A Gill and A Way

Note: I've had these words for almost two months now and I figured I just had the strength to finally be open about it. So to you who definitely knows it's him I'm writing about, I hope you have a good life before we both really close this chapter. For good.

I prayed for you.

I prayed for you when I was a young teen, thinking I was too good for boys my age who have yet to reach puberty. I prayed for you when I was in highschool, huffing at those potential suitors I deemed unworthy (lol). I prayed for you when I got into college even when I stopped believing whom I'm supposed to ask these prayers to.

Then you came, and then you went. We both went separate ways.

Yet, I still prayed for you. I prayed for you to be happy even if it will be in the arms of someone else. I prayed for you on your birthdays because those were the only times I remembered you. I prayed for you even if I was mad, disappointed, shattered, indifferent.

But you came again. Just when I stopped the prayers.

I will not lie that someone I considered an answered prayer in the form of a handsome sinner will always have a place in my heart, even if he didn't deserve any presence in my life. That you got me the moment you said you will make it up to me. I think of what could have been had we not parted or maybe if I prayed harder enough. Yet you came back when I never even thought of you as a regular person to pray for, except when occasional nostalgia kicks in.

Yet no amount of prayer, time, effort,words could ever keep you around this time. No amount of begging to heavens will make you see how much I loved you. That I wanted so bad to be the person you didn't have to pray for to stay because I was already here for you to only try to keep. That angels have warned me about you in both times you entered my life, cautioning that you weren't exactly the plan the divine had for me.

Then you left again.

In my mind I would've held your hands tighter enough for you to stay. That maybe I shouldn't have said those words that scared you away. But I didn't and I did. And I saw what little answers to my lifelong prayers for someone like you were actually the big sign that tell me you weren't meant to be mine.

I stopped praying altogether. Yet somehow, I received a blessing I consider worthy of the spot in my life you failed to occupy. I received the answer I never expected because when I thought every shot in making things work with you are nothing to someone who was already right for me from the start. When the time comes you will be sailing back into my life, you'll find me in the arms of someone who isn't you and will never be.

Time to close the door of this decade and open the one leading to a new one

I cant believe 2019 is about to end! This whole decade, actually! It all went by in a blink; entered this decade an emo girl who loves black and band shirts and am exiting it in dresses and heels.

Anyways, I just want to share that 2019 was such a great year! It brought me more grit and strength but oddly enough, it also witnessed a much more softer, vulnerable side of me. Here's to my annual year end post dedicated to the biggest lessons I gained this year and just like the title, will gear towards being fearless and forgiving!



To err is human, to forgive is divine...sorta

Made peace with some people....and made peace signs at random times lol

One of the things I mentioned before in my blog is that I wished to be much more forgiving this 2019. While I believe it's not 100% a success judging by old personalities long gone from my life suddenly appearing and trying to get in touch yet I dodge them off like their parasites (Another thing I learned: I can't force myself to open up and forgive if what they do is really not worth any reconciliation), I did remain civil with people I never imagined to get in touch with again.

One such example was forgiving my first love. The heartbreak he gave me was the most exquisite pain that took quite a while to forget, though not as long as how long I've been praying for a person like him to come to my life before he came. It took three years of realizing the future I want will definitely not be including him. I never thought I'd be speaking to him again but I'm quite glad we're both far from how immature and selfish we once were and are now adults who just laugh off some of our past mistakes and still retain the mutual respect we have for each other.

There are other ways of forgiveness I had to exhibit this year which for me, is a strong feat considering I keep my ire for people for so long.

But of course, I tell myself if the gravity of the sin is much too deep, from spreading fake information to the public (or at least to many schoolmates) to sexual harassment bordering on rape (nope not ever) to theft (I know who stole my wallet I lost earlier this year and you bet I'm this short from suing), nope, man don't think it will earn forgiveness from me. Rot in hell, I suppose



To all the boys I've loved...err...liked

The cup holder is basically me the past few years

What year won't be complete with the rare few who made me feel something lovely and wonderful? I've been single for nearly three years and the dating part is not as steady unless I do date someone exclusively. But to these few guys who happened to catch my heart at different periods of this year, they all served a special reminder to me not to settle just because I remained unattached for a while.

