Hey everyone!

Wow, my first post for this 2021! It has been a crazy two months on my end but I never forget to write a little on the side. 

This poem was actually the first one I wrote for the year last January. The title says it really; formerly liking a person who is fragile and hard to navigate. And, a little inspired by "China" by Furns which is one of my all time fave songs.

It took me a while to think about posting this here but well, it's all in the past now--as vases gather dust in maintaining pristine and untouchable. :) 

China by yours truly

I've been writing year-end posts in my blog since 2017. I've always discussed about lessons I learned and accomplishments I achieved. For this 2020 though, I want to tackle on exploring my purpose amid the pandemic since 2020 has been a difficult year for everyone.

I started this 2020 with so much hope and aspirations more than I had the years before. I told myself, this will be the year I will finally study. This will be the year I will move on professionally. This will be the year I will do big milestones like travelling alone or moving out of my house. 

The thing with this virus, it became this microscopic push behind evaluating the gargantuan goals I set myself. I will say that the quarantine ruined everything--or I can look at it as the virus delayed plans so I can assess myself before pushing through with them.

One of the biggest issues for me is my role as a journalist during the quarantine. Some people I know are like, "Oh, she's a journalist! Frontliner!" and then others are like "She doesn't do much! Never even left the house!"

I guess it hurt to hear comments that I may be like this but don't do the extra mile like my colleagues do. Or to get belittled because writing news from virtual briefings is "easy" because it's just there already to view from the comforts of home.

The doubts on the relevance of what I do emphasized more when I felt helpless watching every struggle others were experiencing on the screen instead of being actually there to help. But if I were physically present, would I have done something to help?

Another question I asked myself is if journalism was for me. It was not a question I ever asked because I know this is what I want to do but when a superior once told me that I was not meant to be one--that I was the worst writer he knew--and that I should consider resigning, of course it made me think.

There were many times my own morals and beliefs were tested and sticking to them was always the best decision for me and even the job I have. However, I sometimes felt punished for it, for proving others wrong and for making others look bad, when my only sole purpose is everything I write out there is factual and with integrity.

Mistakes I made became magnified this year. Because there's this thought, you're at home and everything is just there for you to watch so how can you fuck up? I will do my job consistently well but the few times I slipped over things I cannot even control, I felt like the worst failure and that I was unworthy of being a journalist.

I recently accepted my second journ award but also within that week I did, I received a scolding that I was the most disappointing writer out there. My mind gravitates to the side where I believe I'm great but then it also lures into the depressing end of knowing I suck.

I always remind myself that being a reporter now is more than just writing a briefing that was live online or in Zoom. I wait hours on end for speeches and meetings, even on my off-days, out of obligation and the art of my work. My mind gets overwhelmed by different consecutive briefings daily and it's harder to write on them considering the time constraint of a newspaper press. One also needs to think fast when the news changes drastically one minute to next because the government obviously does not cooperate well together.

I want to finish writing this with a resolution that's happy and motivating after the tumultuous existential crisis as a writer I faced this year but I think that's impossible and I won't force myself to close this post with something inauthentic. I won't lie that there were those rare moments I did fall out of love with what I do yet here I am still fighting.

Love is a choice. I chose to love the country and serve it by loving my purpose as a writer. There were times that my heart beating fast was due to anxiety more than excitement but in the end, I want to do this. My heart has always been in this. Almost three years a journalist and surviving this year, there's so much more to navigate so why do I have to stop now?

To the powerful and greedy, the monsters that haunted me...

I kept my silence for the longest time, as all the scrutiny hovered over my head like storm clouds and overpouring rains. It soon died down but my wounds soon turned to scars that will forever remind me of what I never wanted to happen but already did.

I thought the stage of trauma will never leave and I still tear up when I'm left alone with thoughts of the past. More than the actual series unfortunate events, the aftermath was unfortunately worse. I will be judged as that girl who foolishly got lured in and the girl stupid enough to not fight back.

If I can describe being frozen the moment you took over me lasted until now as I flashback a year later, it will never be encapsulated. I'll just be that one others say who wanted it to happen, because I allowed it to, because consent took the best of me more than fear.

Whatever happened could've been avoided, right? Rather than you having better judgment to not even put me in that position?

