Harassment Happens Because of Harassers, Not Because of Clothes
June 17, 2020 |
| I will only match this wall and not society's standards of what is deemed "appropriate" |
I will never stop saying that right there.
What a person wears, whether revealing or not, WILL NEVER determine why they get sexually harassed.
What a person wears, whether revealing or not, WILL NEVER determine why they get sexually harassed.
However, the most common thing people ask when one experiences being harassed or raped is this: WHAT WERE YOU WEARING?
It doesn't mean I fully agree with her that I should cover myself. For all I know, I did spend my whole college wearing the shortest of skirts and my adulthood wearing the lowest of necklines! And my mom in her youth wore much more daring.
Recently, it has been a trending topic, with the local #MeToo movement telling their stories of sexual abuse online through #HijaAko after reports of absolutely backward thinking from public institutions and personalities who call on girls to dress more "appropriately" to avoid pambabastos.
This is a topic close to my heart because I have friends and acquaintances who have their own stories to tell about their own encounters and experiences of how they were sexually harassed, abused, molested. And it's quite a wide range of friends: from girl friends of mine who were always "covered up" to guy friends who thought were masculine and strong until they experienced molestation.
What the older, much ignorant don't realize is it's really not about clothes but about how people think it's OKAY to do this. That these people who commit these disgusting acts don't have the decency to stop themselves even from THINKING of committing the act.
A few days ago, I bought a dress that has a short hemline and a horrified mom of mine looked at me from head to toe and said I should never wear something like this outside. Of course, I defended myself from my mom.
However, what came next from her mouth really made me think where she came from: "I wore more daring clothes than you did before you were born. And until you have a daughter, you wouldn't want her to go out like this especially when people won't stop themselves from making bastos."
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| The dress may be short but it is not asking anything |
It doesn't mean I fully agree with her that I should cover myself. For all I know, I did spend my whole college wearing the shortest of skirts and my adulthood wearing the lowest of necklines! And my mom in her youth wore much more daring.
But it just reminds me how now more than ever, especially with even the older folks realizing it's just much worse these days, we need to educate people that sexual harassment and assault are never okay. That we shouldn't have to be worried for women--or anyone--going out in whatever is revealing because they are more "prone" in getting pambastos.
I will tell you some of my stories of sexual harassment that happened at different occasions in my life. In college, a jeepney driver felt his hands over my legs when I sat beside him inside the jeep. I was shocked that I ran way from the jeep after it reached the last stop, which was where I normally go down. I went home and told my story, to which I was told is because I wore a miniskirt.
When I was 19, I wore a loose t-shirt and PE shorts and I felt a male in an organization I tried getting into rub his dick on me during one of the initiations with our eyes closed. I was THRILLED in not getting in that organization and not passing their auditions.
When I was 22, I wore jeans and a tank top. And whatever was done to me, was done without me expressing consent because I was too afraid to say anything.
Last year when I was about to turn 25, a harassment of mine caught national attention because a Grab driver of mine tried lifting my skirt--a KNEE LENGTH skirt, while I was sleeping because I got sick from a coverage. I woke up and saw his hands and my billowed up skirt.
I can go on and on of even the minor harassment I experience everyday in commute. I can tell you instances where officials have taken advantage of me during work, with them thinking it was alright for them to touch me inappropriately or speak improperly because I was a young female reporter. I can tell you that in all those instance that HELL IT WAS NEVER because I wore something revealing.
I've experienced harassment in shorter hemlines the boomers are warning me and other women about because it's more "Susceptible" to pambabastos but how about the other more serious harassment in my life where I wore something "decent" and "professional"? Is it still the fault of my outfits?
Remember in "Noli Me Tangere"? Maria Clara is considered the "ideal Filipina" who is all covered up and was sheltered but yet, she was still raped.
Have you read "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath? Esther was a smart young woman who heads to New York with opportunities already up for her but was then assaulted and nearly raped at a party?
Have you read "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath? Esther was a smart young woman who heads to New York with opportunities already up for her but was then assaulted and nearly raped at a party?
Let's go to something that isn't fiction: two years ago, an exhibit held in Germany made waves around the world called "What Were You Wearing?" which featured the clothes rape victims wore the moment they were raped. This type of exhibit has inspired many similar ones around the globe, with a number I know locally holding their own exhibits like that with different stories yet still the same cry for victim blaming to end.
And what do we normally see in these exhibits? You don't only find booty shorts and plunging tops but you see baby clothes, a men's polo and slacks, a schoolgirl uniform, and so much more. It denotes that being a victim of rape and harassment happens to ANYONE.
I think what we need to do is instead of telling women or anyone how to dress in order to avoid inappropriate treatment, we need to teach and tell people NOT TO TREAT PEOPLE INAPPROPRIATELY AND TO RESPECT BOUNDARIES AND RIGHTS. Because we are not protecting anyone by telling them to dress conservatively to dodge harassers and rapists; we are simply telling them these monsters walk out there unleashed and get away with it.
And are we really safe to think of telling people to avoid being victims when anyone can be victimized to the eyes of a horny, disgusting, and disrespectful person? Even if we have laws that ensure the protection of women who experience this?
We need to put those who commit these acts accountable and let them face the consequences for their actions. It's not enough to have laws but to have stronger enforcement of them. After all, they are committing a crime!
We need to put those who commit these acts accountable and let them face the consequences for their actions. It's not enough to have laws but to have stronger enforcement of them. After all, they are committing a crime!
We need also not only stronger but much more understanding enforcement. Because victims have a hard time going forward since chasing justice for what happened to them is a much draining experience than the act of harassment alone. There will always be questions as to why we're put in the situation in the first place and it's not only about our clothes: why were you out late? Why were you alone with this person? Why didn't you try to speak up when it was about to happen? Why didn't you report it sooner? WHY THIS, WHY THAT, WHY WHY WHY
And suddenly, even if people won't deny that something bad was done to you, they make you feel that you know you brought yourself in that situation in the first place. And you feel guilty, which is the worse feeling ever.
I felt that guilt for years and it comes back to haunt me but as time passes by, I learned it was never my fault. And I can gain strength from it by helping others like me out there be strong themselves and educate on why we need to make this place safer especially for women whom society tends to dictate to avoid scandal but never tells off who caused the scandal itself.
I just want to say to my fellow Hijas and Hijos out there, harassment happens because of harassers. Not because of your clothes, because you're drunk, because you're alone with them, or because of anything but.
Harassment happens because of harassers and it's time we step up in making sure it won't happen again.
Surely next time, no one will ask "WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?" to the victims but rather, "WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?" to the perpetrator.
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