A guy I went out with earlier this year reminded me that no matter how much he could provide materially, if he doesn't get your principles and beliefs, won't ever be the right person for you. I found myself being spoken down in a matter that was sexist which triggered my feminist self. I was told during the breakup my job as a journalist doesn't contribute much to society because I don't pay high taxes like him. To be honest, I knew at first it was not going to last but boy, is going out with this guy a staunch reminder why I don't want to have a boyfriend in the first place.

The second person I met this year was a person I was sure I will end up with but no matter how sure I was with him, if things aren't meant to be they just won't be. I was confident with myself as a person but I ended up asking myself what was wrong with me for never being chosen in the end. I'm always in this situation where I'm either too much for a guy or not enough. I believe the biggest lesson in love I learned is to the right person, I'll be enough. Just like how I saw through this person's shortcomings, he was still enough for me to choose him at that moment and someday someone will feel the same way with me.

But what makes 2019 memorable in terms of feelings is that I realized I am capable of feeling like I can settle down because this one guy (hulaan niyo sino sila)already made me believe I don't need to look elsewhere or expect much more. Of course it didn't work out but at least it's a confirmation to myself that, after almost two years of wondering if I'll ever be in love again because of how terrible things ended in my last relationship, 2019 saw me a much softer person in love but a stronger woman to attain. Will I feel it again? No doubt but with the right person. At least conviction that I'm not a heartless cat lady who barks away potential suitors (true story in 2017).



To be not to be...yet not quite

Hard work gets recognized, eventually

2019 is the year of PAKAPALAN NG MUKHA. I found myself being much more confident in submitting stories to journalism awards although I was realistic enough to know that I need to improve more in my craft and produce better stories so I can increase my chances of recognition. But, it never hurts to try submitting whatever, right? Also, I dedicated it going to lectures that I feel will improve me as a journalist.

This year also challenged me as a writer. Last year, I tried to cope with the difficulties of being in a beat that isn't the easiest but this year, I find myself trying to master a new card game that is on a sector I seem to have lots of opinions on. It is quite an adjustment that I still am trying to fit myself in to this day and comes with trials much more than trying to drill whatever source you have for news and exclusives A new beat comes with different demands; various personalities to deal with; and lastly, a reading audience I never thought I'll be put up with.

I experienced a ton of highs and lows in my job, emphasis on the lows because it did make me want to quit and be in a job where I'm living privately without people I never met accusing me I'm this and that for news I report or simply because how they perceive me as a person. It's kinda overwhelming for a person my age and experience but I look at everything given to me these days as a privilege that I need to prove myself worthy of for it to remain or prosper. I still have a long way to go.



To infinity and beyond...or at least, in the near future

The shirt says it all

Last but not the least, this year has made me evaluate the future I set for myself as a fresh grad armed with an English degree and the determination to pursue higher education and teach young minds. Taking the writing route made me realize that as much as I love teaching, it isn't for me just yet. I need to find myself--cliche, but true--in order to share wisdom to the kiddos. I still feel like a restless sponge who is in need of new knowledge and skills to face this world, just like the students I'm supposed to teach.

Painful as it was to admit to myself, but I had to bid goodbye to the dream of being a Linguistics or Literature professor who will publish lots of journals related to my field. I already collected pieces of stories I will teach in my future class and have photocopied them from the library for that purpose. It was a bittersweet realization that the field of English, which I set my heart on for four years of my college life, won't be the "purpose" of my life anymore after spending over a year in Journalism.

