A Gill and A Way

"Darna!"

The past weeks saw me experiencing all sorts of emotions and coming up with different ways to cope, from anxiety over the virus to pressure from work to grief over losses. One of these feelings I felt recently involved the feeling of insecurity and some self-doubt. For the first time in a long time, I felt the high self-esteem and self-love I built from years of working on myself suddenly rattled by some who choose to see the worst in me.

Being reminded of my worth, I had a lovely talk with my mom telling me that I come from a long line of warrior women. They are not bloodthirsty but they are just as lethal; women who can captivate you with their charm but definitely are skilled in war that is real life.

I look at my mom, my aunts, my grandmother, her sisters, and my great grandma: all who have beauty, brains, and most important of all: bravery. All traits I wished as a kid I had but was realistic enough to know I wasn't pretty so I will only focus on the brains part. Even if I was a sassy kid, I was still considered shy to be fully extroverted so instead I focused on how I endure difficulties.

Each women I looked at have experienced their own set of trials. The usual stories I know are that they were all classical beauties, have graced pageants or print ads, basically stories that made me yawn as a kid. But, as I soon learned, they were fierce and unbreakable: the kind of woman I aspire even until now.

I come from a long line of warrior women and their DNA, blood are what molded me today and are what run through my veins.

Starting with my late great-grandmother who was my idol since I was younger, one of the main reasons I want to be a professor. She was a Carnival queen in the day yet decided to be a professor in the academe, a bold move for a woman during the 20s, 30s. Born a Muslim, she married my great grandfather who's a Spanish mestizo Christian and also in the academe. I admired the beauty, brains, and bravery of hers, only hoping I can be this headstrong someday to choose what I am passionate to do, to choose who I want to love, despite expectation and the norms.

My great-grandmother in her Miss Philippines days at the Manila Carnival. Photo credit from manilacarnivals.blogspot.com

Other women in my family also have a story to tell of survival in the most difficult periods of their lives, from obtaining PhD's in their chosen field to excelling in law or politics to killing it as accomplished educators to being brave to walk away from a bad marriage, yet still coming out more radiant like how diamonds are formed under pressure.

I've been reminded that coming from this kind of female lineage and how each generation upheld the strength yet maintained their loveliness through it all, I too possess something as magical and that realization made me feel even more worthy than I ever felt.

Not everyone I know was happy I decided to pursue writing since even as a kid, I already had activism in me and still remain outspoken on issues. However, pursuing my passion in an industry where you not only have to be sharp but also be fearless, is an assurance that I've already started my path in not letting down the women before me I absolutely looked up to.

I wanted to do something for this country and utilize the education I was blessed with. Like a true enlightened one, or what they say in the colonial era, an "Ilustrado." Sure, maybe my relatives tell me I could be earning more abroad or could be doing much more but I'll continue to fight where I am now because it's here where I'm needed the most.

 And even with the people in my family who want me to take a different road, they all root for me and say that this is something definitely women I idolized in the clan will be impressed and proud of.

I was reminded that even if I think that I'm not getting out of my shell enough, I've always been courageous in more ways than one and strong-willed in going after what is right and just. That even if I feel like I'm not as brilliant, I have always had intelligence and adaptability to handle challenges around me and succeed. That even if I say I'm not as gorgeous, I know I was passed on the same inner beauty that defines me more than the deep-set eyes, high cheekbones, arched eyebrows, and full lips--dare I say, the same face as my mom and great grandmother--I inherited.

I was advised that if there is anyone who won't see that worth in me, they simply don't matter. The one who DOES matter, will see and accept me for who I am. What's important is that the first person to do that is myself.

No man, nor anyone, can put a strong woman down.

"The kind of woman that you are is timeless, passed on by the women before you and will live on to the generations after," I was told. That I too, share the same sparkle in my eye and grit in my actions to the beautiful and bright ladies in my ancestry and it's up to me to believe that I am just like them.

I know I am a warrior woman. I've always been and now, I will continue to believe so.



EDIT: Earlier publication of this entry stated my great grandma, Princess Norma Maulana Mercado, is a Manila Carnival Queen. So this is where the complicated bits of pageantry comes to play which I need to clarify here: the specific pageant she joined in was the 1927  Miss Philippines held in the Manila Carnival, so technically she was a Carnival queen but she's actually Miss Philippines din? Di ko din gets? Basta yun. She specifically won Miss Mindanao. Sorry for this confusion! Pati ako naconfuse! 

