You can call this an unexpected follow-up of a post I wrote here back in 2017 (http://agillandaway.blogspot.com/2017/10/im-speaking-out-in-time-of-harvey.html) but like how I began that entry, I will say that everyone knows that Harvey Weinstein is all over the news again. And for a reason that brought millions of people who are part of the #MeToo movement: Weistein is finally sentenced to 23 years in prison for first-degree criminal sexual act and third degree rape.

I see pictures of Weinstein walking in and out of the New York city courtroom, a bit frail and hunched back due to using those walkers. He was far from he man who exuded a lot of confidence, intimidation, and for the lack of a better term, TOXIC MASCULINITY. I feel no remorse at all, as anyone did, even with reports he suffered a "mild" heart attack after learning of his conviction.

On my personal journey, it has been a struggle to still accept. And I imagine with a Harvey Weinstein-esque mammoth of a person who violated me, it's still difficult to overcome the fear even after I started dating again.

In one of the testimonies of one of the women,  Weinstein used power to get women to do what he wants and if they don't he will remind them of how they are not even worthy. I am reminded at times, and in ways that still shake me to the core, of how I myself was reminded of never finding happiness in love. Because I was violated. Because I didn't please the violator. Because no one will believe me.

I can never compare my experiences to what other women in the Weinstein case experience but one thing clear is that no matter how long ago the action was done: a few years back, a decade ago, nearly over two decades; it will still hurt. And the mere thought of it, whatever type of sexual harassment it is, still makes a woman's wring and cause an ache that's inexplicably different.

I recently read this article from The Guardian written by one of the women Weinstein raped and all I can think of, despite the difference of circumstance of her situation versus mine, is that women suffer the most after they get harassed/raped. Model Tarale Wulff wrote something that really encapsulated how I feel even after so many years:

"Harvey Weinstein stole a part of my self-worth, treating me like I was nothing and I became fearful and mistrustful, not only of others but of myself."

After what happened, I became doubtful of any person who tried to get close to me. And even if I know in my heart I've gotten stronger as an individual, I recognize how things can get messy if I use that anxiety over anyone who only had good intentions with me. But I'm learning that I don't deserve to be this way forever and I deserve happiness.

His conviction for me means that when women speak out, there's always that chance that they will prevail. Justice will always prevail and if it doesn't it will see the light of day soon. One less pig in this universe where runts like Weinstein roam free may not mean much, but for the millions of women who look at this case unfold as the years passed by, it means there's hope in this system that almost never sides with women to begin with.

At times, I wonder if I will ever forgive this person who hurt me and you know what? Even if I will never get justice in my lifetime for what he did, I just hope and pray that no other girl will have to feel like they need to make a choice between these two options I faced, on whether to pursue a painful battle for justice or to go on with life silently trying to get over.