Note: I apologize if the title will offend your actual lolas but the title, I'm using in the context of myself (Plus it has a better ring than "tita")in case you don't get it already.

"Ikaw?! Single?!"

The usual reaction I get from people, as if I have a signboard that says I'm taken, which obviously I'm not.

I've been single for over a year now--not really a long time if you ask me but people around me treat is as if I spent a lifetime missing something great.

Lemme introduce y'all to the lab of my life: WALA (Pa? Abangan!)

I get questions here and there about my lovelife(or lack of it)and I'm not so privy about it. I thought of writing this down because a few weeks ago, I went on a night out and as usual, I'd run into old schoolmates and friends who ask me the dreaded, lovelife-related questions. I remember one even asked me, "How do I do it?" as if living without any form of love and affection is an incredible feat. People think that I'm weak in my own game for not "stepping up" against men I dated before who moved on to newer women to love because I chose to remain single, as if I'm still scorned and bitter.

I'm really a romantic at heart and how does a girl like me, who definitely lives for it, actually survive without IT?

 There's something about being absolutely single in a world where romance is built up as an essential thing to have in one's infinite happiness and the lack of it contributes to one's eternal misery. Does it get to me? Does it bother me?

Truth is, it doesn't have to! No matter how much at times I do miss the feeling of having a partner, I know deep inside I'm perfectly fine without. It comes in perfect timing (among other cliches)and for me, I'm just not ready!

It's funny how my single life will always have to be parallel to the lives of men once linked to me: "Really, this guy hooked up with a random girl immediately?" "OMG this guy got back with his ex!" "Weh, this guy is into dick now?" "Wow, this guy's now a baby daddy!" "Huh this guy's celibate but is dating a nude dancer?"--among many other tabloid-esque news I'm greeted with now and then. (Wow dami guys/basura).

Though on my end  lies a seemingly boring fact that yes, I haven't gotten around and no, it doesn't bother me. I won't lie that I had my fair share of "FUN" (In the terms of how people around me call it)getting to know people, going on dates, etc but I'm just not one to actually share(unless you're super close to me). Why narrate juicy stuff to people who only seem to either want to compare my score against men I knew; sigh in relief that I won't die an old maid; or fish for a reaction to all their nagging?

I learn people do this comparison of ME VS GUYS I TOLERATED  because, if these men aren't great, how come they find happiness in love one way or another? Or at least get laid? And if I am the better person, how come I still don't go out with anyone, in case people think I'm losing to actual losers? (Sorry not sorry)

I hate how this is all viewed as a "game" when for me, I'm just taking my time. Of course, I do appreciate getting surprised with gifts or getting fetched from school or getting sweet kisses, but I realize this is all I remember mostly from people I've dated. Everything else, I just fear in having another relationSHIT again or at least getting to know a shitty ass person again.

I just want the next time I do find myself falling(and I speak this with utmost terror because how scary would that be diba), it would be with a quality person. Sure, dating is trial and error but then, I've got not time for dates. People underestimate timing and on my end, while I did meet amazing guys at such wrong times, I just want everything to be perfect.

It's such an idealistic way of thinking but deep inside, I know I'm not just ANY girl. I won't slow down for men who can't keep up. The right person is bound to show and whether I see him first or he finds me before I notice, it will happen. I just won't live life counting it down as if my whole happiness depended on it.

Nothing has yet compared to the kind of happiness I feel knowing that I already have what I want and am on my way to something better--with or without a man.

I'll Want It When It Happens

...so the reason why love hasn't happened is because I still don't want it!

I've been the type whenever I want something, I want it with so much passion. I aspire for it from the very core of my heart and think about it all the time. When I want something, I only have eyes for it . I know that before I actually have it, I'm already claiming it will be mine.

In one way or another, by mysterious forces in universe, I end up getting it.

Case examples: A fourth year HS student who wanted to get into DLSU badly ends up going to the university of her dreams; a graduating student who knew she deserved to walk in PICC and was able to graduate despite all odds; a fresh grad who wanted a writing opportunity of a lifetime despite the odds seemingly not in favor for her...

(Oo, ako lahat to *claps for myself*)

It's unfair to make comparisons of my goals to love, because the rare times I did fall(not necessarily to "love" levels) and the even rarer times I made it official, it all started when I wasn't even looking. The feelings manifested without expecting it, like someone who got run over by a car and just woke up, suddenly thinking *toot* is the most amazing guy ever and no insurance can cover that painful but blissful fact.

Sometimes, I didn't even need to be hit in the head to know that after getting to know someone the first time, I just know he's different.

BUT(and a HUGE BUT at that), the times I did want a person even with all my heart and hypothalamus, it often never comes true. I guess because I feel it won't be a loss at all for me. In my experience, whenever something great happens in my academics or career, I just feel less and less of the guy. Though my feelings remain, I learn I'll never want the person enough as much as I feel I do--like the way I'm ready to gamble to reach my goals. I surely cannot do the same for a guy--even if I play fair and follow the rules without the need of risking.

At the moment, the only reason my heart will skip a beat is when I go on journeys on my own or with friends. The only way I'll experience amazement is when I learn something new. The only thing that will take my breath away is looking at clouds or art. The only dates I'll be going to will be going to coffee shops or museums with myself.

These things and so much more I'll still enjoy, single or not.

I could count down when Mr. Wonderful does appear in the picture to break that singlehood spiel of mine but for now, other people are doing that for me as I chase after my own goals and dreams.

Whether I have a guy after my own heart now, I'll never tell. 😉 (Just refer to the title to avoid confusion)