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| NAGMAHAL (ang commodities tulad ng bigas at galunggong), NASAKTAN (dahil natulakan sa tren noong nagcommute ako), NAG DARK LIPSTICK (Kasi trip ko lang) |
If you've been friends with me personally, you'll definitely know that I love love love love love makeup (and those repetitive love's aren't enough). I grew away from my dependency from it as explained in a past post but that doesn't mean I won't use makeup when I have the choice.
Makeup has been sort of an extension of my mood. Feeling playful? Wear colorful shadow! Feeling classic? Wear a cat-eye! Feeling pabebe? Wear a conspicuous amount of blush! Feeling fierce? Wear my MAC Ruby Woo or Diva!
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| An actual depiction of me beholding the powers of a great black liquid liner pen. |
But my love for makeup goes beyond watching the latest Youtube beauty gurus or lusting over the latest product launches. While I was transparent in this blog about what I went through last year (2017 being the worst year in my life), I realize some of the things that helped me cope was makeup.
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| Me after spending lots on makeup I don't need/spending hours on reading beauty articles/ watching tutorials or reviews on Youtube |
Makeup has always been therapeutic for me especially last year. I've been open about my Bipolar 2 in my blog and when those moments that triggered so much of my breakdowns happened last year, I knew I had to hide evidence of bruises from hurting myself and the swollen eyes from all the crying.
Besides my depression, 2017 had a point of me being a victim of sexual harassment(to put it subtly). I'd had moments I questioned my self worth as a woman. I'll tell you that it was one of the lowest points for me to just look in the mirror and feel I'm a filthy and ugly person.
But makeup, my war paint, was something I slapped on my pale face after spending the whole night awake and afraid of getting nightmares. Makeup, my war paint, was something I smoothed over the swelling skin around my eyes to hide the fact that I cried hard 10 times today. Makeup, my war paint, was what I dabbed on my trembling lips to remind me I have to be brave today.
Makeup has helped me put my best face forward even if emotionally, I was filled with so much fear. Makeup convinced me that while physically I suffered from all the stress and trauma, my face didn't have to show so.
The rebellion of using makeup has only gotten stronger this year. If makeup pushed me to face my challenges in 2017, makeup for me now has become my way to experiment especially in this year of risks and surprises. Yellow eyeshadow? Purple eyeliner? Mink lipstick? Exag lip liner? Korean drunk blush? (Yaaas, and the more conspicuous than conspicuous blush look of mine will never die)
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| Dilawan!!! Yung eyeshadow!!! |
Now, you might think that it's quite shallow for me to get such courage from something like makeup. I'll be honest when I say that I really don't need makeup. Whatever power it holds may be superficial for many, but it's really just like a fake smile that's scientifically proven to make you feel genuinely happy. I'm not really born a girl whose eyebrows are expertly penciled in nor whose lipstick is perfectly applied yet it makes me feel I have much more fighting chance when I make myself up as if I am.
Let's face it: when a girl wears really beautiful makeup--whether done on her or done by herself--you'll see light in her eyes; that "I can look like this pala" type of realization. For me, that's the reason why I fix myself up. So many people have come into my life and tried to take the light away from it and for me, it's eyeliner that makes my eyes pop or lippie that shocks people that will show everyone you can't dim me down.
I think it's that moment I knew I was worth so much more than how people have pushed me around before that made me learn to accept what I see in the mirror. Cliche as it may sound, but true beauty starts with the way I view myself and while I still have so much to repair, I also need to be more confident and stronger with how I look.
I mean, don't people feel a sense of rejoice when they see people they don't like look shitty? Isn't the way we look also something people notice and the mere stop of fixing one's self is something people talk about? We don't have to look bad so we can feed the egoes of bad people, kek.
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| How I look at myself in the mirror versus.... |
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| ....How I look when I look at the mirror lol |
When people have given me reasons to make me feel ashamed to the extent that deep inside I just don't want to bother existing, makeup is that middle finger flicked at everyone. It shows them that despite them wanting to put me down, I'll still be here anyway while having my best face forward.
And I think that's the type of rebellion I'm down for: When society tells me that I have to look dowdy and unkempt because I'm a victim because I was overpowered or I'm "kawawa" because I have depression but makeup makes me feel like a survivor who rose beyond people's expectations.
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| I may have shed so much tears before but now my eyes only cry glitter |
Makeup makes me feel audacious, but I'm not totally reliant on it to the point that it will lose my self-esteem if I don't have any color on my face. There's something really courageous about a girl who still learns to pick herself up when everyone expects her to go on a downward spiral. You'll see a lady whose world is probably falling apart but she still walks in the room, perfectly made up and still ready to get through life.
What matters most is you don't allow yourself to be a slave to makeup; you wear the makeup and it shouldn't wear YOU! Makeup helps give me a boost but I know, all my strength really comes from within especially when I know I have a whole lot of battles to face.
Makeup is just my war paint.
