It's my first time, for over a decade since I finally accepted and confirmed for myself, to openly say in any medium that I'm a bisexual woman.

I say everything with hesitance and reluctance, because we're in the middle of this stupid pandemic and I'm writing this in the early hours of the morning. I have been thinking for years on how to reveal this but society tends to think when a girl or guy says they're bi, he or she's probably calling for attention. She or he's probably making their selves more interesting.

I notice many fellow bi's can say it with ease but me? I told myself my gender is private and allowing myself whether or not I will follow my heart depended on who is after my heart and I happened to reciprocate the feeling.

It just so happens that in my life, it was men that liked me than women.

Even if most instances I didn't really care what others think, there are people whose opinion matters to me. How they view me MATTERS to me. I would also think then I'll be turning off guys, whom I date mostly but we will discuss why later, because I like girls too.

I'm coming out at 25 over something I thought was only a phase because I went to an all-girls school then but learned it was a valid feeling I felt not only to some men I've liked but women as well.

However, all these years of fear of judgment overtook me. But more than fear of judgment, it's that nerve-racking feeling of having to explain WHY my gender is this way even if I dress "a certain way" (because I just wanna say to society that sexuality and gender is not based on my clothing!) and the only two relationships I had in the past were both with straight men. I also loathed the thought of having to fight off the stigma and stereotype of what someone who's attracted and loved both sexes has to face.

I recall one of the last guys I dated for a while and how he reacted to my gender weeks into dating. The first thing he said upon learning my secret as a bisexual was "So there's a chance a woman might steal you from me?", implicitly saying that I'll have roaming eyes not only for other men BUT for women too.

Last I remembered, he went out looking at other women and chasing them, not me.

I just want to shake some of my old partners, all male, and my future ones and tell them, just because I'm bisexual doesn't mean I'm disloyal. Being loyal is something that's not determined by your sex--it's your principles!

The stereotypes in bisexuals are crazy. Some would think just because someone likes both girls and boys, I must be slutty and want to experience it all. Some say bisexuals must be polyamorous and like having multiple partners. Bisexuals probably might be into threesomes or more. Bisexuals must be sex-crazed and unfaithful because once they get married or committed to just one gender, they'll be craving for the touch of the other gender.

In reality, I'm really the exact opposite of all those because I'm very monogamous when it comes to love. When it comes to THAT "temptation" in relationships and soon, marriage; when I love someone, I'll give up exploring other men AND women--because I'll only ever want the person I love and choose to love for the rest of my life.

People around me know I'm faithful and I know bisexual people who are like this as well when it comes to love. Quit the awful stereotypes! Also, unless someone is ruining a relationship or marriage, a person's choice to be polyamorous with those who consent to it is their choice. I'm not judging so why should you?

Anyways, I've also experienced and heard women who felt uncomfortable over the thought of being in the company of someone like me. It kinda reminds me of those stories of those guys who are afraid of being with gay men, because these ignorant pricks think gay men will like them. Same thing with me as I found out when a girl reveals she likes girls to another girl because there are women who think confessing and openly being your sexuality around them means they might be your target.

And I will tell these types of girls, just like my fellow bekis to hetero men, that I have standards and just because I like boys AND girls don't mean I like every one of them I meet. Kaloka

There was only one occasion in my life that I acted on my bisexual feelings which consisted of a near confession to the girl I liked who happened to say(before I was about to confess)that she thinks liking both men and women are weird. I guess that was enough for me to give up on women.

I've also met women who do accept my gender but see me as some sort of "experimental" thing, which made me uncomfortable and further made me push back expectations of anything real from women I like.

I would wonder through the years, "Does this mean I'm straight now because I choose to date men?" because I find myself still liking girls just like those times I was liking men. It was always the men who ask me out and pursue me since I was never the type to actively seek dating or ask anyone out. I'd say 98% of every experience I have in relationships, dating, and intimacy were with males.

I tend to also question myself because when I think of getting married in the future, I see a man waiting for me by the altar. I imagine having a husband whom I have kids with. How come not a wife?

I found myself resigning to that possibility of settling with a man for the rest of my life because I've only ever been familiar with being loved by a man and me loving him back since I never experienced being loved by a woman romantically, let alone have my feelings reciprocated by them. Also, even before I started liking girls, I already knew if I were to be married one day I want to have a loving and supportive and pogi husband.

I learned that I wasn't the only bisexual person to consciously choose male partners over women. It's tricky dating women and I've had lesbian and bisexual friends telling me that. And I've had bi friends who settle for men instead. Yet, there's this notion that my choice invalidates what my gender as a bisexual woman is because if I was bi, I shouldn't be focusing on the gender of my partner now, right?

Love, although the feeling is inevitable, is ultimately a choice. Unless I do meet that woman who will make me fall head over heels in love, that chance is also just as uncertain as me falling in love again AT ALL even with a guy any time soon.

There's also nothing wrong if you want a kind of relationship that you think is the best for you regardless of gender, whether it's like mine who wants to share a life with a loving husband or you want to spend your whole life with your significant other regardless of gender.

I'll always choose whatever is right on my table and since it was always boys who showed themselves more and made love possible for me than the women I liked who just snubbed me, I don't think that has been a problem for me. I've dated some dashing cis males who do understand my gender and don't misunderstand me like some other guys and girls do. I've actually had more share of bi-phobia with women in my lifetime which already discouraged me from dating any woman in the future, to be honest. However, I don't close my doors on anyone. Why should I?

But to those like me who love a woman, I say you're lucky to have a girlfriend who accepts you, just like how I'm happy for those like me who have boyfriends

Sometimes, I feel jealous that other women who are like me have experienced meeting women who would want to date them but I think it's fine if that won't happen to me in this lifetime. I like who I like and if these girls want someone "manly" or butch, I guess it's fine? We're all entitled to types! Maybe I stuck to dating men because the possibility of the guy I like liking me back was larger than women--I had that "crush ako ng crush ko" countless of times already with my male crushes LOL

I think the reason why I never felt bad in dating only males before was because I never actually focused on the fact that they were male and had dicks; I was focused on the fact that at that point in my life, they made me happy and we shared something special. That me liking girls and boys was not an issue for them because they knew, in those moments, I chose them and they chose me.

The reason I wrote this more than coming out is the bi community needs to be more visible, because we're always invalidated as those who can't make up their minds and those who are "half straight, half gay". This pride month, we celebrate the LGBTQ+ and remember to step in for their rights such as right to marriage, right to security, right to non-discrimination, and so much more. With that said, let's remember to educate what these genders are specifically--and how one gender such as being a bisexual is expanded beyond the typical meanings given by society.