A Gill and A Way

Throwback 2015 after an actual teaching demo!

And yes, I meant to say "Lit" twice lol

Anyways, I love English. I love Linguistics and all that jazz, but I love LOVE Literature. Because of my degree, I tend to be much more accustomed to teaching, well, literature rather than writing literature (But of course, I've done it countless of times).

That's Lit 👏

Anyhow, I think it is a cool thing to write about what my future students will expect me to give them as readings--if everything I'll give them calls to be read, that is. Now, here are some lessons you might expect--and hopefully whatever institution will permit me to use--if you are going to be a future student of mine.


For Magic Realism: "The Iceman" by Haruki Murakami (Read Here)

Back when I was Frosh, I read this for my HUMALIT class. This was also one of the pieces used when the discussion was about Magic Realism. Besides the fact that this is probably one of my favorite works of Murakami, it is also the best example to introduce students to Magic Realism, a type of genre that is technically new but somewhat still hard to define not unless you read texts that are in this genre. Confusing, I know!

"The Iceman" talks about lady who marries an actual iceman, complete with frost and all.

One fond memory on this: I actually once reported about this short story in my LITEACH class. I recall the topic being about what literature would I want to teach to my future class someday and I spoke about this.

For Concrete Poetry: 40-Love by Roger McGough

Concrete poetry, or known as shape poetry, can be taught to any age. Look online for shape poems and you see shapes fit for the kids: dolphins, pandas, stars, etc. But if you're in MY class, expect that we go the more analytical and mature. First person that comes to mind when we talk about this is EE Cummings. Expect him to make an appearance or two in my class but for now, I'll settle with this one by Roger McGough which is my fave concrete poem to date.

Fun fact: I learned this poem not through any literature class of mine but through my Stylistics course. Stylistics is one of my--if not my top--fave fields in Linguistics because so much of it can be applied in analyzing literature. Just look at this piece: why is there a space between? Why are some of the words here separated that way? How exactly do you read this? We'll analyze this soon!

For Feminism: "The Summer Solstice" by Nick Joaquin (Read Here)

The feminism part of this story is very much debatable but the obvious binary can be found in this Nick Joaquin classic short. I've actually taught this story before once when I used to work briefly for a tutorial center and regardless of major, I believe everyone should learn this. It gives an insight on Filipino society back then such as how a patriarchal society frowned upon a pagan fertility festival and how the women eventually stood up. It's also said to be Nick Joaquin's favorite!

I do imagine myself holding a debate over this in class! What makes it feminist? What makes it not?


For Science Fiction: "The Nine  Billion Names of God" by Arthur C. Clarke (Read Here)

Science fiction need not to be a long and complicated novel unless we're given a separate class for the whole semester or term to finish the book! I chose this Arthur Clarke piece because it's an easy read yet still gives the usual air of mystery and also allows the student to question what actually DID happen toward the end. The story begins when a Tibetan monastery sought the help of technology to speed up their centuries-long activity of writing all possible names of God. What happens when they finally do?

It's a short read and it's the kind of read where I can imagine interacting with the class and asking them their thoughts on these types of rituals (they're actually real!) and if the end actually was expected from finishing performing that particular ritual.


For Filipino Lit: Tong by F. Sionil Jose (Read here)

I feel like no Literature syllabus will be complete with at least one reading by F. Sionil Jose. He's quite the controversial figure but some of his stories for me are actually great. My favorite story of his is actually "The Wall Between Us" which I can't find online and I have only read it in a short story anthology in the school library (It's such an underrated piece because it shows the wit and humor of Mr. Jose and it's really such a simple story between two brothers. Nothing bongga or anything).

Anyways, with "Tong", I'd like to teach this because I know many are familiar with the "Great Wall" aka that forbidden love between a Chinese and a Filipino. I love how this was illustrated well here in the story and of course, it has such a sad ending. Something to tug the emotions of my future pupils.


For a novel meant as a semester or term-long reading: "A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers "by Xiaolu Guo

This is one of my favorite books and I first read it for my African-Asian Literature class. I will tell you that I easily finished this book then and it won't take months to finish because the story is absolutely lovely. It's  about a Chinese girl's journey to learning English. My students will see as they progress with each chapter, it's not only her English skills that change. (Also, this is where POST-COLONIALISM came in when I first learned this book for class aka that dreaded familiar term English majors know lol)

I've always been grateful for my professor who introduced this to me because it's really a great novel with equal parts comedy, romance, and drama--and pretty much some slice of life moments. I'd love for my students not only to learn about the story but also identify and personalize themselves with every experience told by the heroine in the book. Trust me, you'll relate.


