Never Walking Barefoot

September 10, 2022

Pretty used to walking independently now through life's moments

Note: This was written maybe a few months ago, let some close friends read it and one actually told me to post it. It was written during a time of deep reflection in life, after going through maybe a rough few months emotionally even if in the surface, I felt my most powerful and invisible. It was also around the time I spoke to the guy mentioned here again after a long time, talking about how life has been for us both. How he has found fulfillment through a new lady but is frustrated with his own professional growth. How I've been confused about which path in life to go after so many doors opened to me yet a person I loved prior closed his door for good. This was a reminder of how my life could have been like and how I prefer the much different turnout today despite the difficulties.


Watched Barefoot in the Park tonight, a story about the passion and turbulence of two young newlyweds, an outgoing and wacky woman, and her uptight lawyer husband. The film sparked a certain memory, or rather a former aspiration, from years ago.

Jane Fonda and Robert Redford play the young, just-married couple walking through life's turmoils and discovering their differences 


I'm 27. At this point, spending 90% of my 20s without a partner has given me more benefits and opportunities beyond what a naive and lovestruck 19-year-old college freshman wanted. A writing career? Check! Grad school? Check!

But then once upon a time, that young lady wanted to only be with her budding lawyer guy, marry him at 25, and move in with him in a tiny apartment as we figure adulting together. This lifetime didn't provide for that scenario and instead blessed me with a curly-haired slut who ruined it. All for the best though looking back.

The film evoked what-ifs but not in a way where I wished I had the chance to choose that option. What if I chose to be a young teacher drinking in a bar with a sweetheart preparing for the Bar? What if I was there building our own family instead of how I am still living with my family?

Of course, these are only what-ifs. He still occupies a special place in my heart, like all first loves do, but even he knew in this lifetime he eventually didn't want to be a lawyer anymore. I eventually knew I didn't want to be with him when we reached our mid-20s and he suggested we try it out again.

Maybe for a moment, at 25, I wanted to intersect a girlish fantasy with the reality I had then of being a journalist. But, I loved myself and what I turned out to be after realizing newer dreams and realizations that maybe being a young wife isn't for me. I could have been as ballistic as Jane Fonda who asked for a divorce towards the end of the film.

My life maybe is a Murakami novel. Random and unpredictable and frustrating. But, still something I read and look forward to as shocking events unfold. 

I am sure though, that I am not barefoot but I am walking and never stopping.

Dear Mr. Who

September 30, 2021

 




Dear Mr. Who,


Mr. Who? Who are you exactly? You could be anyone and I know you're real. I would have already known you or maybe I haven't yet. But whoever you are, that Mr. Who I'll eventually love, I want you to read this and follow intently.

If you happen to plan on coming my way, I beg of you don't. Please turn away if you plan to pursue my heart and win over my affection. Go chase some other lady who is readily available and will return these feelings back. I may never do so and time will only tell when I'll be ready again to put my heart out.

Before this letter came along a line of guys who have gone to great lengths in winning my heart but in the end, have distanced themselves when they realize they were not ready for me or anything serious. If you are not gonna fully put your heart on me, please don't even bother to ruin my peace.

 If you know in your heart that I may be the girl for you, please understand that I am not ready to be that girl yet. I am working on being my own person who will become more bulletproof to challenges as she is compassionate to others. 

I'm at this stage in my life where I finally draw the line and say "Okay, maybe I don't want to put my heart out there anymore." I gave it a chance and I gave myself, with the help of others, a push to finally open up to this feeling to love again. But I'm tired and I want to bet all my energy on something where I come out the winner: my personal growth.

I've been feeling more vulnerable lately after a lot of struggles bigger than what I can handle came my way. But in all these gargantuan challenges came also some opportunities I waited years for. These doors are leading not only to my passion but also to my purpose. While I am experiencing some agonizing lows, I'm also soaring to heights I only dreamt of.

I want someday that when you do cross my path and I happen to open my doors to my heart again, I am already the person I aspire to be. I will be that whole person who has overcome the challenges that shaped who she is--take it or leave it. 


Dear Mr. Who, I'm telling you that I am not yet ready for you...And I don't think you will ever be surely ready for me right now.



