A Gill and A Way

College! How time flies since I first entered university six years ago(!!!) and exited a little over two years ago.

I feel inspired to write this because a lot of my former students are freshmen college this school year. And I keep telling them it's a whole different ball park! Although we have the COVID-19 pandemic which unfortunately is stealing away the valuable experiences all freshmen out there should be experiencing moments during the first time they set foot in university, I just want to create this guide for when all this is over. I feel positive, despite the pessimistic outlook this virus is giving globally, that someday there will be a time that moments lost will be made up for.

In this country, everyone seems so obsessed with university ranks and how they equate to a real college experience. Regardless of your university's ranking, your college life and how you breeze through it is not dependent on that. It's how YOU take the wheel because they're not kidding when they say while college is a time to enjoy before you face the real world, it's still crucial preparation for the real world.


1. Take your studies seriously!

First day of classes in DLSU back in May 2014!

I think we've all been told this in different wordings possible: college is NOT cheap so study hard. And looking back, I totally agree! I know it sounds corny but one of the reasons I really tried to strive in my academics in college was because of my Dad since he was the one who really worked to raise my siblings and I and I definitely grew up seeing that struggle. Not all kids appreciate their parents' efforts but in college, it's about time you do and you should do that by studying! It makes spending on the education worthy for your parents AND yourself which I will explain a little further later.

Why study hard? Because if you plan to apply for work after graduating, one of the requirements is your TRANSCRIPT OF RECORDS! This is where your grades during your whole stay in college will be stated. While some employers just accept the transcript as proof you actually graduated college, some industries really do take a look at your grades! I will never forget that time I was once asked during a job interview why I had a grade of 0 in a crucial English class. (However, I was able to retake the subject and get a perfect grade which in my school's grading system was able to remove the 0 grade in other records but since this is a transcript of each step I had in college, it will remain there).

I feel like this is also the time to practice discipline for adulting and having a good study routine is one way to start!

Also, were you also the type who did mediocre or even failed in highschool but dream of that laude? College is definitely a chance for redemption but only if you work hard! I had a friend who was running for summa and is brilliant in his economics program but he would tell me how in highschool, he often failed math subjects! I also know someone who had to take a reconsideration exam to get into DLSU but studied hard during his stay and graduated with a latin honor. It's possible, guys!

2. But remember this is a time to have a little fun and to experiment!

Attend parties if there are, go out with your friends once in a while after finishing your school requirements (but I know you'll experience a few times in your college life that you will be wasted or choose to party over doing school work BUT PLEASE BE RESPONSIBLE), and take all the memorable trips you can with them if you can! Friends you have in college could be the friends you have in your lifetime so try to make it as memorable with them as you can! Something as simple as having dinner together in a fastfood joint or having a bottle of beer when the school week ends counts, too!

I've definitely had those fun nights in the bars and clubs

Also, since probably you don't have the same constraints as you experienced during your highschool years, this is time also to go out but be wise about it! You have to always keep aware of your surroundings and also tell a loved one where you are at all times! Safety first !

Having fun doesn't just mean partying or hanging out with friends. College is the best time to discover what you like. Maybe your school will offer classes for painting or will have movie nights free for students. Or if your school has those yearly school fairs and concerts, attend! Even if it gets so hot and crowded--even only once just for the experience.

Also remember to decide wisely when having fun. It's easy to be carried away because you're young and you're still learning but remember the precautions always and always remember the consequences.

And when I say experiment, now is the best time also! Unless your school has a strict dress code, you can experiment with fashion and your beauty look! I definitely took a risk before from dying my hair blond to wearing miniskirts to wearing wild colored lipsticks!

Yes, I used to be a blonde. Dyed it ash and blue once, too!

3. Spend within your means and your priorities!!!

It only takes milktea to be happy!!!

In college, it's unavoidable that you'll meet people you love hanging out with but sometimes, you will find yourself spending more to keep up. Or school requirements are just so expensive and you will sometimes not fulfill them because you just HAVE to go with your circle's flow!