For the sake of it: "Love Team" by The Itchyworms 

Analyzing pop music in a class is nothing new: ask some Atenean students about a certain literature professor who analyzed Lady Gaga songs in class!

But, besides the fact I'm a huge fan of The Itchyworms, why did I choose this song? When there are probably other OPM songs with much more obscure lyrics with seemingly hidden messages? (Like a number of Eraserheads songs). I guess like the earlier pieces I mentioned here, I do want to talk about Filipino culture and what is more close to the Pinoy than the quintessential love team millions cement their hearts on? Besides the culture reference, it's also a great song to cross analyze its lyrics. I don't really believe in finding excessive symbolism especially when something is quite straight to the point (Because the lyrics do speak about an actor falling for his love team. Wow. Very new[sorry for the sarcasm]). What I do like talking about is how one thing also means another or can be portrayed in a different context.




Anyway, these are SOME pieces you'd expect in my class. Yes, this is not all! I can't show all my cards, right? Hehe. See you soon in class!

It's my first time, for over a decade since I finally accepted and confirmed for myself, to openly say in any medium that I'm a bisexual woman.

I say everything with hesitance and reluctance, because we're in the middle of this stupid pandemic and I'm writing this in the early hours of the morning. I have been thinking for years on how to reveal this but society tends to think when a girl or guy says they're bi, he or she's probably calling for attention. She or he's probably making their selves more interesting.

I notice many fellow bi's can say it with ease but me? I told myself my gender is private and allowing myself whether or not I will follow my heart depended on who is after my heart and I happened to reciprocate the feeling.

It just so happens that in my life, it was men that liked me than women.

Even if most instances I didn't really care what others think, there are people whose opinion matters to me. How they view me MATTERS to me. I would also think then I'll be turning off guys, whom I date mostly but we will discuss why later, because I like girls too.

I'm coming out at 25 over something I thought was only a phase because I went to an all-girls school then but learned it was a valid feeling I felt not only to some men I've liked but women as well.

However, all these years of fear of judgment overtook me. But more than fear of judgment, it's that nerve-racking feeling of having to explain WHY my gender is this way even if I dress "a certain way" (because I just wanna say to society that sexuality and gender is not based on my clothing!) and the only two relationships I had in the past were both with straight men. I also loathed the thought of having to fight off the stigma and stereotype of what someone who's attracted and loved both sexes has to face.

I recall one of the last guys I dated for a while and how he reacted to my gender weeks into dating. The first thing he said upon learning my secret as a bisexual was "So there's a chance a woman might steal you from me?", implicitly saying that I'll have roaming eyes not only for other men BUT for women too.

Last I remembered, he went out looking at other women and chasing them, not me.

I just want to shake some of my old partners, all male, and my future ones and tell them, just because I'm bisexual doesn't mean I'm disloyal. Being loyal is something that's not determined by your sex--it's your principles!

The stereotypes in bisexuals are crazy. Some would think just because someone likes both girls and boys, I must be slutty and want to experience it all. Some say bisexuals must be polyamorous and like having multiple partners. Bisexuals probably might be into threesomes or more. Bisexuals must be sex-crazed and unfaithful because once they get married or committed to just one gender, they'll be craving for the touch of the other gender.

In reality, I'm really the exact opposite of all those because I'm very monogamous when it comes to love. When it comes to THAT "temptation" in relationships and soon, marriage; when I love someone, I'll give up exploring other men AND women--because I'll only ever want the person I love and choose to love for the rest of my life.

People around me know I'm faithful and I know bisexual people who are like this as well when it comes to love. Quit the awful stereotypes! Also, unless someone is ruining a relationship or marriage, a person's choice to be polyamorous with those who consent to it is their choice. I'm not judging so why should you?

Anyways, I've also experienced and heard women who felt uncomfortable over the thought of being in the company of someone like me. It kinda reminds me of those stories of those guys who are afraid of being with gay men, because these ignorant pricks think gay men will like them. Same thing with me as I found out when a girl reveals she likes girls to another girl because there are women who think confessing and openly being your sexuality around them means they might be your target.