Left with No Choice

September 19, 2021



When I was in highschool, I remember having to turn down this guy because I just wasn't ready to have a boyfriend. Doors of college were already opening then and all I thought of was I'll be exposed to different people, different than those in the sleepy old small town in Taguig I spent my HS years in. One night, I received a phone call that I got a scholarship in DLSU while I was on another call on my cellphone with the guy who I just turned down. He told me this:

"What will you choose? Me or that scholarship?"

Of course, that was a no-brainer, and almost 8 years since that night, I never felt an ounce of regret for choosing what for me then was the only choice that mattered. (Don't feel too bad with the guy though. I learned recently he got married and had kids).

 However, the few years after that were spent with guilt-tripping from friends in our community religious group, for being this heartless bitch who turned down "genuine love" I never was interested in for something more self-serving and in an environment that is a breeding ground for sin.

Fast forward to adult life, I always faced situations where I was forced to choose between something that my heart always desired versus something that didn't exactly occupy prime real estate in any part of my being but acted like it was the best choice for me anyway.

Of course, there were times I had to choose between two things that I valued. Right after graduation, I had to choose between this writing opportunity of a lifetime in the journalism world or taking the higher education route where I was supposed to take my graduate studies and teach students. I chose journalism because choosing it didn't mean it canceled out the other choice: it just meant a little delay.

There were times though I was forced to choose between career or love. For me, these are types of unfair choices because it was inevitable on my end to choose the career I was passionate about yet I was subjected to the shame of hurting someone whom I never wanted enough to sacrifice everything for in the first place. I don't think there should be circumstances in life where you are supposed to choose between two difficult choices unless it is a matter of family, life, death.

Recently, I was told that I will eventually have to choose between my current job or my plans to study again. This is the real working world and it is reasonable why I'm suddenly pressured to choose between the two. But what if this was unfair on my end? Because I sacrificed so much to finally reach this point of readiness to go face classes again and yet, the present job which initially promised that it will accept my personal plans for growth just suddenly blindsided me to make a choice.

If I chose to go with what my heart desired, I know I will be happier but I will also be that girl who wasted everyone's time and was inconsiderate to have to make others understand my situation. If I chose to leave what my heart desired and fought for just to make the choice to please others, then I will be miserable but at least I will still keep my job.

In an ideal world, I would probably have a boyfriend who understood that I worked a lot or I would have had a job that sincerely supported my personal goals in life out of work.

Now, I'm this girl forced to choose. As if fate didn't have the power to be flexible a little for someone like me that has bent and broken herself to appease people who call me "unfair" for thinking of myself.


The Boy I Never Spoke About

May 09, 2021




 Note: Somewhat R-18 content. Do not read if you do not have an open mind and you will subject this writer to slut-shaming.

You were the boy I never mentioned during lunches with friends who talk about their significant others who give bouquets of flowers on their fancy dates. I never utter your name, not even think of it sometimes, when they ask who I'm seeing. Maybe the night or two before, I would be dressed up to meet you for a date. You would smile and look good yourself, but what we wore didn't matter if we had to take them off. 

Who are you exactly to me? You were not a terrible person to begin with; I've always found you handsome but not exactly someone I wanted to date and you thought the same of me either. 

Yet, we wanted each other in salacious fashion: I had that hunger to relish every inch of your skin and you had that impulse to satisfy all regions of my physique.

There were moments I wondered what if I tore up this imaginary agreement we had, binded by the fact we are two stressed out adults leading totally different lives who just want to have company for pleasure and play? I was always wary with men, but I felt I could trust you with anything.

But the thing was, I never actually liked you. 

Usually by day, we were our respective occupations. We were adults still maneuvering into this world and making our name in it. We were also kids trying hard not to disappoint our parents. We were humans who wonder what else was the meaning of life other than our present states and future plans.

Yet some sunny days...and some starry nights, when we had the free time to escape from our routine lives, I hopped onto your car as we cruised through crazy Manila, while speaking about what transpired in each others' lives before we go to where we would make "love."

And this goes on until night or the morning, as exact events were all but a blur that still manages to bring a pleasured smile on my face and a slight blush on my cheeks. What I was sure of was time was never wasted even if our voices were from all the action, the shouting, the losing of breath. What I remembered clearly was the stillness of looking into each other's eyes, as I position myself on top or you choke me down. What I adore of you is your mouth that spoke with firm but low voiced ideas during conversations but brushed against my chest while your tongue swirled around wherever your mouth landed.

