| Note: In remembrance of October being Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to post entries here on my blog about the dark and private aspects of my personal mental struggles. Normally, I don't like openly discussing my own trials with depression or past abuses but I want to shed light so people can have the courage to speak up and triumph over them. Some of these posts were written ages ago but weren't posted immediately for fear of being seen a different way. Regardless of my experiences and diagnosis, I am strong and brave. I may be messed up and messed around but I will not give anyone--especially myself, my own worst enemy--the license to mess with my life. First post to this series is in this link: http://agillandaway.blogspot.com/2017/10/im-speaking-out-in-time-of-harvey.html Second Post to this series: http://agillandaway.blogspot.com/2017/10/being-confident-with-my-face-and-body.html Third post to this series: http://agillandaway.blogspot.com/2017/10/im-survivor-of-many-thingsa-poem.html  |
To start, I am diagnosed with Manic Depression. First, I was wrongfully diagnosed as Bipolar 1 but later on, after consulting with other professional help, I fall under Bipolar 2. Along with my other diagnosis were Anxiety Disorder and Intermittent Eruptive Disorder although the latter was only ever mentioned once to me as the current help I seek now is focusing on avoiding the hypomania and depressive states I used to feel simultaneously before.
I feel like every time I discuss my exact diagnosis, I feel I owe people stories of what I actually go through because most always think I'm just so happy. They tend to doubt me and initially, I'd feel defensive because revealing what I have isn't something I share as if I'm calling for attention. It is as if it's so highly unlikely for me to experience all this because technically, I do well in my school and hobbies. The thing is, I don't owe anyone a heartbreaking story of how I had a tough upbringing or still have a dysfunctional family life or was betrayed by the very people I trusted or I break down whenever I'm alone. I don't owe anyone accounts of how I get tackled down whenever I have a huge manic episodes or attempted suicide a few times.
No. I don't need to share even if I have to.
In depression, it's always one's own struggle. I find it selfish when people think they have to force me to share just so they can understand better or when I open up to them about the difficulty they make it all about themselves as if they have the harder time. I guess the latter is the hardest I had to deal with because my trials, breakdowns, etc. that come with being manic is mistaken as me being toxic. The worst thing one can do to anyone who has depression is making the depressed think they are a problem or define them by their sickness. Believe me, I have known suicides of people who believed their condition was such a burden to those who "love" them. It's sad that they think they are the toxic ones when in reality, it's these really ignorant people.
As for the people who leave you especially when you needed them the most, it hurts. Honestly, it's still an ache I am trying to get over but remember, those suffering from their mental health aren't the problem. We tend to believe that we are unworthy because of what we experience but do realize that no one can truly understand. It's their fault if they leave. If they feel overwhelmed by you, do not blame them but they shouldn't blame you for making them feel less.
Just as much as you won't blame them for your condition, they shouldn't blame you for their shallow sadness, either.
I've also experienced being labeled for my sickness. Just because I broke down often and have revealed how often I struggle doesn't mean I will be defined by it. I am not my depression nor my anxiety. If you find yourself totally identifying with it because people in your life do, just stop it. You are a whole different personality who just happens to experience what you never asked for.
It's easy to be angry with those who shower you with false hope that they will stay regardless of your demons and skeletons but try to be forgiving. When I learned to still love the people who hurt me and forgive friends that betrayed me, I realize those were the most fearless and mature things I did. Some people think it is impossible, really and dismiss it as some sort of stupidity but you show to everyone else that you aren't the toxic one and the most important person you have to prove to that you aren't toxic is yourself.
Anyways, I really want to discuss healing within yourself. People think just because you go to psychotherapy or take meds means you are supposed to heal immediately like how paracetamol counters fever or chiropractors heal aching backs. It takes much more time and mental conditions aren't like typical sicknesses that just go away once it's addressed with treatment. I remember the painful truth of my mania when I was told by my doctor that it is chronic. It is something I'll have for the rest of my life. I was assured though that as long as I learn to manage, and for others it will take months or even years, I can lead a normal life. I can still triumph over it.
I hate it when I have to drink pills so plasticky and big I have a hard time swallowing them. I despise having to go to a counselor and psychiatrist often. While they all are huge help, I sometimes feel that void in my heart. I learn to manage and go on with life but what if I just feel always dead inside?
Healing for me took a long time. I still feel like I am still recovering. The thing with healing what isn't meant to be healed is that it will make you think how hopeless you are when you really aren't. Depression isn't a wound--I could say it is having something deeper than a cut--but one isn't "cured" from it. It never goes away. Like what I mentioned earlier, having a mental condition--regardless of what it is--is a lifelong battle but one can still learn to live life beyond it.
So, I guess what I really am trying to heal is not my condition but heal the state I'm left in due to it. I can learn to fix myself up even if deep inside, I'm too tired to put effort on myself. I can get my ass up so I can go somewhere even if I'd rather stay numb in the house. I will love fiercely even if I've been hurt so many times in the past.
Sometimes, I have no choice but to force myself to face life and all its ugliness. It isn't even sometimes, to be honest; it's EVERY FRICKIN TIME. I learned that in facing whatever bull I encounter in my life, despite being scared of these bulls' heavy breathing or strength to kill me, I still manage to take it by its horns and show them who's boss. I cannot eliminate my condition nor the terrible triggers to it but I can acknowledge that I was brave enough to still pull myself through even if it is so easy to give up. I will make sure I do it fabulously rather than looking like shit that's so easy to pity on.
And after facing the ugliness, you learn to see the beauty in everything no matter how small. I'd like to think that though I have problems bigger than me(I'm being realistic, not negative), I won't let them keep me from smiling over the simple stuff such as seeing the stars in the sky or drinking my favorite chocolate milk or smiling at a baby whose mom sits beside me during commute or reading recipes I'm dying to cook.