Here are some things you can do: you can budget wisely and choose to do measures that will allow you to save such as bringing baon or setting a spending limit daily and putting aside a portion of your allowance in your savings. Or you can just admit to yourself that you just can't level yourself with who you hang out with. In college, I bring baon and I admit to people I hang out with that I can't eat out with them because I have to spend on other things or I have to spend the whole day out of the house. Maybe they won't find it cool but real friends understand your plight!

There is nothing to be ashamed of for me in buying P25, buy 1 take 1 burgers for my baon or bringing a can of something with packed rice. Or when I try to find the latest trends in the ukays instead of shopping in the mall (which I can't afford to do regularly back in college) or commuting when a number of people I'm friends with have never rode the train nor jeep. But I do know how to allocate my money on hangouts or nightouts with friends or on expensive projects for school.

Funny story about my grad photos and yearbook is I only got them after a year since I graduated because I could only afford the down payment option of it when I was an undergrad. I only paid the rest when I started working lol

4. Have a good relationship with your profs 

I will tell you how important it is to always stay civil and on the good side of your profs always. I'm not saying you should kiss their asses but definitely you should never outright disrespect them. Sure there are just some who are absolutely unreasonable and are definitely worth reporting the administration about if they are just that difficult or doing what's beyond their duties already but I have seen classmates before who just simply enter late on purpose or make faces when the professors scold them or don't apologize for anything at all. First few weeks of the semester and you should already learn that staying humble and following their class rules will spare you from inconvenience of experiencing wrath in the future.

But what if the prof just really is so difficult? Then just do the best you can do in class. You can also ask upperclassmen who have experienced the same as you for tips on how they survived.

Someday, especially when you pursue the field you want after you graduate, you might tap them for help. Or maybe you need an endorsement letter for graduate studies. It's good to have a professor you not only trust and sincerely admire as an educator but someone who can see the best in you especially when you can respect their authority when you were still a student.


5. JOIN ORGS!!!!!!

I can't stress this enough! Join organizations that embody either your personal interests or your program! And if you can, join as much as you can handle. You can choose to be active and hang out with your orgmates so you have more friends to hang out with. Also, the importance of orgs is also the guidance you get especially if you're an officer or part of their executive board. In DLSU, organizing org events is a headache but it taught me responsibility and also gave me an insight to how red tape works (Yes, our school isn't as chill when it comes to organizing events. There are guidelines to follow and documents to submit before and after the event, from financial statements to activity proper--you name it!).

I joined a writing org which held a songwriting seminar (which I also helped in organizing since) that featured Rico Blanco and Raymund Marasigan (FANGIRLING AS IN THIS DAY)

Joining orgs will also open experiences that will be beyond your comfort zone yet useful to who you are growing into as a person. It could teach you about leadership and about serving not only your fellow students but also the country. You can join your school's political parties or advocacy organizations such as Gabriela and Anakbayan or your college's fraternities and sororities. Just remember that as with all these organizations I mentioned, join because you are sincerely interested and feel it will help you grow and not because it is out of peer pressure.

One of my favorite team buildings with my orgmates in the Lasallian Scholar Society

6. Take any great opportunity when it's offered to you!

College offers some random opportunity just waiting to be accepted. Maybe that opportunity is for you to run for student council or maybe join that pageant or seeing an opening for a get-together of people the same fandom as you! Opportunity is everywhere and you should be brave enough to take it especially when it's offered to you. Just remember to not mistake opportunities that you know will improve you whether in ways related to your program or future profession or not as "opportunities" you just feel you're pressured to accept and eventually regret big time such as questionable investments and business start ups (pyramid scheming seems to be common) or you choose to run for student government because you're popular or want to gain traction when you can't even serve the student body.

One of the opportunities I had in college was assistant vice president and then acting vice president for research in one of my organizations. This is one of the events my team organized which involved mangrove planting and snorkeling.

