love. I realize the 2019-2020 Gillian who was much more open to the idea of being in a relationship especially with the last guy I dated earlier this year was no different from the 2017 Gillian who doubted every person who tried to court her(heck, even shouted!).

How can someone who absolutely "loved" herself just antagonize herself for some awful experiences she had in the past? Maybe I didn't love myself at all because to love is to give that fully--nothing less and with no excuses.

The lockdown allowed me to work on that, as I fully detailed in this post from May, and when I felt I've finally come into terms with it, I found myself slowly letting go of that feeling of antagonizing myself. However, I did it for myself. Not for the past guy nor for the future one.

For almost four years, you can say I chose myself instead of settling down with whom I think is tolerable or okay for my next relationship. But the past four months? I learned choosing myself is not always equated to loving myself most of the time. At the end of the day, even if I do everything to improve who I am in my profession or what I am to other people, there's this one part of me that I will hate and it has that ripple effect to how I see myself.

Even if I open my doors to lovely and dashing ones after my heart, it all comes down to my choice and the current circumstance. I would think: will the next time I finally find myself in love again, I'll settle down for good? Or will I be distracted over a much bigger goal and find myself chasing it like a kid running after a stringed balloon flying away from her palms?

Or what if, I'll finally choose to do both? To be who I want to be AND be with who I want.

I know time will tell...and I know it will happen eventually. I'm just not a damsel waiting for her knight. I AM MY OWN KNIGHT.

All I know is right now, I'm finally in love with myself--more than ever today and less than I will tomorrow and the days to come. That's the only romance I will be investing on now and forever.

Throwback 2015 after an actual teaching demo!

And yes, I meant to say "Lit" twice lol

Anyways, I love English. I love Linguistics and all that jazz, but I love LOVE Literature. Because of my degree, I tend to be much more accustomed to teaching, well, literature rather than writing literature (But of course, I've done it countless of times).

That's Lit 👏

Anyhow, I think it is a cool thing to write about what my future students will expect me to give them as readings--if everything I'll give them calls to be read, that is. Now, here are some lessons you might expect--and hopefully whatever institution will permit me to use--if you are going to be a future student of mine.


For Magic Realism: "The Iceman" by Haruki Murakami (Read Here)

Back when I was Frosh, I read this for my HUMALIT class. This was also one of the pieces used when the discussion was about Magic Realism. Besides the fact that this is probably one of my favorite works of Murakami, it is also the best example to introduce students to Magic Realism, a type of genre that is technically new but somewhat still hard to define not unless you read texts that are in this genre. Confusing, I know!

"The Iceman" talks about lady who marries an actual iceman, complete with frost and all.

One fond memory on this: I actually once reported about this short story in my LITEACH class. I recall the topic being about what literature would I want to teach to my future class someday and I spoke about this.

For Concrete Poetry: 40-Love by Roger McGough

Concrete poetry, or known as shape poetry, can be taught to any age. Look online for shape poems and you see shapes fit for the kids: dolphins, pandas, stars, etc. But if you're in MY class, expect that we go the more analytical and mature. First person that comes to mind when we talk about this is EE Cummings. Expect him to make an appearance or two in my class but for now, I'll settle with this one by Roger McGough which is my fave concrete poem to date.

Fun fact: I learned this poem not through any literature class of mine but through my Stylistics course. Stylistics is one of my--if not my top--fave fields in Linguistics because so much of it can be applied in analyzing literature. Just look at this piece: why is there a space between? Why are some of the words here separated that way? How exactly do you read this? We'll analyze this soon!

For Feminism: "The Summer Solstice" by Nick Joaquin (Read Here)

The feminism part of this story is very much debatable but the obvious binary can be found in this Nick Joaquin classic short. I've actually taught this story before once when I used to work briefly for a tutorial center and regardless of major, I believe everyone should learn this. It gives an insight on Filipino society back then such as how a patriarchal society frowned upon a pagan fertility festival and how the women eventually stood up. It's also said to be Nick Joaquin's favorite!

I do imagine myself holding a debate over this in class! What makes it feminist? What makes it not?


For Science Fiction: "The Nine  Billion Names of God" by Arthur C. Clarke (Read Here)

Science fiction need not to be a long and complicated novel unless we're given a separate class for the whole semester or term to finish the book! I chose this Arthur Clarke piece because it's an easy read yet still gives the usual air of mystery and also allows the student to question what actually DID happen toward the end. The story begins when a Tibetan monastery sought the help of technology to speed up their centuries-long activity of writing all possible names of God. What happens when they finally do?

It's a short read and it's the kind of read where I can imagine interacting with the class and asking them their thoughts on these types of rituals (they're actually real!) and if the end actually was expected from finishing performing that particular ritual.


For Filipino Lit: Tong by F. Sionil Jose (Read here)

I feel like no Literature syllabus will be complete with at least one reading by F. Sionil Jose. He's quite the controversial figure but some of his stories for me are actually great. My favorite story of his is actually "The Wall Between Us" which I can't find online and I have only read it in a short story anthology in the school library (It's such an underrated piece because it shows the wit and humor of Mr. Jose and it's really such a simple story between two brothers. Nothing bongga or anything).

Anyways, with "Tong", I'd like to teach this because I know many are familiar with the "Great Wall" aka that forbidden love between a Chinese and a Filipino. I love how this was illustrated well here in the story and of course, it has such a sad ending. Something to tug the emotions of my future pupils.


For a novel meant as a semester or term-long reading: "A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers "by Xiaolu Guo

This is one of my favorite books and I first read it for my African-Asian Literature class. I will tell you that I easily finished this book then and it won't take months to finish because the story is absolutely lovely. It's  about a Chinese girl's journey to learning English. My students will see as they progress with each chapter, it's not only her English skills that change. (Also, this is where POST-COLONIALISM came in when I first learned this book for class aka that dreaded familiar term English majors know lol)

I've always been grateful for my professor who introduced this to me because it's really a great novel with equal parts comedy, romance, and drama--and pretty much some slice of life moments. I'd love for my students not only to learn about the story but also identify and personalize themselves with every experience told by the heroine in the book. Trust me, you'll relate.


For the sake of it: "Love Team" by The Itchyworms 

Analyzing pop music in a class is nothing new: ask some Atenean students about a certain literature professor who analyzed Lady Gaga songs in class!

But, besides the fact I'm a huge fan of The Itchyworms, why did I choose this song? When there are probably other OPM songs with much more obscure lyrics with seemingly hidden messages? (Like a number of Eraserheads songs). I guess like the earlier pieces I mentioned here, I do want to talk about Filipino culture and what is more close to the Pinoy than the quintessential love team millions cement their hearts on? Besides the culture reference, it's also a great song to cross analyze its lyrics. I don't really believe in finding excessive symbolism especially when something is quite straight to the point (Because the lyrics do speak about an actor falling for his love team. Wow. Very new[sorry for the sarcasm]). What I do like talking about is how one thing also means another or can be portrayed in a different context.




Anyway, these are SOME pieces you'd expect in my class. Yes, this is not all! I can't show all my cards, right? Hehe. See you soon in class!