And I will tell these types of girls, just like my fellow bekis to hetero men, that I have standards and just because I like boys AND girls don't mean I like every one of them I meet. Kaloka

There was only one occasion in my life that I acted on my bisexual feelings which consisted of a near confession to the girl I liked who happened to say(before I was about to confess)that she thinks liking both men and women are weird. I guess that was enough for me to give up on women.

I've also met women who do accept my gender but see me as some sort of "experimental" thing, which made me uncomfortable and further made me push back expectations of anything real from women I like.

I would wonder through the years, "Does this mean I'm straight now because I choose to date men?" because I find myself still liking girls just like those times I was liking men. It was always the men who ask me out and pursue me since I was never the type to actively seek dating or ask anyone out. I'd say 98% of every experience I have in relationships, dating, and intimacy were with males.

I tend to also question myself because when I think of getting married in the future, I see a man waiting for me by the altar. I imagine having a husband whom I have kids with. How come not a wife?

I found myself resigning to that possibility of settling with a man for the rest of my life because I've only ever been familiar with being loved by a man and me loving him back since I never experienced being loved by a woman romantically, let alone have my feelings reciprocated by them. Also, even before I started liking girls, I already knew if I were to be married one day I want to have a loving and supportive and pogi husband.

I learned that I wasn't the only bisexual person to consciously choose male partners over women. It's tricky dating women and I've had lesbian and bisexual friends telling me that. And I've had bi friends who settle for men instead. Yet, there's this notion that my choice invalidates what my gender as a bisexual woman is because if I was bi, I shouldn't be focusing on the gender of my partner now, right?

Love, although the feeling is inevitable, is ultimately a choice. Unless I do meet that woman who will make me fall head over heels in love, that chance is also just as uncertain as me falling in love again AT ALL even with a guy any time soon.

There's also nothing wrong if you want a kind of relationship that you think is the best for you regardless of gender, whether it's like mine who wants to share a life with a loving husband or you want to spend your whole life with your significant other regardless of gender.

I'll always choose whatever is right on my table and since it was always boys who showed themselves more and made love possible for me than the women I liked who just snubbed me, I don't think that has been a problem for me. I've dated some dashing cis males who do understand my gender and don't misunderstand me like some other guys and girls do. I've actually had more share of bi-phobia with women in my lifetime which already discouraged me from dating any woman in the future, to be honest. However, I don't close my doors on anyone. Why should I?

But to those like me who love a woman, I say you're lucky to have a girlfriend who accepts you, just like how I'm happy for those like me who have boyfriends

Sometimes, I feel jealous that other women who are like me have experienced meeting women who would want to date them but I think it's fine if that won't happen to me in this lifetime. I like who I like and if these girls want someone "manly" or butch, I guess it's fine? We're all entitled to types! Maybe I stuck to dating men because the possibility of the guy I like liking me back was larger than women--I had that "crush ako ng crush ko" countless of times already with my male crushes LOL

I think the reason why I never felt bad in dating only males before was because I never actually focused on the fact that they were male and had dicks; I was focused on the fact that at that point in my life, they made me happy and we shared something special. That me liking girls and boys was not an issue for them because they knew, in those moments, I chose them and they chose me.

The reason I wrote this more than coming out is the bi community needs to be more visible, because we're always invalidated as those who can't make up their minds and those who are "half straight, half gay". This pride month, we celebrate the LGBTQ+ and remember to step in for their rights such as right to marriage, right to security, right to non-discrimination, and so much more. With that said, let's remember to educate what these genders are specifically--and how one gender such as being a bisexual is expanded beyond the typical meanings given by society.

I will only match this wall and not society's standards of what is deemed "appropriate"

This is a quote in one of my favorite articles which is Jose Rizal's essay "El Amor Patrio (For Love of Country)." This is a piece that's widely taught in schools but many seem to overlook the message woven between his beautiful words on how the love of country, once marked inside of you, will never leave. And how love of country will also push you to do what you can to improve its conditions especially when we are experiencing all these social maladies (RIZAL PUN, PLEASE APPRECIATE).

After all, as Rizal then followed after saying that first quote that love has always been the "extreme force" behind the most sublime actions and that the love of country has lead to many heroic deeds.


Nearly two centuries later, the love of country is needed more than ever.

It's apparent with the events this 2020 just how much we need to rally our rights especially when it's challenged by those who challenge the law and think they can get away with it. Twice to thrice as much as the people who think they can get away from the law are the million who are suffering because of unjust enforcement.