I will never fight back. You and the rest, however, can throw all the rocks my way. You all can take everything away from me, as if riches and power isn't enough. You would want my dignity stripped off even more, like the way those clothes dropped in the bedroom floor, like the way my worth fell knowing I'm not worth helping bringing justice regarding this.

You are all cowards. You tried to silence me, strip me off the only things I had, and force me to forget so everyone can move on. How could I move on? I only had my education that was nearly taken away and my self-esteem that suddenly reached an all time low. I felt myself sinking, because I'm not worth fighting the truth for, I'm not worth even being a fighter in the first place against people like you.

All of us moved on. I find myself having to push myself harder to ultimately gain back everything I lost as I watched all of you live life extravagantly and unremorsefully. You will never understand how that in rebuilding myself, I occasionally crack and have to start all over again.

But you will never bring me down, not today.

2018 is a fresh start for me, as bent flowers bloom and sprout and open wounds close and heal. I want to fight back but this society is too sick, because money matters only and never the truth. I'll just watch myself rise until someday, I will see you all meet your doom.

I will never fight back. You all may have beaten me black and blue and remove all color that once resided in my vivid personality, but I still feel a little pulse in me and a sign of life despite your attempts to die me down. You will never put a good girl down, even if your evil has reigned for God knows how long.

To the man who hurt and violated me and to the men who knew about their friend's vileness but chose to stay silent, may you someday feel my pain much more than I have now.

For the longest time, I have watched you disgusting men love whoever you love like the doting angels you are but someday, not only will the women you love see how horrible you are but know you have hurt women of their kind. One day, you will be married and have daughters and how I wish the women in your life never experienced the injustice I did. I wish to see the day the women that mattered in your life learn how disgusting you men are as human beings because no one deserves monsters in their life--and no one should go away unscathed from the sins done.

My words will be my only form of power. The time will come when I'll speak out not because I was never brave before but because I just have more power to defend myself. The power belongs to the men who think they can bring down women, but you know who between us both has the power to win.

I know I'll be stronger, or maybe I just already am.

...which, were not written out of love, but the ink spent in placing words fooled me that I did felt like it was about to come. That you were special enough to even be associated with such languid language and amorous affirmations.

These were letters you never received, only because I was unsure even when you offered your heart and the world. Uncertainty turned to be true. Uncertainty turned to be disappointing. Uncertainty that kept me from bartering my heart with yours too soon, you who proclaimed to the world was sure with me and that stars aligned to bring you my way. The very same stars that drifted me away from you.

These were letters written in light blush-colored paper with stark, inky black pen professing the softest of my being you turned me to when I was with you.

One letter I wrote mentioned how happy you made me in the longest time. That you were this dreamy knight who offered only affection and laughter. A towering figure I'd look up and adore, just before you'd kiss me in the forehead. A soft voice that assured will never hurt me nor make me cry.

One letter I wrote was on the day you suddenly bickered at me out of nowhere and had to say those things that brought me to tears, as if you were the very monster I feared. How I still wanted to calm you down when you burned the bridges even further, making me feel I was farther away from you--and it was the right thing to stay so.

I've had history wasting the best of word constructions I could ever write to the worst boy who only knew how to crumple paper. I had a past of burning up letters as I watch them turn into ashes after a few seconds, as if I never spent sleepless nights on how to make these letters encapsulate how I truly felt.

Your words showed how you were vexed, a soul that was seething. How were you the same person who only had lovely things to say and I felt that I could map out the most beautiful of texts from my soul's literature? 

I guess...you'll be the last of the letters I rarely made in this lifetime until possibly someone else comes along and actually feels my heart in my handwriting. I tell you the letters I tried to keep as the girl who did not want to be kept by you. Never will you have that knowledge of how much you possessed my heart which at one point, only wanted to paint its feelings with words that the universe kept me from saying to you.

These were words you will never read and feelings I will never orally say back to you.

I don't really get curious by hype but if it is intriguing enough for me, I do try to find out if it's worth the buzz myself.

I've seen so much local lipstick launches this year even with the virus crisis and to be honest, none ever comes as near as the attention the new Powder Pout Lipstick of Detail Cosmetics garnered. It is a great marketing strategy because all 12 shades are in collaboration with local vloggers. Plus, the brand is quite affordable so I definitely see these lipsticks selling out. (IT HAS FOR LOTS OF ITS SHADES. TWICE--AND ONLY SEVEN DAYS SINCE IT LAUNCHED)

I admit, this is probably my weak point because I follow really only a few beauty content creators whether local or foreign and stay loyal to them for years but I am familiar with most Detail collaborated with. However, because of budget constraints and the fact buying a vlogger lippie of a vlogger I don't personally follow is the cosmetic junkie's version of wearing a band t-shirt of artists I've never heard of, I decided to buy only two shades: Raiza Contawi and Toni Sia. 