Some opportunities are big and life-changing while others are small and unassuming but nevertheless, both are still experiences! I guess some opportunities I was proud to take was assisting amazing professors in the linguistics field. I also considered taking a seminar that was assigned to my block for grade credit but no one seemed interested in as another unexpected opportunity: a story telling seminar for kids organized by UP!

Yes, I was that non-Iska who took a picture in the famous EDUK letters in Benitez Hall! I was the only person brave enough in my block to go to the seminar, which I had tons of fun in and actually still use those storytelling strategies in teaching both kids and highschool

7. Make friendships that count!

In highschool, I never really had super close friends in my school because I was heavily bullied and felt people enabled that environment. I vowed in college, I will make so much friends and have lots of them. During the first day of freshmen orientation, I ended up being everyone's first friend in the university because I would just introduce myself and talk. It's important to keep friendships! Sure, as you get older and I experienced firsthand that a lot of my friendships in college are not there anymore as I decided to spread my wings in the real world but at least in those moments, I felt the friendship mattered.

In college, friends come and go. Maybe you will make enemies or your bestfriend one day will be a total stranger the next. But do open yourself enough to the possibility that some of the friends you keep for a lifetime are there. Maybe you did't feel the need because you already had longtime friends prior to entering college but it's nice to also have solid ones out of your usual group. Real friends will stick by you through thick and thin and at the same time, also allow you to grow during and after college.

Just some of my college friends I consider my rock

It's definitely cool to have lots of friends but having a solid group of friends from college who are experiencing what you're experiencing, whether the group is big or small, is something you should keep. They could be your blockmates, your orgmates, or maybe a mix of different personalities from all corners of the university (or out!). Solid friends are timeless and I'm absolutely grateful for mine because I moved with different circles and had lots of friends in college since I liked going out but in the end, I ended up maturing and wanting much more structured goals in life when they don't seem to understand why I can't be as reckless anymore(Another thing you should expect: not all friendships break off because of arguments. People just simply drift away as we grow older). My solid group has been there for me through my freshman days, hardcore partying days, depressive dark days, and then even until now during my more calmer adult days.


8. LANDI RESPONSIBLY!!!!!!

I seriously do hate them because I don't get fooled by them and neither should you

OF COURSE, I WON'T LEAVE THIS OUT!

As much as your parents want that you don't, a number of you will probably date around, meet people you like, and eventually fall in love. I know some of you are either looking for something fun and temporary or real and longterm. I was in those shoes once, too! I say go ahead and get to know someone and see wherever it leads! If you want to date every fish in the sea, go for it. If you want to wait for the right one, that's okay too. Just remember that your love--or landi--life is not the sole purpose of why you are in college. You''re there for yourself. If you feel heartbroken, be with your friends and cry your heart out! But don't allow yourself to wallow in pain to the point that your performance in school ends up going poorly.

Believe me, I've heard the horror stories of how one will just allow themselves to skip classes and fail school because of heartache. School may not be the number one thing you will think about when you deal with heartache but remember that even if you feel you don't have motivation, you still have the capability anyway so don't make excuses to stop doing the best for you the way he/she did to you!

When my college sweetheart and first love broke off with me, I cried my heart out and even called in sick for the first time in my whole college life the next day because I got so weak but the day after that sick leave, I went to school in all black, wearing a little black dress; wore my face with full makeup (Which I rarely did in college compared to now); strutted a weird way with sunglasses; and FAKED POWER. Even if I still wanted to curl up and cry, choose to go on with your life for yourself and accept some people don't stay forever! I think accepting how a guy I once thought I'd spend the rest of my life with won't be in my future is one of the strongest things I did.

But if you're up for only a fling or even (*makes sign of the cross*) casual hookups, I won't stop you. Just remember, make sure the other person who you have it with understands the terms between you both (that in the end, one of you won't get hurt lol) and be mature and speak up about it if it leads to something you don't want it to be. Also, use protection please!