We would be like this until one or the other started to date another person. We both knew when to back off but after a while, when things fizzle with a potential match, we would be each other's first person to dial up.

And while most calls lead to passionate trysts, there was never a time you ignored what I had to share on what went on with my life. I wondered if those times you listened to me, you felt forced to listen but it never felt like it did. You listened intently and knew you cannot solve anything but could only offer reassurance that I could get through life. 

For someone whose sole purpose to me as I was to you was someone to run to when we felt lonely and amorous, I realized you were one of the few men who knew how to respect me. We exhibited carnality but more importantly, observed consent when it was given or not . When I had moments I felt I did not want to be touched, you let me be. When I would express the limit I can do during our raunchy rendezvous, you listened.

In times I dated for romantic reasons, I would feel men pressure me into situations I felt I was not ready for. I felt men touch me in my body parts I did not consent them to during the first date. These were men who professed that they liked me, loved me, missed me, wanted to be with me. Yet, I felt like a dirty object to them. I was not conservative and had always been a little liberated, but it did not mean these decent dates could have an excuse to be lewd and crude.

Oddly, you never objectified me the way those guys did. Sure, you craved me like I craved you and we were animals mating in a lovers' bed but you never took advantage of me in times I did not give a green light. To you, I was not just girl you crumpled bed sheets with and slammed your weight on top of the bed; I was a writer who valued doing work ethically. I was a hopeless romantic who wanted a great love or nothing at all. I was a dreamer who is manifesting her aspirations into reality.

You would tell me that I was not just the promiscuity a number of men judged me for...because you knew I was not promiscuous at all. I was my brain and my words, even if we have seen each other in our most naked form beyond our flesh and sweat that collide but also our thoughts and beliefs.

I would feel your heat wrapped around me whenever we'd lay beside each other but the most magnetic sensation I never told you was my favorite was when you clasped your hands into mine, like you were the heat that gave me power. Whether you did this as you held me down during missionary or when I sat silently in the passenger seat of your car, you hook my soul into yours and remind me I will never be alone.

I joked that when I was not dating anyone, you were the anti-boyfriend. I trusted you and you trusted me because we both knew each other well enough that we were each others' safe places of sorts, a sort of calm safety we both feel even if we would trigger each other to loud moans and hard slaps.

I will appreciate the moments without expectation and hesitation beside you, lying down or standing up, or in whatever position we perform. If we cared for each other in a romantic sense, that we will never know. All I know is the sensation when you stand behind me as your lips trail on my neck. You hold me tighter, the nails on your hand digging a little deeper into my skin while you whisper how much you can't wait to have me like this again.

I will never consider my heart yours to own, yet this body and soul will be yours to detain by this burning ardor we don't sense with anyone, not even with our lovers, but only with each other. 

Poetry

Intimacy

March 16, 2021


3/16/21

You told me once, I give you intimacy

What exactly is intimacy?

Maybe for you it means the comfortable silences

during night drives

and the laughs in between drinks

and alcohol-laced kisses 

or it could be the fogged-up windows

on nights we're skin to skin

But if you show no interest when I reveal 

rare admissions from the deepest of my soul

How I sometimes feel my world falling apart

and you are not someone I could turn to

How I wanted consolation and comfort

other than a person I feel passion with

causing my heart to feel so far away from you

even if you're here looking into my eyes

Then I was never intimate with you

nor will you ever be with me


Let's Discuss

Women, We Choose

March 06, 2021

As long as I choose not to hurt anyone, I choose to be the kind of woman I want to be and no person has the right in judging that.


I recall weeks ago how a girl friend ranted on her social media how more conservative relatives of hers looked down on her "choices" in being sexually active and deem her as someone irresponsible despite her being one of the most intelligent and feisty girls I know. After a short exchange of how, also as a fellow woman whose unpopular choices herself are questioned and reflected away from other things I accomplish, we just decide to "do our own thing" because ultimately it's us girls in the end who live our lives.  I do also remember saying to her, "Work hard, play hard, fuck the hardest."

With that said, I am not speaking down to girls who choose not to embrace their sexuality fully and openly. If they feel that being reserved is how they contain their worth and their security lies in being conservative, then I say they should never change it! 