Contrary to what most think, it takes small steps to overcome such a big battle. This isn't a grand war between two states being told in 24 books(Yes, Iliad, I'm looking at you) because depending on who you are, it's a war within yourself that words cannot simply encapsulate. Unlike most battles, it doesn't stop by one side retreating but rather, it stops when you simply realize that fighting it won't make it go away. The only real way to heal is to be kinder on yourself and that in itself is more challenging than learning how to do combat.
Yet once you do, you will find it more rewarding. It's actually the bravest thing you can do because even if you find yourself still falling apart inside, you still stand up with a pure heart filled with a love so pure no one else deserves it but yourself.
Just because you learn to be soft in a tough situation doesn't mean you're prone to wilting. You're actually just surviving in the best way without being too hard on yourself.
No. I don't need to share even if I have to.
In depression, it's always one's own struggle. I find it selfish when people think they have to force me to share just so they can understand better or when I open up to them about the difficulty they make it all about themselves as if they have the harder time. I guess the latter is the hardest I had to deal with because my trials, breakdowns, etc. that come with being manic is mistaken as me being toxic. The worst thing one can do to anyone who has depression is making the depressed think they are a problem or define them by their sickness. Believe me, I have known suicides of people who believed their condition was such a burden to those who "love" them. It's sad that they think they are the toxic ones when in reality, it's these really ignorant people.
As for the people who leave you especially when you needed them the most, it hurts. Honestly, it's still an ache I am trying to get over but remember, those suffering from their mental health aren't the problem. We tend to believe that we are unworthy because of what we experience but do realize that no one can truly understand. It's their fault if they leave. If they feel overwhelmed by you, do not blame them but they shouldn't blame you for making them feel less.
Just as much as you won't blame them for your condition, they shouldn't blame you for their shallow sadness, either.
I've also experienced being labeled for my sickness. Just because I broke down often and have revealed how often I struggle doesn't mean I will be defined by it. I am not my depression nor my anxiety. If you find yourself totally identifying with it because people in your life do, just stop it. You are a whole different personality who just happens to experience what you never asked for.
It's easy to be angry with those who shower you with false hope that they will stay regardless of your demons and skeletons but try to be forgiving. When I learned to still love the people who hurt me and forgive friends that betrayed me, I realize those were the most fearless and mature things I did. Some people think it is impossible, really and dismiss it as some sort of stupidity but you show to everyone else that you aren't the toxic one and the most important person you have to prove to that you aren't toxic is yourself.
Anyways, I really want to discuss healing within yourself. People think just because you go to psychotherapy or take meds means you are supposed to heal immediately like how paracetamol counters fever or chiropractors heal aching backs. It takes much more time and mental conditions aren't like typical sicknesses that just go away once it's addressed with treatment. I remember the painful truth of my mania when I was told by my doctor that it is chronic. It is something I'll have for the rest of my life. I was assured though that as long as I learn to manage, and for others it will take months or even years, I can lead a normal life. I can still triumph over it.
I hate it when I have to drink pills so plasticky and big I have a hard time swallowing them. I despise having to go to a counselor and psychiatrist often. While they all are huge help, I sometimes feel that void in my heart. I learn to manage and go on with life but what if I just feel always dead inside?
Healing for me took a long time. I still feel like I am still recovering. The thing with healing what isn't meant to be healed is that it will make you think how hopeless you are when you really aren't. Depression isn't a wound--I could say it is having something deeper than a cut--but one isn't "cured" from it. It never goes away. Like what I mentioned earlier, having a mental condition--regardless of what it is--is a lifelong battle but one can still learn to live life beyond it.
So, I guess what I really am trying to heal is not my condition but heal the state I'm left in due to it. I can learn to fix myself up even if deep inside, I'm too tired to put effort on myself. I can get my ass up so I can go somewhere even if I'd rather stay numb in the house. I will love fiercely even if I've been hurt so many times in the past.
Sometimes, I have no choice but to force myself to face life and all its ugliness. It isn't even sometimes, to be honest; it's EVERY FRICKIN TIME. I learned that in facing whatever bull I encounter in my life, despite being scared of these bulls' heavy breathing or strength to kill me, I still manage to take it by its horns and show them who's boss. I cannot eliminate my condition nor the terrible triggers to it but I can acknowledge that I was brave enough to still pull myself through even if it is so easy to give up. I will make sure I do it fabulously rather than looking like shit that's so easy to pity on.
And after facing the ugliness, you learn to see the beauty in everything no matter how small. I'd like to think that though I have problems bigger than me(I'm being realistic, not negative), I won't let them keep me from smiling over the simple stuff such as seeing the stars in the sky or drinking my favorite chocolate milk or smiling at a baby whose mom sits beside me during commute or reading recipes I'm dying to cook.
Contrary to what most think, it takes small steps to overcome such a big battle. This isn't a grand war between two states being told in 24 books(Yes, Iliad, I'm looking at you) because depending on who you are, it's a war within yourself that words cannot simply encapsulate. Unlike most battles, it doesn't stop by one side retreating but rather, it stops when you simply realize that fighting it won't make it go away. The only real way to heal is to be kinder on yourself and that in itself is more challenging than learning how to do combat.
Yet once you do, you will find it more rewarding. It's actually the bravest thing you can do because even if you find yourself still falling apart inside, you still stand up with a pure heart filled with a love so pure no one else deserves it but yourself.
Just because you learn to be soft in a tough situation doesn't mean you're prone to wilting. You're actually just surviving in the best way without being too hard on yourself.