But if you're in a happy relationship, always remember that it should not distract you from your priorities. In fact, a happy relationship is also a healthy one that will still allow you to grow and learn by yourself in your own challenges in college.



9. Discover yourself ❤

Cheesy as it sounds but college is a time you have to find who YOU really are and how you can empower that during your whole university stay. Maybe you have goals in mind which you can start working on to see if it's meant for you in the long-run. Maybe you will discover a passion that will change your life forever and be a game changer for you. Maybe you discover your program is meant for you or isn't for you at all. This is the time you get to shape-shift yourself to the true being you're meant to be while using the lessons only college can provide you. Sometimes, you don't need those four years to accomplish who you really want to be because maybe there are things standing in your way, such as your parents or maybe a scholarship. At least when you know what is meant for you, you're only left to decide to push through with it once you get out to the real world after you leave university.

One of the things I discovered in college is how much I respected and adored teaching. I know I chose this course. I know the idea of teaching is interesting for me but I have never seen myself being much more than that until I started actually teaching and studying to be a teacher. I also fell more in love with writing and reading. I think it's realizing other things I also wanted besides my passion for teaching that made me fearless to pursue writing after college even if I had no solid campus journalism experience with a school paper in my time at DLSU.

One of the valuable lessons I learned is also loving the country more. I had a brilliant prof who ignited the nationalism I already had in me so when I left DLSU, I was adamant to make a difference here than leave the country as I planned originally.

This young girl here, although she knows she is determined to go after goals she wants to achieve and is vivacious enough to have a lot of friends, hasn't really left her shell totally. And when I mean shell, not that she isn't confident but she hasn't reached the point where she feels she is most herself.

I cannot guarantee that your college life now as an innocent freshman until your last undergrad moments before getting your diploma will be smooth-sailing. I have to admit that a lot of the advice I'm giving comes from mistakes I've done myself or observed from others. I cannot promise that everything will be pure joy. There will be a lot of growing pains, a lot of tears, and a ton of moments where you feel you just want to give up but you're never placed in a challenge you can't handle. ❤

I hold the key to the my own heart's doors

"To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."

So goes a famous saying by the author of one of my favorite books (The Picture of Dorian Gray), Oscar Wilde.

I have written a few times on my singleness in my blog through the years. (One in 2018, one in 2019), and it made me think twice on writing another one for fear it might be the same thing. However, with each age reached and each year that passes by comes different outlooks on how I view being with myself. Also, this 2020, it also forced me to face some issues maybe I should have addressed sooner before diving into a relationship. I was also faced with some challenges, which included going back with a true love or to move on with someone who seemed promising.

However, neither happened. I still went back to myself.

Like with both 2018 and 2019 entries, I definitely had no shortage of people around me who expressed pity that in my mid-20s, I'm single and not actively dating. I haven't had a relationship since early 2017 and anyone in my place can look at it in two ways: there's an urgency to get back to dating so I can have a relationship again or I can just vibe with the waves of singlehood the longer I experience it.

It went to the point of "Holy crap, I'm 25! Should I be with someone by now?". Single and 23 go together like lemon and tequila; single at 24 is acceptable and understood; but still single when I'm 25? I surely hear people telling me I should be with my future husband by now.

And now, it's almost 4 years since I last had a boyfriend. People who know this fact wonder if there's something wrong with me or where I look. But I'm not exactly one to share love stories unless I'm close to people.

My last boyfriend told me after we broke off that it won't be hard for me to find someone. I guess he's right but here I am over three years later, still single and not because he's wrong. It's one thing when I face the world of dating and not having to worry with who to date (because to be honest, for someone who doesn't try, I did date a number throughout this period of singlehood) but it's another thing to take it to another step.

