A Pokemon on the loose before reality and adulting caught her. Photo by CL Pagaduan

No one ever told me that once you reach the brink of getting out there in the real world, even your own supposed Plan As and Plan Bs aren't enough to prepare yourself.

I've always been the type of girl who knew what she wanted to do in life. For starters, I grew up knowing I wanted to pursue writing, mostly in reporting or journalism. As I got into college, my paths lead me to the education route. I then realize maybe, I could be a professor who could teach people about the great works in literature and about how awesome English is.

I didn't mind Eduk kasi kahit noong bata ako, naimagine ko rin sarili ko bilang guro at oks na oks ako diyan.


Fast forward to this time last year, when I was already starting my final term in college. While my practicum of teaching in school for a few months was immensely life changing(which I hope to detail those accounts very soon in my blog), I suddenly felt really lost.

I felt lost in a sense because I'm just one step away from graduation and yet, all these elaborate plans of me taking my masters degree right after college while teaching was suddenly something I became unsure of. Not that I wouldn't want to do those; I still see myself doing it in the future, but it felt more like wondering if those are the exact things I'd want as my next big step right after college.

Sometimes in life, you feel you want something and once you're about to reach it, you question if you actually want it enough.

On my end, I wanted to feel more in life. Not that teaching won't make me any more fulfilled because it actually is very fulfilling, but I thought "Is that all there is to it?" I spent four years as an Eduk major, learning the ropes in a field I thought I was so sure to break into after getting my diploma. I've faced countless of teaching demos and read a plethora of books; what's stopping now, right?

I'm pretty much in love with my degree but like actual love (Charot [Not]), am I ready to pursue it?

I find myself relating to many of the people I knew in college who don't know what they want in life. It's not the matter of what I'd want to be in the future but more of what I want to do right now--and if that thing I'm doing right now will actually be useful once I figure out who I really want to be.

With so much that happened last year, it was hard for me to keep track with my original goals: I once considered leaving everything behind and just stay in a different country where I don't know anyone and not a single person who hurt me would be around. I remember last year, so much injustice was done to me so I thought maybe I'll go to law school to be a prosecutor(to the delight of my family then AWOW HAHAHA).

I told myself okay, so maybe I'm still uncertain with what comes next after spending most of my life in school, but at least I know what stuff I like and what hobbies I want to do.

I focused on writing--poetry, short stories, and plays. I spent my down time reading lots of literature I liked. I watched old films and documentaries. As much as possible, I immersed myself in things I enjoyed so I could have an idea with what I wanted to do.

But one thing remained clear even if my post-college occupation isn't: I always dedicate my actions PARA SA BAYAN. People find it funny that I can be so nationalistic and always blurt "Para sa bayan!" in random situations but that has always been my vision and mission in life.

While I've had the typical existential crisis of a college student, life has lead me to opportunities I never expected. Even more funny is life alone did not lead me there; I DID. While it was the most anxious and dreadful feeling to be uncertain of what to do next, I learned if you will try hard enough in investing in the kind of person you need to be now, you'll be alright in the future.

Regardless of whatever confusion I had, I still aimed to study hard til the end. I took opportunities that allowed me to take risks. I put myself out there as much as I could, even if I don't know where life would take me.

Right now, I look back gratefully at that phase in my college life, which even extended until the first two months after graduation. Sometimes, I feel it's that sudden hesitance with my goals that lead me to doing journalism unexpectedly and it was doing journalism that made me realize how this country needs so much help. I feel inspired to get back on track with my original goals but at the same time, my journey now as a reporter is far from over.

My advice for the college kids who think they know what they want to do but suddenly aren't sure anymore or the college kids who still have no idea, just know that everyone's journey is different but the only proponent that will lead you to where you have to be once you get into the real world is YOU. Identify your passions and it doesn't necessarily have to be a profession; it could be something like food or traveling, depends on you. Concentrate also on what you want to do right now and deviate from what you're supposed to do after this moment.

Lastly, don't be afraid when a door opens for you right now. You'll never know where it will lead you! But if makapal mukha mo tulad ko, do it a step further and open your own doors. I recall visiting universities I planned to take my masters degree in but at the same time, also learn about law schools and applied for jobs in different fields. I had to say no to some opportunities and push back some original plans of mine once I felt right with a certain opportunity which is my job right now.

 It will confuse you and at times, you feel you're wasting time and energy, but in the end I learned what I wanted to do at the moment and what I saw myself in the future. Parang nagtataya ka lang ng Super Lotto tapos Go Bananas diba? Taya dito, taya doon pero para sa sarili mo!

Life, simply, just does its magic during the process.