Blurry, hazy, and dreamy; like your memory of me close

Here's a piece from from my writing vault! Background about this piece: I wrote "Closer" some over four years ago and posted it in my old Tumblr site. I recall writing this when I was all amorous for someone but that is long done and over and I have no interest in looking back. The only thing I will look back into though, is the fact that some of the many beautiful things I wrote were done while in love (and also while I was hurt). Don't think I'll be writing this way again any time soon hehe charot! (Bayan at sarili muna, as always)

"Closer" (2016)


Come close to me on a night like this…

 I look at you from the driver’s seat stirring both wheels: that of this car we’re in and the wheels to my heart. Smile the way you always do, as if I weren’t dying over you already. Alcohol made me feel more heady and how this along with rapid heartbeats and raging hormones is a dangerous combination…

Yes, hold my hand and sway it as we walk the dimly lit streets. The moon is above us and the sun threatening to come. Let me look up at you and remember why moments like these are special. Look down at me and may it remind you that someone adores you as much as you adore me.

Me. You. Off to somewhere else.

Pull me down to the bed and kiss me hard. Caress me if you will. Let’s take it all off: fears, apprehensions, tension. Let’s take it all off: stuffy outfits, buckled belts, lacy lingerie. Let’s take it all off: old flames, still heartaches, bad memories.Let’s just take everything off and come even closer…

Look me in the eyes and let your flesh passionately say what your mouth can’t. Sounds we make range from soft to hard. Hope we didn’t wake anyone but boy is it way past my bedtime now. You change the context of “bedtime” now: in bed now with you is heaven with actions that could send us to hell.

Put my hands behind me and take charge. We’re both equals in this affair we have but I’m allowing you to take over me. Let me take over you some other time–or maybe right after now. The struggle is too real, too swift. I feel your weight: the pounds of your body and the intensity of your stare. I need to make it up to you for that: I will be the lightweight who will rule on top of you next.

The heat comes in way too overwhelmingly but darling, I’d gladly bask myself in it if it means I’ll be with you. Snuggle next to me and let’s cuddle until god knows when. Pull a piece of hair away from my face and kiss me if you will. The absence of clothes and cold from two warm bodies heated by boiling passion becomes much more than a wonderful dream now.

Come close to me on a night like this. Come fast after I tease you until morning. Come gently as you come in rough. Come closer, closer I plea...

You, Woman

Remember you're a strong one. A powerhouse of wonder. That's who you are.

When there are those who doubted you, you continue to fight the negativity. Fail if you must and if it isn't avoided. But never forget that that isn't the only try you're going to have. Success is always there, waiting and it will be sweeter for you.

When gender and sex is used as barrier to keep you from reaching your best, show that a woman isn't meant to stay only in the background or on the ground. A woman strives in this man-made world to make herself complete, not to compete.

When there are expectations for you to stay at home or be the doting wife, don't dismiss that thought for other women aspire that. Just simply show the world there's another option to life which is to make your own mark in this world. Or aspire to be both if you want.

When the road gets tougher despite pushing yourself harder, know when to take a moment then continue giving all your might. More than might, do it with all your heart. You will watch yourself survive through thunderous storms.

When you see your fellow women take a hit in their lives the same way you have experienced, always do what you can to help. We will only be the ones to understand our struggles. We will need to support each other if we want to make an improvement for every woman.

When a man cannot accept the love you give, give the love you have to the whole universe that reveres you. You are a phenomenal deity worthy of adoration. More than giving love, learn to save the biggest chunk for yourself.

When you're given the option to settle for less, look away. If you have gotten far in many aspects through your efforts, don't think that some are exempted by lowering your standards. You're the queen and fair ruler, not someone who can be pushed to what she doesn't deserve.

Remember you're the moon and stars across the skies. You should be looked up and admired, not allowing yourself to be lower than you should be.

You, Woman, are a woman. That's who you are. Never forget that

To My Dear Students,
It's been two years since I last set foot in your school and yet, I want to thank you for being open whenever I had lessons where I weaved societal issues in. Stating facts and truth was something I did as a teacher then and as a writer now and I have never forced political viewpoints on anyone. I say it then and say it now: make yourself aware and from that, make yourself useful in any way.

I know a number of you are going to be college next year. I'm sorry if I won't be attending your graduation next month--you know why with the times. All I can say is I am proud that you're all one step closer to the real world. Scary, yes but not something I know you all won't handle. You will have 4 years of college to figure it out.

But before you guys get your highschool diplomas and get your feet to the university gates, I must tell you think of the situation right now. You all are aware of the virus. Does it scare you? I know it does but hear me out.It's plastered all over TV and the internet that I know you are all religiously on because online classes were suspended.

Sure I will be the first to tell you, like everyone else, to keep yourselves clean. Wash your hands, drink a lot of water, avoid going out of the house if you feel a little sick and go to the doctor if you are extremely ill. Observe cough etiquette, practice social distancing. I guess it can never be said enough right?

But you see, what's happening now is more than just a health issue. You can see so many people especially the working class and the marginalized suffering though the cracks of governance from poor facilities to power abuse. You will see how our health frontliners are fighting this battle also head on but there's this issue of our local healthcare and the scarcity of manpower. You will see all these employees who are delivering basic goods and services having a hard time because the issue of no transportation will force them to walk long distances just to do their part. You will see employees who are meant to stay at home but are forced to report to work because their employers tell them so or they will not be paid. You will see people lose jobs, livelihood, and loved ones, all because of this virus.