Higher education is still in the books for me yet the conviction I once had to reach until my doctorate has weakened somehow, not because I cannot take it anymore but more of how I want to pace my life to the newer goals and passion I set for myself. Wait, I don't think "new" is the right term but more of, "tweaked" because the purpose of why I want to teach is to serve PARA SA BAYAN, always. Except now, I'll be doing it in a different and much more personal way that I believe will be more feasible to the skill and knowledge I currently have from nearly two years since I graduated.

Of course, I still dream now and then of wearing my doctorate cap and toga but I found that it isn't the only thing fueling my purpose on why I work and exist, since that was the end goal for me when i was still studying in college. A part of me still longs to add another title after the LPT that comes next to my last name and for now, I'll be content with an MA. What Masterals will I take now that Dr. Gillian Cortez, LPT, M.Ed., PhD is a 4 year old dream I don't want so much anymore?  Teaching will definitely be there for me down the line and Teacher Gill is still a huge possibility but what field? We'll find out very soon, both you dear reader and a very confused yet somehow assured me.


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2019 doesn't deserve congratulatory letters but rather, deserves a notice saying "Work in Progress" because I won't define my 2019 self for the many unfinished business I had. I believe a new year, a new decade will be a nice transition from where I left off in 2019 while it will open a brand new world of experiences and possibilities . Dare I say, I'll be better this time.

Promulgation printscreen from PTV-4 livestream

DECEMBER 19 - TAGUIG CITY, PHILIPPINES

The much awaited promulgation of the Maguindanao Massacre, a gruesome event that every Filipino knows about, happened after 10 years since the murders transpired. The verdict? Recognizable names from the powerful Ampatuan clan, namely Andal Jr. and Zaldy, and a slew of others were convicted beyond reasonable doubt for the crime. Eight of the Ampatuan respondents and other police officials were sentenced to reclusion perpetua, others convicted will be give six to ten years due to being accessories to the crime.

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This was a trial whose chapters unfolded as I grew up. I was a young teen when I first read and heard about the massacre and I recall how the major dailies' headlines were emblazoned with this news. I remember before Facebook even became the primary source of news for most people, I was able to see uncensored photos of the crime in my Multiply account. Eyes dangling out, heads blown off, chests slashed off, I soon learned most of these mutilated corpses were journalists. This massacre not only showcased how politics are dirty in the Philippines but also just how the media, whose job is to report the truth on these events, are caught in the middle.

I've always wanted to write about how this feels for me as a young reporter not only because the partial decision was released last Thursday but because this is an event that is hammered in every Filipino's head for the past ten years. When I think of the Maguindanao Massacre, I think of mutilated bodies recovered from the soil and shriveled metal vehicles a number of those victims rode in.

When I was a kid, I knew I wanted to write and the thought of getting into newswriting was still something I'm trying to grasp if it was a profession I wanted to pursue but not once did this event scare me off that thought. Aren't there risks even before this one that we're already aware of once we enter the field of writing news? I even had a friend who told me he couldn't be fully happy for me because even if he's proud, he's worried about how especially today journalists are faced with obstacles that risk our lives, whether you're there in conflict areas or at home typing. Because for others, the news you report is a threat.

I'd like to believe that news is the truth...and is someone's freedom.

When I decided to actually pursue reporting for a newspaper, I recall during an interview when my editor asked me if the job entails me to that if I was willing to go to then war-torn Marawi at any moment or cover a bombing somewhere in the Metro to which I immediately replied yes. Not even without thinking. Not because I say it thoughtlessly just to get hired. I said yes because if that time comes, I'm not afraid to deliver news.

I haven't been in the industry long enough to feel wise yet I guess one of the realizations that is hardest to swallow is knowing telling the news is just that; telling the news. Sure, it's a start for a bigger action that will be done to address social maladies but as a writer who also wants to help society, I know I can't do anything more than what I write. Being a labor and health reporter since last year, I could report about mass retrenchment of employees or dengue outbreaks but a part of me feels helpless because I wish I could do so much more even if I don't know what kind of capability is needed to do so.

