Story time:

Some time ago, my Dad caught me crying. He asked me why but of course, I didn't feel like sharing it to him. Since my heart felt like it was tearing apart and I was more broken that I ever felt, I admitted to him that it was because of a boy. I remember clearly what I told my Dad; I stressed at how tired I was when some guy comes along, great as he is and in the end I'd just be disappointed because he'd never fully be compassionate and understanding of what I went through in life.

He only simply told me, an old grumpy man who isn't really that soft and compassionate to begin with, that I should pray for a good person.

Pray. Not for the ideal, predictable prince charming but for a good person.

Fast forward now, I'm much more kind to myself to know I don't deserve an asshole.

I see some people I know who stay in toxic relationshits and tell me that they stay because they don't deserve a love that's better. I see some people who like 'pwede na' guys because they tell me there is no way they can't find men any better than who they settle for.

I wish people know that in looking for love, it's good to have standards. But--and I myself have experienced it--we tend to forget those standards when we meet the person who suddenly makes our hearts beat and daydream endlessly.

But, we never realize that we deserve something good.

Good in a sense that our feelings mask what we actually deserve. A killer smile and an impressive brain are sexy traits for me but those will never compare to someone who's kind and understanding.

No matter how much I'll enjoy your company or I'll fall for your being or I'll feel dazzled in dates, I'll be filled with doubts once I realize you will never get the kind of abuse I went through in life. I will be turned off if I see you won't understand why I would have breakdowns. I will immediately reject you if you aren't sensitive enough to whatever pain I felt and still feel.

No mater how great you are in other aspects, no matter what.

Men have been unkind to me before so why settle for one who is only half as kind?

Up to this day, I still pray for a good person but more than praying for a good person, I pray that every person out there is also good. I guess we all deserve a person who isn't cruel. The world is already terrible as it it; would you want to be with someone who isn't, as well?

I pray that also, I'm kind to myself. It's easy to hate myself and break down whenever I am reminded of my painful past and my ongoing battle with depression. If I allow someone into my life, at least he should remind me to be kind to myself and be kind to me as well, even if I feel like an awful person.