I will ask all of you to watch and read every news intently and ask yourselves, what do you think are the things needed in these crucial times? Once you identify that, I urge you to work on being the solution once doors of college open in a few months.

No, I am not telling you to do something drastic. You are young and like me an adult, are also caught in the hardships this country is facing. The virus could disappear someday, but the real plight of the Filipino will still be there and it's because of this virus these problems are highlighted: bad governance, unfair labor practices, little health workers, and so much more.

I am so proud how a number of you are telling me what you want to be: a doctor, a nurse, a writer, a lawyer, and so much more. In your quest to be who you want to be, also remember to be the person this country will need.

Look at the problems around and look at the success (no matter how hard you think it is). If there's a sector you see is suffering, remember them and work on how to help them someday when you're in the real world. When you see those acts of good like the leadership of some people who want to make the lives of their constituents better, then continue that.

Just remember I am not asking you to be anyone. Never lose sight of the issues and see how in your own way, talent, skill,interest, goals you can help.

Nothing happens overnight. It takes small steps to make a difference. You may not be the answer to this COVID-19 pandemic now but you will be the people who will be preventing any future virus and destroy the chain of questionable leadership especially when the time comes years from now. And watch the Philippines become a better place.

Even if you're at home, let this time remind you of your true purpose. In a few months, you will be in college but make this education count as someday, we will count on each other to improve our country.


Note: I'm writing this with my former students in mind. But I think many of the lessons will definitely apply to everyone.

You can call this an unexpected follow-up of a post I wrote here back in 2017 (http://agillandaway.blogspot.com/2017/10/im-speaking-out-in-time-of-harvey.html) but like how I began that entry, I will say that everyone knows that Harvey Weinstein is all over the news again. And for a reason that brought millions of people who are part of the #MeToo movement: Weistein is finally sentenced to 23 years in prison for first-degree criminal sexual act and third degree rape.

I see pictures of Weinstein walking in and out of the New York city courtroom, a bit frail and hunched back due to using those walkers. He was far from he man who exuded a lot of confidence, intimidation, and for the lack of a better term, TOXIC MASCULINITY. I feel no remorse at all, as anyone did, even with reports he suffered a "mild" heart attack after learning of his conviction.

On my personal journey, it has been a struggle to still accept. And I imagine with a Harvey Weinstein-esque mammoth of a person who violated me, it's still difficult to overcome the fear even after I started dating again.

In one of the testimonies of one of the women,  Weinstein used power to get women to do what he wants and if they don't he will remind them of how they are not even worthy. I am reminded at times, and in ways that still shake me to the core, of how I myself was reminded of never finding happiness in love. Because I was violated. Because I didn't please the violator. Because no one will believe me.

I can never compare my experiences to what other women in the Weinstein case experience but one thing clear is that no matter how long ago the action was done: a few years back, a decade ago, nearly over two decades; it will still hurt. And the mere thought of it, whatever type of sexual harassment it is, still makes a woman's wring and cause an ache that's inexplicably different.

I recently read this article from The Guardian written by one of the women Weinstein raped and all I can think of, despite the difference of circumstance of her situation versus mine, is that women suffer the most after they get harassed/raped. Model Tarale Wulff wrote something that really encapsulated how I feel even after so many years:

"Harvey Weinstein stole a part of my self-worth, treating me like I was nothing and I became fearful and mistrustful, not only of others but of myself."

After what happened, I became doubtful of any person who tried to get close to me. And even if I know in my heart I've gotten stronger as an individual, I recognize how things can get messy if I use that anxiety over anyone who only had good intentions with me. But I'm learning that I don't deserve to be this way forever and I deserve happiness.

His conviction for me means that when women speak out, there's always that chance that they will prevail. Justice will always prevail and if it doesn't it will see the light of day soon. One less pig in this universe where runts like Weinstein roam free may not mean much, but for the millions of women who look at this case unfold as the years passed by, it means there's hope in this system that almost never sides with women to begin with.

At times, I wonder if I will ever forgive this person who hurt me and you know what? Even if I will never get justice in my lifetime for what he did, I just hope and pray that no other girl will have to feel like they need to make a choice between these two options I faced, on whether to pursue a painful battle for justice or to go on with life silently trying to get over.

(5/25/19)

It was never a skin to skin communication.

It wasn't initially powered by lust (as most forbidden romances should be)

But it nearly got there, and we both knew well and turned back.

I hear our hearts beat fast, our energies in hesitance

I sit beside you, a shirt fiber away, too afraid that any closer

will lead me to never letting you go

You sit beside me, and look at my hand that you long to grab

with my fingers locked to yours

We watch people around us, see cars pass by

but would then look into each others' eyes

What's in those eyes, what's in your mind?

I look farther into a corner, knowing this is as far as we will go

before others find out what they shouldn't know