I guess it's just at big moments in my life, it's always an "almost" for love: like literally one step away from having a boyfriend but here is me looking the other way and chasing other big things instead. I recall back when I was about to graduate college two years ago, I did get to know a guy and he was alright--although back then I really liked him and was really ready for him. But I found myself much more blinded by the fact that I'm graduating and I'm starting this new phase in life; I can't have anything back me down. The more I was applying to work and discovering the real world, I only thought what if I'll discover something or someone better?

A little while back, a former lover from years ago came back to my life, my first love. He's a boy I loved during those times I wasn't sure with what I wanted to do with my life during my first year of college but I knew I wanted to marry him. And we appeared before each other again years later, more mature and with much structured goals. With a wistful look on his face one night, he asked if I can run away with him to some place far away. (To make the point blunt than romantic: he asked me to migrate with him)

My life is right here in the Philippines. And I've changed; all my aspirations from 5 years ago are not the same. I have not totally ruled out the possibility of getting married someday but I've grown much more than the girl who only wanted to grow old and have a family with her (former) dream guy.

So yes, to those nosy old people who say I should be married by now, tada! I could have had a lifelong partner if I wanted to! But let's just say, I feel like I can't be backed down just yet.

I'll choose to love myself first and I have been doing so.

I'm not saying loving someone drags people down because in my past experiences with having a boyfriend, I never felt I was less of a person and I never felt I functioned less efficiently. But I just loved the feeling the past few years, while sprinkled with the occasional romance, was just me growing independently and honing my craft. I didn't need to feel I had to hunt someone to love in order to feel whole: I just had to fight for my place in this industry I'm in which I still continue to this day.

However I do recognize some factors keeping me from finally settling down.

I found myself fighting some old demons during the almost 4 years of singlehood, the same ones I learned later on that kept me from trusting those who presented their hearts to me as they professed their love. I realize the 2019-2020 Gillian who was much more open to the idea of being in a relationship especially with the last guy I dated earlier this year was no different from the 2017 Gillian who doubted every person who tried to court her(heck, even shouted!).

How can someone who absolutely "loved" herself just antagonize herself for some awful experiences she had in the past? Maybe I didn't love myself at all because to love is to give that fully--nothing less and with no excuses.

The lockdown allowed me to work on that, as I fully detailed in this post from May, and when I felt I've finally come into terms with it, I found myself slowly letting go of that feeling of antagonizing myself. However, I did it for myself. Not for the past guy nor for the future one.

For almost four years, you can say I chose myself instead of settling down with whom I think is tolerable or okay for my next relationship. But the past four months? I learned choosing myself is not always equated to loving myself most of the time. At the end of the day, even if I do everything to improve who I am in my profession or what I am to other people, there's this one part of me that I will hate and it has that ripple effect to how I see myself.

Even if I open my doors to lovely and dashing ones after my heart, it all comes down to my choice and the current circumstance. I would think: will the next time I finally find myself in love again, I'll settle down for good? Or will I be distracted over a much bigger goal and find myself chasing it like a kid running after a stringed balloon flying away from her palms?

Or what if, I'll finally choose to do both? To be who I want to be AND be with who I want.

I know time will tell...and I know it will happen eventually. I'm just not a damsel waiting for her knight. I AM MY OWN KNIGHT.

All I know is right now, I'm finally in love with myself--more than ever today and less than I will tomorrow and the days to come. That's the only romance I will be investing on now and forever.

Throwback 2015 after an actual teaching demo!

And yes, I meant to say "Lit" twice lol

Anyways, I love English. I love Linguistics and all that jazz, but I love LOVE Literature. Because of my degree, I tend to be much more accustomed to teaching, well, literature rather than writing literature (But of course, I've done it countless of times).

That's Lit 👏

Anyhow, I think it is a cool thing to write about what my future students will expect me to give them as readings--if everything I'll give them calls to be read, that is. Now, here are some lessons you might expect--and hopefully whatever institution will permit me to use--if you are going to be a future student of mine.


