I hold the key to the my own heart's doors

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."

So goes a famous saying by the author of one of my favorite books (The Picture of Dorian Gray), Oscar Wilde.

I have written a few times on my singleness in my blog through the years. (One in 2018, one in 2019), and it made me think twice on writing another one for fear it might be the same thing. However, with each age reached and each year that passes by comes different outlooks on how I view being with myself. Also, this 2020, it also forced me to face some issues maybe I should have addressed sooner before diving into a relationship. I was also faced with some challenges, which included going back with a true love or to move on with someone who seemed promising.

However, neither happened. I still went back to myself.

Like with both 2018 and 2019 entries, I definitely had no shortage of people around me who expressed pity that in my mid-20s, I'm single and not actively dating. I haven't had a relationship since early 2017 and anyone in my place can look at it in two ways: there's an urgency to get back to dating so I can have a relationship again or I can just vibe with the waves of singlehood the longer I experience it.

It went to the point of "Holy crap, I'm 25! Should I be with someone by now?". Single and 23 go together like lemon and tequila; single at 24 is acceptable and understood; but still single when I'm 25? I surely hear people telling me I should be with my future husband by now.

And now, it's almost 4 years since I last had a boyfriend. People who know this fact wonder if there's something wrong with me or where I look. But I'm not exactly one to share love stories unless I'm close to people.

My last boyfriend told me after we broke off that it won't be hard for me to find someone. I guess he's right but here I am over three years later, still single and not because he's wrong. It's one thing when I face the world of dating and not having to worry with who to date (because to be honest, for someone who doesn't try, I did date a number throughout this period of singlehood) but it's another thing to take it to another step.

I guess it's just at big moments in my life, it's always an "almost" for love: like literally one step away from having a boyfriend but here is me looking the other way and chasing other big things instead. I recall back when I was about to graduate college two years ago, I did get to know a guy and he was alright--although back then I really liked him and was really ready for him. But I found myself much more blinded by the fact that I'm graduating and I'm starting this new phase in life; I can't have anything back me down. The more I was applying to work and discovering the real world, I only thought what if I'll discover something or someone better?

A little while back, a former lover from years ago came back to my life, my first love. He's a boy I loved during those times I wasn't sure with what I wanted to do with my life during my first year of college but I knew I wanted to marry him. And we appeared before each other again years later, more mature and with much structured goals. With a wistful look on his face one night, he asked if I can run away with him to some place far away. (To make the point blunt than romantic: he asked me to migrate with him)

My life is right here in the Philippines. And I've changed; all my aspirations from 5 years ago are not the same. I have not totally ruled out the possibility of getting married someday but I've grown much more than the girl who only wanted to grow old and have a family with her (former) dream guy.

So yes, to those nosy old people who say I should be married by now, tada! I could have had a lifelong partner if I wanted to! But let's just say, I feel like I can't be backed down just yet.

I'll choose to love myself first and I have been doing so.

I'm not saying loving someone drags people down because in my past experiences with having a boyfriend, I never felt I was less of a person and I never felt I functioned less efficiently. But I just loved the feeling the past few years, while sprinkled with the occasional romance, was just me growing independently and honing my craft. I didn't need to feel I had to hunt someone to love in order to feel whole: I just had to fight for my place in this industry I'm in which I still continue to this day.

However I do recognize some factors keeping me from finally settling down.

I found myself fighting some old demons during the almost 4 years of singlehood, the same ones I learned later on that kept me from trusting those who presented their hearts to me as they professed their love. I realize the 2019-2020 Gillian who was much more open to the idea of being in a relationship especially with the last guy I dated earlier this year was no different from the 2017 Gillian who doubted every person who tried to court her(heck, even shouted!).

How can someone who absolutely "loved" herself just antagonize herself for some awful experiences she had in the past? Maybe I didn't love myself at all because to love is to give that fully--nothing less and with no excuses.

The lockdown allowed me to work on that, as I fully detailed in this post from May, and when I felt I've finally come into terms with it, I found myself slowly letting go of that feeling of antagonizing myself. However, I did it for myself. Not for the past guy nor for the future one.

For almost four years, you can say I chose myself instead of settling down with whom I think is tolerable or okay for my next relationship. But the past four months? I learned choosing myself is not always equated to loving myself most of the time. At the end of the day, even if I do everything to improve who I am in my profession or what I am to other people, there's this one part of me that I will hate and it has that ripple effect to how I see myself.

Even if I open my doors to lovely and dashing ones after my heart, it all comes down to my choice and the current circumstance. I would think: will the next time I finally find myself in love again, I'll settle down for good? Or will I be distracted over a much bigger goal and find myself chasing it like a kid running after a stringed balloon flying away from her palms?

Or what if, I'll finally choose to do both? To be who I want to be AND be with who I want.

I know time will tell...and I know it will happen eventually. I'm just not a damsel waiting for her knight. I AM MY OWN KNIGHT.

All I know is right now, I'm finally in love with myself--more than ever today and less than I will tomorrow and the days to come. That's the only romance I will be investing on now and forever.