Back to the Maguindanao Massacre, I was with many watching the livestream of the promulgation and cried when I heard the conviction. That's ten years of these victims' families' pursuit of justice. Also, I read the decision over the weekend. I'm not halfway done yet some words that stuck with me is how the media killed in the convoy of the Mangudadatu camp where killed because the murderers knew, they will report the events. And by killing them, they thought they will be silenced.

So I will tell you what this partial decision means to me not only as a writer who grew up knowing the grim happenings but as a Filipino: it means that evil won't go unscathed. Even if you try your best to silence the truth, the truth will always find a way to come out and justice will always prevail.

This part of the testimony of one of the witnesses brought chills to my back.

As for risks, there are many entities and organizations out there a journalist reports about who have allegedly done horrible things. I recall reading the victims' relatives in the partial decision and how they expressed worry when they learned their loved one will be covering a risky coverage between two political rivals that morning of November 23, 2009. Fear is part of the job but what isn't supposed to be is how you will kill a journalist for doing their job. It's a crime that you're supposed to rot in jail for.

But one of the the things that definitely worries me is how recently, some sectors have successfully pit the public against the media. How speculations that are unverified have threatened the lives of many in the industry and now media is considered an enemy of sorts. I always wonder where do we draw the line between risk journalists signed up for from the abusive behavior of people who think they can push it farther? In this country, how do writers like me and many others feel safe in reporting about the truth?

So many doors will open for you only if you allow yourself to be the best you can be and won't let your degree limit you, regardless of your bachelor.

Hello guys! I'm back to writing in my blog after a hectic few months at work! For this post, I won't impose on anyone why my degree was the best choice for me despite getting accepted in mostly Journalism and Mass Communication programs in other universities but I am definitely proud to share why my degree has been absolutely helpful in many ways. Always remember though that all programs are different and others are best for different people but if you have been eyeing to pursue AB English or BSE English, here are reasons you should definitely give this a go!


1. English is beyond the typical language and reading

In DLSU, I chose English as my first course over Communication Arts and Organizational Communication because I was interested in the field of Linguistics and Literature. Linguistics is my favorite because this is beyond grammar rules you were taught as gradeschoolers and high schoolers; I had one major where a professor during our first day of class bluntly proclaimed to our confused class "THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS GRAMMAR" and yes, it lead me to an existential crisis hehe. You will learn that grammar is a societal and cultural thing embedded in our textbooks as something formal but not what is set in stone.

Literature is another interest I have because I love reading but if you're an English major, you're not only exposed to just American and English Lit but also tons of local and world Lit. I'm thankful that through my major I grew love for not just the classic Western authors but also even local writers and even BC (Before Christ) era ones or even contemporary, millennial writers.

Also, at least while I was still studying, I had professors who found ways to use lessons as a way to open up to society issues. I had a prof whose class also served as Gender studies for me and I learned a whole lot. I also had another professor who taught us about theater and the arts as one way to improve confidence in public speaking.

English is fun! I still find myself being a nerd whenever I speak of less-spoken about literary masterpieces that are short stories (Here's an O Henry piece that isn't "The Last leaf" and is my personal favorite!) and poetry (I love introducing Jose Garcia Villa to anyone who'll listen especially "The Bashful One" and "Emperor's New Sonnet") or explain some sociolingustic trends such as codeswitching (or ~~conyo language~~ to the common people which is actually more complicated and not as you think) and swardspeak (aka Beki speak which I did a research on this back in college and read the pioneer research on this that actually dates back in the 70s!).

2. Having an education background helps in other ways 

Being a BSE English graduate, I also had Eduk units. So besides having the opportunity to learn in the fields of Linguistics and Literature, I also had Professional Education courses. Maybe if teaching is not your cup of tea, you won't enjoy lesson plan making or classroom management learning but listen up! Teaching for me is a test of patience and grit. You have to remember how to make your lessons timely and appropriate for your class and execute it well enough in class. I had difficulty in teaching back in college because I was more of a writer than a speaker but it built my confidence as time went by because I learned to teach in front of large class sizes and even learn how to manage everything in one hour.