I will ask you, in a country that has declared its independence over a hundred years ago, has it really been free?

Nagdudusa na ang Inang Bayan

We all have individual freedom and that is limited to not stepping on other people's rights. And as a "Free country" with a Constitution that has enshrined the rights we have, why are our rights suddenly at risk? Why is this supreme law also being challenged?

It seems asking for assurance in providing a country with basic needs such as healthcare and education is suddenly too muck to ask. It's as if speaking out on the shortcomings of those we voted to power in the first place has become our faults rather than theirs who break their promises. It's as if protocols and guidelines crafted especially in managing this time of the virus crisis have not even had the masses in mind.

And yet, priorities are made instead on other things rather than providing efficient assistance to the millions who are affected by this pandemic. As this pandemic continues to constrain all activity, why is this government also suddenly defending how it is also constraining our freedom?

Constraining in a "I will limit your freedom of speech, actions, etc" type of way, by the way. The lockdown of course restricts our actions but it is needed if we need to contain this virus.

What do you do if the power-hungry, the incapable, and the unemphatic are either ones who guard people like hawks to find ways in imposing authority or are ones who could barely even care how much the country has been suffering?

What happened to the leaders we need to look up to and learn on how to love this country by always thinking of the common good and letting fairness happen for everyone? Why is it suddenly a game where we're all pitted against each other as the powerful swiftly builds more walls instead of bridges?

Love recognizes not only beauty and the good but also staying through the ugly and bad--and finding ways to address it especially if it drags everyone down. In many scenarios, people leave partners who are abusive, toxic, selfish and it is wise to do so. But with our country, all these struggles she is facing, is it wise to leave? Is it wise to stay quiet and allow what our forefathers fought for evaporate forever?

We need the love of country because it fuels the desire for its improvement. Love isn't always blind and should NEVER be especially when you love a country, you will never allow greed to deprive its citizens from their freedom. Because when that happens, freedom will only remain only a mere mist of an idea than the independence our forefathers died for.

Hahanapin at ipaglalaban natin ang tunay na kalayaan

And how the quarantine saved my skincare (lol)

I noticed with better skin, with or without makeup, there's a certain glow that shows not even good makeup can give. Only wore a bit of powder for base here and concealer on some acne scars.

In highschool, my favorite thing to do after class besides going home is to go to the nearby Mercury Drug to replenish my beauty soaps that did nothing to my skin, whitening lotions that only gave me a white film, and Myra-E moisturizer sachets (the only moisturizer I can afford then even if it gave me awful butlig) when they run out for me. My most expensive skin item was a tub of bentonite clay from Healthy Options, which helped me with my occasional zits back then.

In college, it would still pretty much be the same however I usually had no regular routine since I was too tired to do so every night and I knew I had good skin genes to back me up. I loved sheet masks and tried them like how I'm eager seeing different flavored candies in the store. However, it made me breakout too because too much moisture for my oily skin? Should have known better!

Fast forward now in my mid 20s, with me hopping from one routine to the next to simply none at all which has become a vicious skin cycle, I still see skincare as something important but after buying a P1,000 Pixi Toner that did nothing to my face after enjoying the first few weeks of glowing skin, I told myself skincare is not an investment beyond Watsons pricing--unless someone gifts me a jar of La Mer (Not in this economy).

However, with the quarantine, I felt emotionally unwell. Countless talks with counselors through the phone all seemed to give me the same kind of advice, which is to lose focus on things I cannot control. I've been weighed heavily on these types of thoughts especially during the first month of quarantine and boy, was it HEA-VY. They were all big problems for me but also, they were all inevitable anyway so no use in wishing it happened otherwise.

I learned slowly about self-care in little ways, be it a few of minutes of reading or hours of writing. I learned how a self-care ritual of any purpose served me the needed push and motivation, especially in those moments I kept beating myself down. But the most significant for me was discovering how skincare, a seemingly indulgent thing for me, is a ritual that calmed me down and made me feel a bit more confident with my own skin.

As small as it sounds, but I discovered how magical it is using scented body wash when I shower and slathering a similarly scented lotion with it. It's funny because on usual days, I just use whatever soap is there and save lotion when I felt scaly. Yet, it still needed more pushing to incorporate skincare as a mental health reliever for me the way shopping, eating out, hanging with friends, and doing my makeup does.

