Note: I've had these words for almost two months now and I figured I just had the strength to finally be open about it. So to you who definitely knows it's him I'm writing about, I hope you have a good life before we both really close this chapter. For good.
I prayed for you.
I prayed for you when I was a young teen, thinking I was too good for boys my age who have yet to reach puberty. I prayed for you when I was in highschool, huffing at those potential suitors I deemed unworthy (lol). I prayed for you when I got into college even when I stopped believing whom I'm supposed to ask these prayers to.
Then you came, and then you went. We both went separate ways.
Yet, I still prayed for you. I prayed for you to be happy even if it will be in the arms of someone else. I prayed for you on your birthdays because those were the only times I remembered you. I prayed for you even if I was mad, disappointed, shattered, indifferent.
But you came again. Just when I stopped the prayers.
I will not lie that someone I considered an answered prayer in the form of a handsome sinner will always have a place in my heart, even if he didn't deserve any presence in my life. That you got me the moment you said you will make it up to me. I think of what could have been had we not parted or maybe if I prayed harder enough. Yet you came back when I never even thought of you as a regular person to pray for, except when occasional nostalgia kicks in.
Yet no amount of prayer, time, effort,words could ever keep you around this time. No amount of begging to heavens will make you see how much I loved you. That I wanted so bad to be the person you didn't have to pray for to stay because I was already here for you to only try to keep. That angels have warned me about you in both times you entered my life, cautioning that you weren't exactly the plan the divine had for me.
Then you left again.
In my mind I would've held your hands tighter enough for you to stay. That maybe I shouldn't have said those words that scared you away. But I didn't and I did. And I saw what little answers to my lifelong prayers for someone like you were actually the big sign that tell me you weren't meant to be mine.
I stopped praying altogether. Yet somehow, I received a blessing I consider worthy of the spot in my life you failed to occupy. I received the answer I never expected because when I thought every shot in making things work with you are nothing to someone who was already right for me from the start. When the time comes you will be sailing back into my life, you'll find me in the arms of someone who isn't you and will never be.