I love LOOOVE the boxes so much!

I learned to wear makeup when I was grade school and highschool because of magazines and blogs but in college, that's when I started following tutorials and watching beauty reviews and one of the local ones I do follow is Ms. Rai because 1.)  I love her reviews and 2.) She's an actual makeup artist. Toni Sia on the other hand, just comes in my suggestions quite often and actually has good beauty reviews I watch, too. I mean, I work hard for my money so I better check good reviews for makeup that also works hard for me too, right?

Now on to the lipstick....

I owned one Detail Cosmetics lipstick before and it's this gray colored lippie I've only worn once AND to work during my fresh grad days when I still had remnants of my edgy college self who wore dark lipstick sometimes. And I hated that formula because it was a little shiny and slick but felt heavy for me; like you feel the lipstick on your lips although not as heavy as cement like the way it looked.

The only Detail lipstick I owned prior to the Powder Pout which is heavy, greas,y and kinda patchy for such a bold color

The Powder Pout Lipstick is the exact opposite of that: it's matte and feels light on the lips which I will detail Get it? DETAIL? Charot. It is quite soft and easy to ruin if you are not super careful with the bullet but I accepted not all lipsticks remain immaculate when they're in my possession and I actually use them. Also, I've heard many descriptions on what the smell is from chocolate to popcorn to Play Doh to vanilla and I can confirm that it CAN smell like all those of those but actually, the scent reminds me of butter flavored Nissins wafers specifically. (Yes, the ones in the yellow wrapper!) Although Toni's shade smells much more buttery than Raiza's, which has hints of rubber and chocolate. WOW SCENT MASTER RACE

ALSO, THE PACKAGING IS GORGEOUS--FROM THE BOX TO THE ACTUAL BULLET.

It has a powdery soft finish as opposed to a fully opaque matte finish but this can be built up to make it that way.

Let's talk about the shades I picked up because I think it's the colors, as much as the formula, that makes them my favorite. My very VERY very favorite of the two is Raiza Contawi's! Detail described Raiza's shade, surprisingly called "Raiza Contawi", as a "subtle pink and brown." I'll be that girl who will say, as someone who owns her brownish pinks and pinky browns, this does not have even an ounce of brown. It's more beige based and is an old rose that surprisingly doesn't pull a little purple. All I can say is, it's the only pink lipstick I will buy from now on, no shit. This, and Maybelline Superstay Matte Ink in Delicate. I'm very picky with pinks and I think Raiza Contawi's is a winner.

Raiza's shade is that universal shade of pink which I haven't quite seen so much in other brands

Toni Sia's shade is that sweet light peach that makes you look so sweet and innocent which I fail to be but hey, this lipstick can fool you

I compared the formula with powder matte finishes of other local brands. The formula actually reminds me of my favorite bullet lipstick which is the Sunnies Face Fluffmatte which feels so smooth and a little whipped on the lips. Yes, the finish on the lips is similar with other offerings but what makes this stand out is how creamy it feels when you swipe it on. Sunnies Face is much pigmented and creamy but a little-JUST LIKE, 12%--more heavy than Detail but Detail feels much smoother on the lips so I don't mind building the color on my lips since it feels so buttery yet light. Penshoppe's Beauty Pop HydraMatte Lipstick is also something I wear often but is not as smooth as both lipsticks. It actually tugs but I tolerate it because it smells like marshmallows and it feels more lightweight than the usual matte lipstick.

Lasting power is impressive for a bullet lipstick. Of course, it transfers if it comes to contact on any surface but it does wear out evenly throughout the day and it leaves a subtle stain. It doesn't dry out the lips and with it being a "powder matte", it blurs lip liners and smoothens out flakes upon application.

Toni and Raiza's shades are above while Sunnies Face in Vacay and Penshoppe in Girl Next Door are in the bottom. Specifically chose the lower two thinking they'd be a dupe but nope. Far from it.