For Magic Realism: "The Iceman" by Haruki Murakami (Read Here)

Back when I was Frosh, I read this for my HUMALIT class. This was also one of the pieces used when the discussion was about Magic Realism. Besides the fact that this is probably one of my favorite works of Murakami, it is also the best example to introduce students to Magic Realism, a type of genre that is technically new but somewhat still hard to define not unless you read texts that are in this genre. Confusing, I know!

"The Iceman" talks about lady who marries an actual iceman, complete with frost and all.

One fond memory on this: I actually once reported about this short story in my LITEACH class. I recall the topic being about what literature would I want to teach to my future class someday and I spoke about this.

For Concrete Poetry: 40-Love by Roger McGough

Concrete poetry, or known as shape poetry, can be taught to any age. Look online for shape poems and you see shapes fit for the kids: dolphins, pandas, stars, etc. But if you're in MY class, expect that we go the more analytical and mature. First person that comes to mind when we talk about this is EE Cummings. Expect him to make an appearance or two in my class but for now, I'll settle with this one by Roger McGough which is my fave concrete poem to date.

Fun fact: I learned this poem not through any literature class of mine but through my Stylistics course. Stylistics is one of my--if not my top--fave fields in Linguistics because so much of it can be applied in analyzing literature. Just look at this piece: why is there a space between? Why are some of the words here separated that way? How exactly do you read this? We'll analyze this soon!

For Feminism: "The Summer Solstice" by Nick Joaquin (Read Here)

The feminism part of this story is very much debatable but the obvious binary can be found in this Nick Joaquin classic short. I've actually taught this story before once when I used to work briefly for a tutorial center and regardless of major, I believe everyone should learn this. It gives an insight on Filipino society back then such as how a patriarchal society frowned upon a pagan fertility festival and how the women eventually stood up. It's also said to be Nick Joaquin's favorite!

I do imagine myself holding a debate over this in class! What makes it feminist? What makes it not?


For Science Fiction: "The Nine  Billion Names of God" by Arthur C. Clarke (Read Here)

Science fiction need not to be a long and complicated novel unless we're given a separate class for the whole semester or term to finish the book! I chose this Arthur Clarke piece because it's an easy read yet still gives the usual air of mystery and also allows the student to question what actually DID happen toward the end. The story begins when a Tibetan monastery sought the help of technology to speed up their centuries-long activity of writing all possible names of God. What happens when they finally do?

It's a short read and it's the kind of read where I can imagine interacting with the class and asking them their thoughts on these types of rituals (they're actually real!) and if the end actually was expected from finishing performing that particular ritual.


For Filipino Lit: Tong by F. Sionil Jose (Read here)

I feel like no Literature syllabus will be complete with at least one reading by F. Sionil Jose. He's quite the controversial figure but some of his stories for me are actually great. My favorite story of his is actually "The Wall Between Us" which I can't find online and I have only read it in a short story anthology in the school library (It's such an underrated piece because it shows the wit and humor of Mr. Jose and it's really such a simple story between two brothers. Nothing bongga or anything).

Anyways, with "Tong", I'd like to teach this because I know many are familiar with the "Great Wall" aka that forbidden love between a Chinese and a Filipino. I love how this was illustrated well here in the story and of course, it has such a sad ending. Something to tug the emotions of my future pupils.


For a novel meant as a semester or term-long reading: "A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers "by Xiaolu Guo

This is one of my favorite books and I first read it for my African-Asian Literature class. I will tell you that I easily finished this book then and it won't take months to finish because the story is absolutely lovely. It's  about a Chinese girl's journey to learning English. My students will see as they progress with each chapter, it's not only her English skills that change. (Also, this is where POST-COLONIALISM came in when I first learned this book for class aka that dreaded familiar term English majors know lol)

I've always been grateful for my professor who introduced this to me because it's really a great novel with equal parts comedy, romance, and drama--and pretty much some slice of life moments. I'd love for my students not only to learn about the story but also identify and personalize themselves with every experience told by the heroine in the book. Trust me, you'll relate.


