Surely...Maybe...Not Quite
September 16, 2020 |
| The eyes and smile don't lie but so does acceptance of how things didn't fall the way we planned years before. |
Hey guys!
Quarantine has made me go through heavy cleaning in lots of my writing drafts. Here's one though I've written more than a year ago since a theme I'm noticing now during quarantine is how people are coming back with their exes! So here's a post I forgot I've written about.
Did I lure in to the bait of what is comfortable and familiar? (Spoiler alert: EWWW NEVERRR)
I wrote this last year after I went to the same places with someone I once loved which became a walk in memory lane, recalling paintings we kissed to and stone benches we sat in and even seeing a young couple that reminded me of me and him years back. It's actually originally titled "Surely...Maybe..." but I added the"Not Quite" because some time after writing this, I already closed the book to this re-opened tale.
It took me now to publish this because even if memories hold a special association to my dear Manila, I know so much time and maturity intervened to see the city differently. Maybe I understood why people miss old loves during quarantine but on my end, I stood up strong because I never went back to it. Not that it's wrong for people to do so, but the what if's aren't strong if you remember always the better things that came along once you lost something. :)
Surely...Maybe...
7/31/19
With your hand in mine, it felt like the time when things were still rosy just never went away. It felt the same yet different. It felt the same because feelings from when we were two young kids in love still remained. It felt different because, obviously, we're not those fresh faces anymore.
In between long glances and holding hands were awkward laughter, tense silence, eyes darting away. Despite the enormous residue left from young love, it seems we're both wondering how it's possible there's something burning between us even if we knew--or thought I did--things were long over.
I can only wish that the warmth of your hands will assure me of something that will last this time but I know, these were the same hands that let go of that possibility. What else will guarantee that another shot at this will finally be for the best? And last?
Sometimes, I find myself wishing I could be stuck in this light, fleeting feeling whenever I'm with you. Because I've always been rough around the edges. I'm too tough for guys to win over. It was only you so far who made me fall madly in love this way, made me as soft and loving.
And yet, here I am right now, much older and wiser knowing that even if there would be a chance to be with you again, this is not what I would want anymore.
So thank you. Thank you for this sorta preview of how things could have been. Maybe the chance came a little too late, but I never believed in bad timing and we obviously don't stand a chance, am I right? I just believe that even if I will always love you, I will not choose you today nor tomorrow--just like how you didn't choose me in the past.
Things turned out for the best. I look at you and even if you were once everything I wanted and the only person I'd spend my future with, this thought was long up in the ashes now. I know someone out there will fill that figure of the very girl who will spend the rest of her life as your partner but I know, I won't be that girl. Just like how I already accepted that even if I once wanted to grow old with you, you chose not to make it with me.
I can only wish that the warmth of your hands will assure me of something that will last this time but I know, these were the same hands that let go of that possibility. What else will guarantee that another shot at this will finally be for the best? And last?
Sometimes, I find myself wishing I could be stuck in this light, fleeting feeling whenever I'm with you. Because I've always been rough around the edges. I'm too tough for guys to win over. It was only you so far who made me fall madly in love this way, made me as soft and loving.
And yet, here I am right now, much older and wiser knowing that even if there would be a chance to be with you again, this is not what I would want anymore.
So thank you. Thank you for this sorta preview of how things could have been. Maybe the chance came a little too late, but I never believed in bad timing and we obviously don't stand a chance, am I right? I just believe that even if I will always love you, I will not choose you today nor tomorrow--just like how you didn't choose me in the past.
Things turned out for the best. I look at you and even if you were once everything I wanted and the only person I'd spend my future with, this thought was long up in the ashes now. I know someone out there will fill that figure of the very girl who will spend the rest of her life as your partner but I know, I won't be that girl. Just like how I already accepted that even if I once wanted to grow old with you, you chose not to make it with me.
A little part of me wishes you don't let go of my hand as you look at me but I know, I do not want you nor do you want me. We're only curious of what things could have been, if one just didn't give up or if one just held on tighter. Maybe the love never went away but that's never a reason to stay.
I will never quite erase whatever I feel for you then and at this very moment but hear me out when I say that I don't want anything more. I am satisfied rereading this old chapter of young love now that we're both older, but please understand that I will never want to continue this writing. Surely our ending didn't have to include us both together but that once sad end of us drifting apart gave way to my own emancipation as I surged into the woman I am today.
We will laugh off today's accidental reincarnation of our past affair but later, we will go back to the lives we already lived without each other. I'll take one last look at you, sigh wistfully and go back merrily to the life I developed long after your disappearance. Happier, more progressive...with a much greater love from someone else in store.
I will never quite erase whatever I feel for you then and at this very moment but hear me out when I say that I don't want anything more. I am satisfied rereading this old chapter of young love now that we're both older, but please understand that I will never want to continue this writing. Surely our ending didn't have to include us both together but that once sad end of us drifting apart gave way to my own emancipation as I surged into the woman I am today.
We will laugh off today's accidental reincarnation of our past affair but later, we will go back to the lives we already lived without each other. I'll take one last look at you, sigh wistfully and go back merrily to the life I developed long after your disappearance. Happier, more progressive...with a much greater love from someone else in store.
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