As a writer, although I don't writer lesson plans or create tests in my line of work, the patience and diskarte being a teacher entails you to earn had benefited me in so many ways especially with tight deadlines and dealing with difficult personalities in Journalism.

Having also a background in education means also you are trained in research. I will tell you how research training came in handy, from finding other ways to pursue results to abiding by writing ethics such as detecting plagiarism. In DLSU, this was a HUGE deal for us so I was taught to not only do my citations well to avoid plagiarism but also detect plagiarism.

Also, having eduk units means you are qualified to take the Licensure Examination for Teachers (LET) and if you pass the test, you will have a PRC ID and that means exemption from taking any Civil Service related test! (You hit two birds with one stone here).

3. Teaching English is a necessity

People already associate English with English teachers and that isn't a bad thing! Having English as the other official language of the Philippines, everyone locally definitely needs to learn to master it. Besides learning English being in demand locally, there are also opportunities to teach it abroad especially with so many bilateral agreements (To name a few, check this and this by yours truly ajejeje)

I won't lie and say it's easy to teach English if your students speak a different language at home and with others because it is a challenge yet what noble profession doesn't have any share of difficulties? It's a rewarding feeling when you teach students especially with skills they will need in the future such as writing and speaking.

Also, English classes are a great opportunity to teach kids HOW TO VALIDATE SOURCES. In this era of fake news, media and internet literacy is a must know for everyone. English teachers can weave in these lessons and I can't stress enough how schools definitely need this and English teachers, with our papers and research we assign to our students, we need to emphasize this to the young ones!

Another thing you can consider when you're in English is that language and literature are useful venues to discuss society issues. How about holding debates on current issues for your speech classes? Also, when I used to teach English back in my practicum, I taught poetry and incorporated some real life issues while analyzing with my students. It's daring, sure, but English for me isn't only a personal skill but also a societal instrument.


4. It doesn't only lead to teaching

Many of my blockmates in English are now amazing educators in great schools but I will also share that some are also pursuing other fields. A number I know are in law school which I believe English is one of the best pre-law programs because major classes you're required to take in English are going to be more useful for practising law. One branch of Linguistics is Stylistics and I had a class solely dedicated to that. Stylistics focuses on the interpretation of texts, so that will depend on many given factors such as words used together and its context and even how, where, why it is written. It still stands as one of my favorite majors as an English grad which I think will be immensely useful for Law students out there.

Wanna work in PR and Marketing? English too also provides a great training for that. Besides the numerous writing and speech classes we are required to take which makes it great when you write press releases and in hosting, the training in being creative with presentations also serves as a practice for when you pitch in for ideas on promotion of brands, goods, services.

English is also a great degree to have if you want to pursue higher education in Literature. While of course, Literature is still the best undergrad if you want to pursue Literature, I'll also share how some Literature professors I know actually pursued the same undergraduate program I did and are now amazing writers especially after they finished their MA and PhD in Literature.

If your writing goal is more journalist than novelist (may kilala akong ganyan), I will attest that having an English background is extremely relevant in your career path. I use my analysis and interpretation skills I learned from my English majors classes on a number of news, laws, documents, and others I have to write about. I also apply a lot of research ethics in my work and also the patience I have in dealing with various student personalities with different people in my work.

English is beyond teaching, language, and linguistics.

I feel like being an English Major has defined so much of me as a person. If someday you do believe that having an English degree will be the best path for you, I will tell you that you will not regret it! ❤️❤️❤️

I'm about to turn a year older this week (LIBRA SZN) and I guess, the fact that I'm already officially into my mid-20s makes me reflect on what I've done so far.