For the sake of it: "Love Team" by The Itchyworms 

Analyzing pop music in a class is nothing new: ask some Atenean students about a certain literature professor who analyzed Lady Gaga songs in class!

But, besides the fact I'm a huge fan of The Itchyworms, why did I choose this song? When there are probably other OPM songs with much more obscure lyrics with seemingly hidden messages? (Like a number of Eraserheads songs). I guess like the earlier pieces I mentioned here, I do want to talk about Filipino culture and what is more close to the Pinoy than the quintessential love team millions cement their hearts on? Besides the culture reference, it's also a great song to cross analyze its lyrics. I don't really believe in finding excessive symbolism especially when something is quite straight to the point (Because the lyrics do speak about an actor falling for his love team. Wow. Very new[sorry for the sarcasm]). What I do like talking about is how one thing also means another or can be portrayed in a different context.




Anyway, these are SOME pieces you'd expect in my class. Yes, this is not all! I can't show all my cards, right? Hehe. See you soon in class!

It's my first time, for over a decade since I finally accepted and confirmed for myself, to openly say in any medium that I'm a bisexual woman.

I say everything with hesitance and reluctance, because we're in the middle of this stupid pandemic and I'm writing this in the early hours of the morning. I have been thinking for years on how to reveal this but society tends to think when a girl or guy says they're bi, he or she's probably calling for attention. She or he's probably making their selves more interesting.

I notice many fellow bi's can say it with ease but me? I told myself my gender is private and allowing myself whether or not I will follow my heart depended on who is after my heart and I happened to reciprocate the feeling.

It just so happens that in my life, it was men that liked me than women.

Even if most instances I didn't really care what others think, there are people whose opinion matters to me. How they view me MATTERS to me. I would also think then I'll be turning off guys, whom I date mostly but we will discuss why later, because I like girls too.

I'm coming out at 25 over something I thought was only a phase because I went to an all-girls school then but learned it was a valid feeling I felt not only to some men I've liked but women as well.

However, all these years of fear of judgment overtook me. But more than fear of judgment, it's that nerve-racking feeling of having to explain WHY my gender is this way even if I dress "a certain way" (because I just wanna say to society that sexuality and gender is not based on my clothing!) and the only two relationships I had in the past were both with straight men. I also loathed the thought of having to fight off the stigma and stereotype of what someone who's attracted and loved both sexes has to face.

I recall one of the last guys I dated for a while and how he reacted to my gender weeks into dating. The first thing he said upon learning my secret as a bisexual was "So there's a chance a woman might steal you from me?", implicitly saying that I'll have roaming eyes not only for other men BUT for women too.

Last I remembered, he went out looking at other women and chasing them, not me.

I just want to shake some of my old partners, all male, and my future ones and tell them, just because I'm bisexual doesn't mean I'm disloyal. Being loyal is something that's not determined by your sex--it's your principles!

The stereotypes in bisexuals are crazy. Some would think just because someone likes both girls and boys, I must be slutty and want to experience it all. Some say bisexuals must be polyamorous and like having multiple partners. Bisexuals probably might be into threesomes or more. Bisexuals must be sex-crazed and unfaithful because once they get married or committed to just one gender, they'll be craving for the touch of the other gender.

In reality, I'm really the exact opposite of all those because I'm very monogamous when it comes to love. When it comes to THAT "temptation" in relationships and soon, marriage; when I love someone, I'll give up exploring other men AND women--because I'll only ever want the person I love and choose to love for the rest of my life.

People around me know I'm faithful and I know bisexual people who are like this as well when it comes to love. Quit the awful stereotypes! Also, unless someone is ruining a relationship or marriage, a person's choice to be polyamorous with those who consent to it is their choice. I'm not judging so why should you?

