A Gill and A Way

(Originally titled "Beach Boy") 

If I’m your destination, clearly you only see clear blue seas and fluffy skies that build an image that isn’t me. You’ll be busy being on edges of an island where waters kiss the shore, with sand in your toes

Note: I apologize if mauumay kayo sa fez ko after reading this post.

Feeling riche with mah Color Riche lipstick! Charot!

Taken earlier. Feeling extremely happy and grateful for this opportunity regardless of experiencing a lil sadness today

I just happened to have some thoughts swirling in my head earlier, as I'm finally experiencing the more rigorous aspects of my job now.

Today, I experienced losing my breath running from one place to another, sweating profusely under the hot sun whose heat seemed more intense in Intramuros. I notice my skin as of lately has become tanned and burnt, nothing I'd have when I was in the air-conditioned environment of my teaching practicum last year. I've been snobbed by the older journalists from the bigger publications, speaking to me as if I didn't deserve to be in the media.

I experienced some failures and missteps in my work today although my editor assures to me that I'm still starting out and I don't need to apologize too much about it. I've met cold people who make me miss the friendlier and warmer environment of the academe. Reality hit me that it's not enough to learn how to adjust to a fast-paced environment; sometimes, you need to manipulate the pace.

I felt extremely sad for the first time since I got hired all shocked and excited, and got trained all giddy and motivated.

As I walked in the stoned steps of Intramuros, I started having flashbacks.

Before being a journalist, I was just a fresh grad who was anxious of what might happen next. I recall wandering in the Central Business Districts (Makati, Taguig, and Ortigas to be exact)and just feeling miserable. I'll get lost in these concrete jungles, not because I didn't know which building to go but because I didn't know what I'd get myself into in applying for these jobs. By jobs, I mean those that would leave me desk-bound in front of a computer. Never mind the pay; I really felt nervous on the days I'll just end up in any of the jobs I applied to prior to being a journalist.

I told myself earlier today that though this day wasn't great, I won't avoid it. I'm luckier compared to before. I was a girl who will walk in smooth pavements with skyscraper buildings around her while she wore her corporate best, wishing she'll fast forward to the day she'll finally walk in the acacia-adorned paths of the university she planned to do her post-grad in.

Little did I know then that fast forward today, I'm lucky enough to see beautiful colonial structures that still amaze me every time. I never dreamed of finally immersing myself in such a historical place on a near-daily basis. Although I'm not in Intramuros everyday(because I still go back and forth in different cities everyday), every moment I go here for work will always be delightful to my senses. Even if I'm frazzled running blocks to offices and blocks back to my work station, I'll still notice my surroundings. This is better than being surrounded by buildings that seem like are ganging up on me while I'm chained in the neck by a job I absolutely hated.

This work I have now was something I wanted bad and now I'm in, I can't give up. I wanted this and I still do, even if today I felt like a failure regardless of whatever assurance people give to me.

I can only breathe in and think this: I'm in one of my favorite places in the world and doing work I could only wish for. I'm only having a bad day today.

Every feeling of disappointment just flushed out at the thought of what I mentioned earlier. I learned that in every triumphs, I'll experience trials and vice versa. Another amazing thing I discovered is when I want something, I end up experiencing getting better. All I'm left to do now is work hard--because what great thing comes easy, right?

As promised from my last post, I'm reposting this from the vaults of my blogging past! 2013 to be exact!

Back then, I was an NBSB senior highschool student who seemed way too sappy-romantic for her own good. Reading this now nearly 5 years later, I realize these are words I will still dedicate to whoever I might spend the rest of my life with. ❤️

Also watch out for my next post from my blog vault, "Letter to My Future Children"!

Come and find me, boi

Dear Future Partner, 

                    It's funny I'm writing this when I'm not exactly sure who you really are. You could be someone from around here or maybe someone I've been in the same room before but never noticed. You could be from some other city or maybe even in another country. Maybe we've met but I haven't remembered or you could be anyone I know...

                     Whoever you are, you must be unaware of this letter I'm making for you which you might read long after we meet and become a couple.

                     You must know that I'm an emotional wreck. Like a train colliding to another train in times of hardships and problems. Or maybe for absolutely no reason at all; I am that messed up. But you probably accepted me despite of that. Despite the fact I can cry an ocean or have an anger that causes the earth to shake. And you probably are the reason I'm sane, calm, collected. I know I will reach that point that emotions won't get the best of me, just because you're there for me. Always.

                  You also have a clue about my past. Please bear in mind that I've been through countless rejections for something that I never consciously brought myself to. I know people who just slam doors on me just for the fact I wasn't rich or I came from a broken home. You make me believe that there's really someone who can see beyond my skeletons.

                I really admire you a lot, even if I have yet to meet you. I can be weird. I can be happy-go-lucky. I can be the party-pooper. I can be over-dramatic. But you put up with that. You must be a superhero or something. When most guys have a standard of what they look for in their partners, you settle for me with no complaints(hopefully). Wow, man. I'm so lucky.

                 I have always wondered what you find irresistible in me. Why you chose me over billions of girls. Why you choose to stick out with some piece of crap like me. Why you choose to spend the rest of your life with me. And maybe then I'll know and realize that waiting for the answer along with you saying it will be worth it.

                  I just want to say please, please take care of me well like how I'll be that doting partner to you. I will support you in your dreams and goals. I  don't see myself as that stereotypical housewife, but I will show my love in any way I could. I'll even cook for you, too. Haha. But seriously, I'll be loyal and faithful to you. And I would love and care for you and accept whoever you are because I know I have met the one person who is truly meant for me.

                  I find it amusing that I'm writing this letter in a stage where I'm working to reach my goals because years from now, I'll be thinking about what's best for the both of us or maybe for the family we'll make together. Maybe when that time comes, we both have reached our goals and are ready to think of US and our future.

                  What I find equally amusing is the fact that in case you actually do read this years from now, it actually is possible that there is this person who loves me no matter what. Who loves every little quirk and part of me. I find it hard to believe and it is kinda stupid to write this because I'll never know what tomorrow might bring, but if you are real...damn, I'm so lucky. And I'd do my best to make you feel as lucky as I do. :)

With love, 
Gillian Mercado Cortez-(insert your last name...in case we actually got married :D)