But I can't do those things anymore. It can be a little frivolous to shop online at a pandemic like this for clothes I'm not even sure I'll get to wear soon enough as I still have a backlog of new clothes in the house. Eating out when I can has suddenly turned into me eating whatever is in the house but at least being thankful there's something to eat even if it's not the indulgent dishes I once spent on. And hanging out with friends during a pandemic can be done online sure, but I also need to give space especially when this is affecting everyone seriously.

So, there came that random curiosity towards skincare and how there's a world beyond Watsons and Mercury Drug offerings. I would watch videos on skincare or read on ingredients, and then write down product recommendations I'm interested to try. Then, add to cart and wait for what I didn't know was something that gave me much more than better skin.

Just some(Yes, some)  of the skincare purchases I made this quarantine.

From relying on 4 products consisting of face wash, face oil, face mist, and the occasional masking, I suddenly saw a mini apothecary of sorts in my vanity, expanded with moisturizing creams in jars; potent serums in droppers; and exfoliating acids in bottles. Of course, they aren't just simply standing there but I learned to also put them on.

I used to really not care about putting skincare religiously but now, I have an actual regimen since I can't make excuses. I used to think it was so militant to be religious but I found it's relaxing and something I--gasp--look forward to! Smearing creams, adding serums, and massaging them in my skin also allowed me to sink in the thought that I deserve to be taken care off in this way.

That when my mind will not always think I'm at my most beautiful, I still deserved to look my best. That I deserve to consume something that was well-thought of and researched and not because it only fulfilled a certain purpose. Skincare was something I overlooked for years.

After I looked up online, I thought quarantine was the best period of incorporating exfoliating acids in my regimen, which is known to have a purging effect. Not looking back to life without retinol now lol

Also, there is this sensorial experience of applying something in my skin that I know has had more research done and included ingredients that will improve my skin. It's like I'm giving value to it the way I'd invest in nicer clothes and shoes or in more authentic food and cuisine. I'd normally feel my skin can do away with all the fancy rituals and additional fancy products as someone who just kept it simple for years but if my skin did, it won't look at its best--and I won't feel my best too.

Doing these small, somewhat spoiled rituals I do for my skin--the largest organ--created a sense of comfort and care. Caring for myself was something I initially did not feel during the quarantine--nor was it prioritized prior to the quarantine when all I did was think of other people and things before myself.

And it showed physically. Friends whom I video chat often notice I was much more glowing. People in the house commented that there was something different. I would reason always it's the skincare but I know it's really the change of mindset during this quarantine that I needed a little more TLC whether it's in this small form such as skincare or a large one such as finally warranting myself to this kind of indulgence.

Honestly, I get a little anxious thinking about how much I've spent on skincare recently during the quarantine and I know I spent more than I ever did in my entire life relying on absolutely cheap things that did nothing but be abrasive on or dehydrate my skin. But let's just say it's a guilty pleasure now that is actually an investment in the long term--especially when I'll have more glowy skin and even more confidence in the way I look as I get older.

For me, skincare--or rather, learning to look forward in following one in the day and night--reminded me of a normal routine I'd follow prior to quarantine. There is that elaborate commute I take before going to work. There is that process of studying news and writing notes when covering actual daily coverages. I longed for a routine that gave me fulfillment somehow like these daily challenges that I can't experience when I'm locked in the house. But I have this skincare routine, as trivial and ridiculous as it is in comparison, that gives a me something to wait through with patience knowing it will be worth it in the long run.




About the QUARANTINE SERIES

These are a series of posts that discuss mental health, deep thoughts, and random experiences during my time in the quarantine. Details of my battles and my triumphs written like how I write it--with honesty and a little insight.

When I was on my last year of college, the only other thoughts I had in my mind besides walking in my toga was earning money and getting my master's degree/law degree(There was a brief period during this time I did think about it and had my excited cousins tour me around the law school I was supposed to only apply for. Even inquired for the exams' review too).

2020 me, after 3 years I dedicated to improving and realizing my power

A few years ago, a shy girl decided to have a shoot wearing nothing but a white t-shirt and black cycling shorts--no bra. She found it daring. She never liked taking pictures and  hated posing for a camera (and let's just say, I still do). But she felt within a spontaneous and random moment during what seemed like a difficult 2017, that she had something in her. A certain fire burning inside her that somehow made her feel she wants to be her real true self.

2020 portrait: I'm indestructible, magical.