The Powder Pout is comfortable to wear and with the Detail makeover line having shades in the line that I feel cater more to the Pinay skin tones, I think Detail Makeover is the clear winner for me. AND IT'S 199 PESOS EACH. BARGAIN REALLY

Do I recommend this lipstick? The answer is obviously yes and I wonder why I even asked. They're selling like hotcakes on Shopee and Lazada and I see a great reason why! The other vlogger shades seem much more brown based to me but that's not a bad thing for me and are all gorgeous shades! It's just I have similar shades already in my arsenal so I guess Raiza and Toni's colors are just enough for me at the moment. However, if I could, I'd definitely want to get Rei Germar's(which is a deep brownish nude), or Angel Dei's (which looks like a dead on dupe of my one of my fave lipsticks, Sunnies Face Fluffmatte in Vacay!).

On my eyes: Colourpop Going Coconuts Eyeshadow Palette(Put Shredded all over my lid until my lower brows then Coolada on my crease which is followed by Get Crackin all over my eyelid as a blended it extensively using the brush I used for Coolada in a cat eye shape. Added Coolada and Get Crackin' on the lower lashline then deepened the outer corner of my eyes with Nutty. Topped the lid with Coco Crush), Focallure Liquid Eyeliner pen On my cheeks: Maybelline City Bronzer in 200, Focallure Monochromatic Duo Blush in 01 Soft Apricot, Wet n Wild Megaglo Highlighter in Bloom Time On my lips: Mixed both Raiza and Toni on my lips

Another thing Detail Cosmetics Powder Pout did right...

I've seen a number of lipstick launches during the past two years and personally, this is the one launch I've seen much more audiences gravitated towards to. This isn't the first time I bought lipstick out of hype but this is probably the first time I felt I identified myself more with the product, from price point to shades to the formula. It's as if the actual product isn't just something marketed with a famous influencer's face just to earn profit but this product is actually made for US Filipinas and Filipinos by people we idolize and a brand that's easily accessible. Even the promotion of the product in its social media isn't solely just the faces of influencers but faces of actual Pinoys and Pinays who truly enjoyed the product and are excited to have a piece produced by their idols.

I felt the need to bring this up because some lipstick launches, although the common theme nowadays for local makeup brands is "universal representation" in terms of shades, seemed to fall short in some aspects in terms of making the customer "valued". Let's talk about another pretty big lipstick launch a few months ago from another local brand which is pretty steep in price for a scented lip product that barely lasts. While I've seen lots of other girls fork on these lipsticks that cost more than the daily minimum wage locally and post how much they love it on their media, the brand itself chose to only repost IG stories, social media posts, and testimonials of influencers they probably gave free PR boxes of the whole range to. While there is a target market for each brand, there are many of those like me who went out of our way to buy such a pricey product and post our humble reviews only to feel like we're snubbed by the actual brand.

Speaking of shades, another lipstick launch last year released a line of "universal" nudes which in most reviews I've watched barely even passed for most skintones except the content creators who made the line, which is much more inspired by Western influences. I'm alright with brands being inspired by foreign concepts but we can build it to adjust what works for the audience locally, right? And build nude shades that are actually flattering and universal which never include peanut butter tans or cool-toned beiges or dull poop browns.

I do like products from these two brands I just mentioned but I just wish they don't act like the lifestyle they endorse is much more unattainable to a general market yet they promote their products as if it's a necessity to human kind, because of either the aesthetics that copy other minimalist brands or the "skin-friendly" chuchu they advocate.

This is in no way to put brands against each other in this diverse market we have locally. However, if you see in the brand's promotion more pictures, stories, and testimonials of happy and giddy customers that are the average Pinay who adore the one or two lipsticks they buy from the line more than posts and reviews of super stylized women who have the whole collection for free, I guess a brand is doing the promotion to the customer right by showing value to them. That these products are not created for the IG famous lot who will probably only get another PR box of another whole range lipstick line and leave whatever lipstick they just promoted to gather dust but the everyday Pinoy and Pinay who love to wear makeup and wear that makeup along with a real purpose.

When the race to get engaged or get married is as cutthroat as countries developing a cure for COVID-19....

Bridesmaid duties for now

Note: This post was written at an earlier date so some events transpired after writing this, such as breakups or cancelled events. However the message of this writer still remains clear.