I watch people my age do it all: have high paying jobs; travel a lot; get married; have kids. Here I am, nearly two years since I graduated college and since I joined the labor force, somehow feeling a little pressured to achieve the same but am realistic enough to know the kinds of means and job I have.

I will lie if I told you I never wished that things were a little easier to afford everything. I felt a little disappointed recently because a solo trip I planned to take abroad on my birthday week won't be feasible with the funds I currently have, which is reserved for grad school next year. It does bother me how at my age, I worry too much of expenditures which happen way fast when you don't earn too much. And it gives you that self-loathing that you can't be like people your age who are enjoying the best of their 20s in some airplane to anywhere.

Sometimes I feel bad too because I feel I could be helping out a little more with the house expenses or maybe afford to spend on my parents' insurance since they aren't getting any younger. I feel like a failure sometimes, because I can't seem to insure myself too when I need to. Or pay for health expenses for myself without sacrificing an arm and a leg. Or afford to pay for a house installment so I can finally own property.

Sometimes,  I feel like I'm pushing my long term goals aside for doing what I am at the present. How about having an MA and PhD before 30? I do feel a little envious when I see my friends in college pursue postgrad right now, wondering if I'll get to afford it soon enough.

But I digress....

You see, maybe I'm experiencing a lot of setbacks but I'm not as left behind as I seem to be. Sure, I don't earn much, but I'm not in debt even if I only earn enough to spend on day to day expenses. It does suck that lots of luxuries I thought I can afford are out of reach at the moment, but it won't be that way always. Maybe not now, but I know I'll be given better opportunities in the future that could open much more doors and maybe allow me to spend a little more as much as I'll be able to save.

Maybe I'm not getting married or having kids at my age, when people I know in their mid 20s are already having stable relationships. I'm young and I sometimes laugh to myself as to why others scare me into settling now or I won't be as ripe and lovely in the future. Makes me wonder why people think of falling in love these days as a rat race. Rats are ugly, fyi and so is doing things in haste.

Also, how many people my age can have the passion to do things they are now without asking a huge chunk in return? I know, I know. I must be so idealistic and romantic in this frickin economy, but I'm just happy that I'm learning so much lessons that I know if I had taken the higher paying jobs back then, I won't have the kind of intellectual and emotional capital I am gaining as a reporter.

 I recall going out with this entrepreneur and when I asked what drives him to be where he was, he would always say money and material things. It kinda made me sad because the wisdom and knowledge I gained from the field isn't something that can feed me as he actually pointed out (I know. He's a jerk), but god damn it will open doors and hell yeah I am doing something I am so passionate about. As long as the only person I'm supporting so far is me and I have my family's blessing in allowing me to immerse myself in this grueling field of journalism, why would I take the route that will only make me financially happy but make me emotionally and intellectually deprived?

Also, I pat myself in the back because I reached this place in my life without a silver spoon and as someone who fought her way through the stigma people had about me in the industry. No. I wasn't privileged enough to have a wide network of reporter friends prior to entering the field nor be financially supported by my parents because the pay isn't high. I'm doing things on my own and at my own pace and demand.

So in case you feel that you're left behind for someone your age, just remember this: there is nothing that defines achievement because achievement is different for everyone and for every age. Maybe I feel I can push myself more but am I far behind? Not at all! And so what if I don't have what others have? They don't have what I could only achieve and appreciate which is beyond earning lots of money or owning expensive things. My own achievements were tailor fit for me and will lead to something more.

My doors are open this time, indeed

I've had quite the colorful crush/love life in the past few years despite the absence of any steady boyfriend (for about almost 3 years now). While I'm not a serial dater, I did have my fair share of people I went out with, whether for just one date or went steady for months. I won't lie that there were an extreme few(one or two) that made me feel something real, that it's not just about having something fun and casual but also having some actual couple-esque trials. Dare I say...but maybe one I did fall in love with.

It's this stage of dating in my early twenties that allowed me to think of who I want to be with for my next relationship.