I write this because a friend of mine told me how other friends of his urge him to ask me out, so they can "change me" into someone that is at least acceptable to their standards, to be what a woman should technically be. It's a preposterous thought to have, because it puts women in a binary. I'm admittedly not the best example for the prim and conservative type which, for a number of people, makes me a "bad" and "easy" woman to which friends who know me well know that I am also far from those.

But what makes a woman's choice in everything she does, a full reflection of her character based on a perception by the general public? I understand that part, but aren't choices in most situations predetermined already depending on the circumstance a woman faces? It's not like all the time, some girl says "Oh wow I think I'm gonna do this" out of nowhere. In most cases especially in our everyday lives, our choices are already based on what are the most accessible and doable options given.

At my age, I see girls married with kids; a type of woman some tell me is "accomplished." On my end, I have my own definitions on what I think is considered an "accomplishment" but when my desires and goals are pitted against someone else's, especially if that person leans on the gender stereotype, then that's when my choice suddenly becomes the determinant on why I'm suddenly this "unaccomplished, useless" woman.

By any means, there is nothing wrong when a woman wants to choose having a family and getting married--but there is nothing wrong either if a woman also chooses not to have those and the critics can just shut up about it as if they can provide anything better for women to choose or be held liable when a woman is unhappy being coerced into something she doesn't want.

Dressing up and presenting a certain way is also another thing that women get falsely judged for and treated quite unfairly in many situations. I wear plunging necklines and tight clothing; I sometimes pose seductively for the camera; and I'm not shy in showing I drink occasionally. Yet somehow, I'm perceived as reckless and promiscuous or have done things in a malicious way to get ahead.

My mom warns me once in a while what I choose to do in my free time sometimes could repel the best or worthy people even if professionally I do really well, since people will always have a perception on ladies being "lady-like". I look back at things I do outside of work and think how I have never even done a crime; I don't spend every free time drinking my kidneys out to weariness; and I don't sleep around. Why does the hemline of my skirt or occasional cigarette smoking suddenly a reason for someone to be repelled by me as a whole--without even looking into what I do most of the time which is work ethically and responsibly!

I remember some time ago, "choice feminism" was a thing. Simply put, it's defined as a woman's choice being an act of feminism because each action is done out of her own decision.  Personally, I understand the debate against it which is really, feminism is fighting for an equitable environment for women as opposed to choice feminism is more individualist. However, it does raise the fact that there is this oppression against women on what they choose.

There is always empowerment in having the right to choose and knowing that our choice is our choice alone which no one should be shaming you for, but sometimes my biggest critics to my own choices as a woman were women themselves who choose to put me in a binary or pit me against women they know are what they think are "decent" and "acceptable." Because they are women themselves who have the wisdom to know what I should do or not.

Also, what I choose to project to the public is also not a license to feel violated. I experienced some boys thinking they can touch me a certain way, violating the fact I never gave consent, because I'm not prude. But, they will choose to respect a girl who chooses to not be as liberated. Just because a lady is liberated doesn't mean she's easy and that's the only thing that makes her as a whole.

I believe a woman's choice is something you cannot take away. It is her autonomy, her personal right. It may be shaped by surroundings around her and it may be also molded by her personal preferences, but that's hers alone. I think people need to get to know someone first before making a judgment and before making judgment, at least not have an archaic opinion on things.

And while choice is autonomous, it's not exclusively so in some situations. Depending on what decision-making she's faced with, choices a woman makes also affects women around her. So if you choose to impose what you think on a woman who is doing something that is not harmful to anyone around her, just because it's not agreeable to what you know, then there lies a problem in choice.

I used to think it was mainly the patriarchy I had to ward off when I made choices that weren't always agreeable or acceptable to many but I realize it's just people in general I have to defend myself from, as if  I'm a woman who needs to fit a certain mold to be considered a great one.


Poetry

China (Poem)

February 24, 2021



Hey everyone!

Wow, my first post for this 2021! It has been a crazy two months on my end but I never forget to write a little on the side. 

This poem was actually the first one I wrote for the year last January. The title says it really; formerly liking a person who is fragile and hard to navigate. And, a little inspired by "China" by Furns which is one of my all time fave songs.

It took me a while to think about posting this here but well, it's all in the past now--as vases gather dust in maintaining pristine and untouchable. :) 


China by yours truly