A Gill and A Way

Dear Mr. Who,

Mr. Who? Who are you exactly? You could be anyone and I know you're real. I would have already known you or maybe I haven't yet. But whoever you are, that Mr. Who I'll eventually love, I want you to read this and follow intently.

If you happen to plan on coming my way, I beg of you don't. Please turn away if you plan to pursue my heart and win over my affection. Go chase some other lady who is readily available and will return these feelings back. I may never do so and time will only tell when I'll be ready again to put my heart out.

Before this letter came along a line of guys who have gone to great lengths in winning my heart but in the end, have distanced themselves when they realize they were not ready for me or anything serious. If you are not gonna fully put your heart on me, please don't even bother to ruin my peace.

 If you know in your heart that I may be the girl for you, please understand that I am not ready to be that girl yet. I am working on being my own person who will become more bulletproof to challenges as she is compassionate to others. 

I'm at this stage in my life where I finally draw the line and say "Okay, maybe I don't want to put my heart out there anymore." I gave it a chance and I gave myself, with the help of others, a push to finally open up to this feeling to love again. But I'm tired and I want to bet all my energy on something where I come out the winner: my personal growth.

I've been feeling more vulnerable lately after a lot of struggles bigger than what I can handle came my way. But in all these gargantuan challenges came also some opportunities I waited years for. These doors are leading not only to my passion but also to my purpose. While I am experiencing some agonizing lows, I'm also soaring to heights I only dreamt of.

I want someday that when you do cross my path and I happen to open my doors to my heart again, I am already the person I aspire to be. I will be that whole person who has overcome the challenges that shaped who she is--take it or leave it. 

Dear Mr. Who, I'm telling you that I am not yet ready for you...And I don't think you will ever be surely ready for me right now.

When I was in highschool, I remember having to turn down this guy because I just wasn't ready to have a boyfriend. Doors of college were already opening then and all I thought of was I'll be exposed to different people, different than those in the sleepy old small town in Taguig I spent my HS years in. One night, I received a phone call that I got a scholarship in DLSU while I was on another call on my cellphone with the guy who I just turned down. He told me this:

"What will you choose? Me or that scholarship?"

Of course, that was a no-brainer, and almost 8 years since that night, I never felt an ounce of regret for choosing what for me then was the only choice that mattered. (Don't feel too bad with the guy though. I learned recently he got married and had kids).

 However, the few years after that were spent with guilt-tripping from friends in our community religious group, for being this heartless bitch who turned down "genuine love" I never was interested in for something more self-serving and in an environment that is a breeding ground for sin.

Fast forward to adult life, I always faced situations where I was forced to choose between something that my heart always desired versus something that didn't exactly occupy prime real estate in any part of my being but acted like it was the best choice for me anyway.

Of course, there were times I had to choose between two things that I valued. Right after graduation, I had to choose between this writing opportunity of a lifetime in the journalism world or taking the higher education route where I was supposed to take my graduate studies and teach students. I chose journalism because choosing it didn't mean it canceled out the other choice: it just meant a little delay.

There were times though I was forced to choose between career or love. For me, these are types of unfair choices because it was inevitable on my end to choose the career I was passionate about yet I was subjected to the shame of hurting someone whom I never wanted enough to sacrifice everything for in the first place. I don't think there should be circumstances in life where you are supposed to choose between two difficult choices unless it is a matter of family, life, death.

Recently, I was told that I will eventually have to choose between my current job or my plans to study again. This is the real working world and it is reasonable why I'm suddenly pressured to choose between the two. But what if this was unfair on my end? Because I sacrificed so much to finally reach this point of readiness to go face classes again and yet, the present job which initially promised that it will accept my personal plans for growth just suddenly blindsided me to make a choice.

If I chose to go with what my heart desired, I know I will be happier but I will also be that girl who wasted everyone's time and was inconsiderate to have to make others understand my situation. If I chose to leave what my heart desired and fought for just to make the choice to please others, then I will be miserable but at least I will still keep my job.

In an ideal world, I would probably have a boyfriend who understood that I worked a lot or I would have had a job that sincerely supported my personal goals in life out of work.

Now, I'm this girl forced to choose. As if fate didn't have the power to be flexible a little for someone like me that has bent and broken herself to appease people who call me "unfair" for thinking of myself.