I guess this long singlehood spiel isn't enough for me to rush into anything serious. I'm not that desperate but I'm not scared either. I've met a guy not too long ago whom I declared internally that he will be one I will be with for the long term yet it never worked out but I've also met guys who declare to the world that they will be with me for marriage yet I cut the cord on them. It's weird that this aspect of "Coming across" love (I refuse to call it "Finding" or "Chasing" love because no besh. Di ako naghahanap) is a fluctuating trend: I will feel the high of getting to know someone amazing but at the same time, find myself shouting and scaring away a potential suitor.

But who do I really want?

I know I mentioned it before but I love being in love. I'm a hopeless romantic. Despite saying all that and imagining all my old friends rolling their eyes (because they know all the history! Haha!), I'm also a realist. Truth be told, the first 18 months of my adulting life since graduating is quite different to my final year in college. I find myself much more interested in my work, in learning about the industry, in immersing myself in the actual world of a journalist.

For me, my life is a tornado of so much joy and accomplishment but also a lot of risk and pain. It has been fast-paced and extremely mobile.

And I won't deny that it somewhat mirrors a lot of guys I happened to like along the way: those who make my heart pound rapidly as blood flushes through my cheeks. I seem to get a thrill and high when I'm into someone. In every love novel and movie, being struck smitten by someone always seems to be as if you're on the verge of hyperventilating.

But for me, I will settle with the one that makes me calm. I notice I almost never end up dating my crushes and with good reason: I tend to be shy. I can't even look at them in the eye. And with that, I tend to embarrass myself whenever I watch myself not be all over the place so I don't end up being embarrassing but fail anyways. Liking my crushes are never quite deep enough for me to want anything more but how I like that the mere presence, thought, or mention of a crush makes me happy.

The person who makes me calm, however, is someone I am not ashamed to speak my mind to. Guys I tend to crush on are guys who make my heart rush but how many guys have entered my life and make me feel the same way? The world seems to be full with the tall and handsome type who make many girls berserk but very rarely there'll be an occurrence I meet a guy I can look in the eye and feel comfortable being myself with.

And these strange creatures tend to be the most unassuming types that most people never expect me to go for. Of course I'll have a crush on someone dashing, duh! What girl won't? But to equate this person with someone I see myself with? I can't even be myself enough which I feel is more important over any perfectly handsome guy.

I've said this many times and I will say it again: I will stick with the one who makes me feel at ease. The one who understands that I'm not the prettiest girl in the room nor the smartest one either, but I have so much to say and I want to hear out everything that you want to say, too. I want to look at you in the eye and not be shy to reveal what my eyes can only express because I won't be judged by you...because probably you'd feel the same way. I don't want to worry if I am too close because I'm affectionate by nature to the one I feel immense connection with. So many guys have entered my life and made me feel sparks but in the end, I will go for the one who makes me feel safe and secure.

When I like someone, I really go all out with emotions. I guess this is why I'm still so closed up with guys after my last relationship because I realize the guys I did date the past few years were guys who never made me feel things are easy. I mean, love isn't supposed to be easy but I don't want to fall for struggle either especially when I have had my heart broken countless of times. I fight for my feelings but I've become more of a realist after a long time of reflecting on my singlehood.

So have I found that one person who truly encapsulates who I want to be with? Maybe along the way I did but God knows why I still haven't settled. My doors are open to anyone, though. They always have been despite me still being a little reserved. It will always welcome the right one for me.

I didn't have much pictures of myself in highschool but I noticed I always looked sad in the eyes

If you know me well, you will know that I despise my highschool life. While most people look back at their highschool life wistfully, reminisce about how times were simpler and fun, I look back at mine with such disdain because it really was a living hell. Maybe you'll think I'm over-exaggerating at how nightmarish my life then was, but I will tell you that remembering my times in highschool comes with an ache in the chest.

It's only me who can open doors to my future