It seemed like another day of seeing a friend on social media, smiling widely as she holds up her hand to show off her latest accessory: a simple engagement ring that is as sparkly as her thrilled eyes. However this time is different since her post came with a disclaimer that they wore masks at all times during the special moment her guy popped the question.

The day before this, I learned another friend got married as he posted on the same social media platform his "new normal" wedding; social distancing in the church and the bride wearing a mask that matched her equally lacey white dress with some sequined detail. 

Before the virus pandemic, it was like my norm already hearing someone I went to school with suddenly getting married or expecting a child. But hearing news like this, particularly about engagements, seems different now that times will never be the same again. It feels like a race for those who are in relationships to cement the connection for a lifetime, as if the virus might cause a zombie apocalypse or the end of the world.

However, this race to forever with someone isn't a race against those people around us who are getting engaged but rather, a race against fear over how much this virus has taken away and how much more it could still do so. It has stolen a lot of these: time, lives, and security. This same virus that is ravaging the world mercilessly and how it will take away much more ambitions and aspirations for the far future as it took away plans and goals of the present time and near future. 

This virus took away jobs of people and closed down businesses. This virus also claimed lives for some who caught the sickness and for those who survive it, have lived in fear and doubt over experiencing the world the same way they did before getting sick.

This race to forever with someone isn't a race against those people around us who are getting engaged but rather, a race against fear over how much this virus has taken away and how much more it could still do so.

 

I will tell you that this pandemic, in many ways, has ruined a number of plans I had for myself: grad school, new work, and moving out. Ever since I was younger, I always had a Plan B in life if certain paths take me somewhere far from the one I mainly had my eyes on. But this pandemic distorted that because it felt like a never-ending isolation from the real world, if it actually does still exist, and having no choice but to remain immobile in this house. 

I mean, marriage isn't a goal I see myself reaching in the next few years but the possibility I feel it will happen in this lifetime is highly likely. With the unpredictability of things now and how it is taking forever to end, what if my somewhat hazy but undeniable certainty to be married and the still-inexistent yet indisputable plans I have for my future husband will also be stolen away from me the way it did with concrete plans to improve my life independently right now?

Recently while we were out, the guy I'm dating raised the issue on when is an ideal time to get married and have children, although not in a serious way but more for a conversational matter. With him being a little older than I am and already far off in his career as I still try to carve out mine, it's pretty clear he wants it sooner than I do since I still have to reach my target of finishing my masters and then my doctorate, which could take maybe up to 10 years. 

There is no coercion in diving immediately to the life of being a wife and mother right now, but this pandemic definitely made discussing about it sooner than waiting a bit later to talk about that future. That talks like this, pre-COVID-19, were normally spared because there is no rush to it. Now, it's like a world war 3 or a new pandemic is highly likely with all the tension this COVID-19 brought.

And remember: this pandemic has ALSO been the reason someone's marital plans were on hold. I've seen dream weddings cancelled because large scale events aren't allowed or because budgets have become tighter as people lose livelihood or people away from their loved ones because of the travel ban.

I think with this COVID-19 crisis, we just appreciate people more in our lives like how we express our admiration more for them, regardless of who they are like family or friends or lovers. For some of us, it will mean getting down on one knee and asking a partner's hand in marriage.

But is it right that, amid the unnecessary pressure of the surge of friends we know who are engaged, to do the same? All I can say is this is about one's individual happiness, and no races have people who reach the end of the line at the same time. However, there are no winners or losers here but only those who are ready for the next step. You're ready? Great! You're not? Great! 

With friends already planning their weddings for the near future, does it justify wanting to do the same for myself? Because on my end, it will mean I'll have to rush into something I have not put my mind in at the moment, especially when I still need to get the hang of things in terms of dating. That there are things to figure out with the person I'm with before even getting serious, let alone before I build a life with him.

And to those who actually are in love and are with someone they wholeheartedly want to share their future with, just think: initiating or accepting a marriage proposal isn't solely an immediate reaction to a pandemic but a gateway to spending a lifetime with someone. This COVID-19, as impossible and never-ending as it feels, will go away. But that willingness to be there for the one person you love for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health...is something determined by how you feel, and not how the pandemic feels like the Armageddon.

Do I feel the pressure? To be honest, not really. I'm still taking my time with everything, especially after years of being single and still not able to reach the goals I set for myself within a certain timeline because of this stupid irus. All I know is, I want to be sure of every decision I make and the only person who will pressure myself to do anything is myself.