Anyways, I've also experienced and heard women who felt uncomfortable over the thought of being in the company of someone like me. It kinda reminds me of those stories of those guys who are afraid of being with gay men, because these ignorant pricks think gay men will like them. Same thing with me as I found out when a girl reveals she likes girls to another girl because there are women who think confessing and openly being your sexuality around them means they might be your target.

And I will tell these types of girls, just like my fellow bekis to hetero men, that I have standards and just because I like boys AND girls don't mean I like every one of them I meet. Kaloka

There was only one occasion in my life that I acted on my bisexual feelings which consisted of a near confession to the girl I liked who happened to say(before I was about to confess)that she thinks liking both men and women are weird. I guess that was enough for me to give up on women.

I've also met women who do accept my gender but see me as some sort of "experimental" thing, which made me uncomfortable and further made me push back expectations of anything real from women I like.

I would wonder through the years, "Does this mean I'm straight now because I choose to date men?" because I find myself still liking girls just like those times I was liking men. It was always the men who ask me out and pursue me since I was never the type to actively seek dating or ask anyone out. I'd say 98% of every experience I have in relationships, dating, and intimacy were with males.

I tend to also question myself because when I think of getting married in the future, I see a man waiting for me by the altar. I imagine having a husband whom I have kids with. How come not a wife?

I found myself resigning to that possibility of settling with a man for the rest of my life because I've only ever been familiar with being loved by a man and me loving him back since I never experienced being loved by a woman romantically, let alone have my feelings reciprocated by them. Also, even before I started liking girls, I already knew if I were to be married one day I want to have a loving and supportive and pogi husband.

I learned that I wasn't the only bisexual person to consciously choose male partners over women. It's tricky dating women and I've had lesbian and bisexual friends telling me that. And I've had bi friends who settle for men instead. Yet, there's this notion that my choice invalidates what my gender as a bisexual woman is because if I was bi, I shouldn't be focusing on the gender of my partner now, right?

Love, although the feeling is inevitable, is ultimately a choice. Unless I do meet that woman who will make me fall head over heels in love, that chance is also just as uncertain as me falling in love again AT ALL even with a guy any time soon.

There's also nothing wrong if you want a kind of relationship that you think is the best for you regardless of gender, whether it's like mine who wants to share a life with a loving husband or you want to spend your whole life with your significant other regardless of gender.

I'll always choose whatever is right on my table and since it was always boys who showed themselves more and made love possible for me than the women I liked who just snubbed me, I don't think that has been a problem for me. I've dated some dashing cis males who do understand my gender and don't misunderstand me like some other guys and girls do. I've actually had more share of bi-phobia with women in my lifetime which already discouraged me from dating any woman in the future, to be honest. However, I don't close my doors on anyone. Why should I?

But to those like me who love a woman, I say you're lucky to have a girlfriend who accepts you, just like how I'm happy for those like me who have boyfriends

Sometimes, I feel jealous that other women who are like me have experienced meeting women who would want to date them but I think it's fine if that won't happen to me in this lifetime. I like who I like and if these girls want someone "manly" or butch, I guess it's fine? We're all entitled to types! Maybe I stuck to dating men because the possibility of the guy I like liking me back was larger than women--I had that "crush ako ng crush ko" countless of times already with my male crushes LOL

I think the reason why I never felt bad in dating only males before was because I never actually focused on the fact that they were male and had dicks; I was focused on the fact that at that point in my life, they made me happy and we shared something special. That me liking girls and boys was not an issue for them because they knew, in those moments, I chose them and they chose me.

The reason I wrote this more than coming out is the bi community needs to be more visible, because we're always invalidated as those who can't make up their minds and those who are "half straight, half gay". This pride month, we celebrate the LGBTQ+ and remember to step in for their rights such as right to marriage, right to security, right to non-discrimination, and so much more. With that said, let's remember to educate what these genders are specifically--and how one gender such as being a bisexual is expanded beyond the typical meanings given by society.

I will only match this wall and not society's standards of what is deemed "appropriate"