In remembrance of Womens' Month, I want to write a post dedicated to the woman whom I learned later in life to appreciate and that is my mom.

Akala mo Mothers' Day noh? Char!

Bata palang ako, sinasabihan na ako sa telebabad habit ko. Ngayon, sa kakagamit ko ng cellphone, lol

What I want to share is that my mom and I don't have a perfect relationship. We're just so different, really. Sure, I see the resemblance between her and I as I have ALWAYS been told how much we look alike but I think the similarities just end in our high cheekbones, almond eyes, and arched eyebrows. We tend to clash a lot and it just got worse growing up to the point I've been estranged from her for 2 years (which I'll elaborate later).

I got the "Crossing legs when taking photos" pose and "fake tawa" expression from her, yo.

I vowed to myself that I would never be like my mom. She would accuse me, even when I was a kid already acquainted with social issues through watching the news or reading newspapers, that I'm radical(I'm not, okay. I was encouraged with activism at a younger age). I would always think that she was so indifferent and apathetic. I was aware of feminism when I was younger and I would frown at my mom for being UN-FEMINIST: everything I'm supposed to do should be pleasing to men from the lipstick I wear to the language I speak. ("Why is your lipstick that dark! Guys won't kiss you that way!", "Guys find it cheap if lagi kang nagmumura. Cheap pakinggan!")

I spent most of my life deviating from emulating the likes of her that I never realized, as I matured, I ended up having some of her qualities. I was always a writer growing up but I almost always forget that my mom too was a writer. It was also told to me that she was always a bookworm even as a kid; a trait that I also had with me until I got older. She also was a student journalist and this was back in the day of Martial Law! I never got to learn too much of what she pursued in college but when I got into UST(her college) in the programs AB Journalism and BSE English, I discovered that these were courses she was also in.

Even if I laugh at her when she warns me on certain things, I still end up following them. It's already a habit of mine to say "tabi tabi po" when I pass by areas I think "dwendes" thrive (I know, my mom is one of those people who scare me with that knowledge as a kid). I also stay quiet when I know a tree is "sleeping" so I can respect the spirits (Idk about her but she's probinsyana who seems to instill to me stuff like animism lol). Magical irrelevancies aside, what I also learned from her was never to touch my eyebrows. I recall the day she introduced to me the magic of eyebrow makeup as an 11 year old. Since then, kilay became my life and just like life, you shouldn't destroy or mess with something beautiful! Hahahahaha!

As much as I kept denying how I'm like my mom, I realize I got her strength and stubbornness. Striking out of college a semester shy of graduating, she already accomplished so much in her career even before she was my age now. I thought this was unbelievable since she tried molding me into the perfect housewife but I also miss out on the fact that she would push me to be independent and empowered...in case I haven't found that "husband" yet. She says it in her own way, of course ("You have beauty and brains nga but then a lot of girls have it, too! Yung iba they travel at mayayaman nga eh! You have to work harder to stand out!")

One of the things that my mom and I argue a lot on is how I look. Back when I was a teen, I hated wearing dresses and skirts. I wouldn't even wear anything that was sleeveless! I remember vowing to my own mom that I wouldn't wear anything that showcases my shoulders and here we are years later, her laughing and pointing out at my feminine, daring wardrobe. Back then also, I would wear lipsticks shades that shock the hell out of her ("No one is born with black lips!", "Your lipstick looks like putty!", "Bakit.........blue?!?!")which I do to this day, tbh. But I started appreciating nudes and peaches on a regular basis that my mom would own up to it by saying even I started realizing how "chaka" a lot of my lippie shades were. OKAY, IKAW NA!!!

True story of how I was told that I looked like I smeared cement on my lips according to my mom.

While it has been comically amusing and occasionally frustrating, there were moments in my life that I didn't speak to her for a while. The differences really affected us and as I got older, I became more outspoken and dismissive against her values. It resulted into huge arguments which eventually, ended in estrangement. While her absence in my life didn't affect me in any way as I still went on with my university life or my writing sideline, I only learned how much I missed out on her guidance very late. 2017 was an awful year for me and when things turned for the worst--to the point of me attempting suicide--she surfaced in my life again.

I always denied to myself that things would get better with her in my life again. For so long, she acted quite indifferent towards my life going on. And unlike girls my age who could run to their moms when it came to whatever went on with their lives, I never cared for her opinion. When 2017 has taken its toll on me in every aspect, that's when I started rebuilding my relationship with her again. It felt like I had to go through a field of thorns but eventually, we got there and we got better. She would comment on how much weight I lost(even if when I was younger she would be harsh on how I was "chubby")and would buy so much food. She would admit that she knew the kind of men I dated and wished she stepped in when my relationships overcame me with so much toxicity (She heard the stories from my siblings).

I think the reason why we improved in our relationship is I never faulted her for not being there for me in such crucial years in my life. I just wanted to focus on what we have now.

The past year we've suddenly started speaking again, I still hear obnoxious comments she makes:
"Yang talino mong yan? Namana mo sakin yan!"
"Look at me and you'll see you won't be frumpy and fat when you're my age!"
"You got your writing skills from me! I'm a better writer than your father noh!"
"Ba't ganun na naman lipstick mo parang naninigarilyo ka!"
"Ang payat-payat mo wala ka nang pwet at boobs!"

--Among MANY comments she makes on a daily basis over ANYTHING...(Believe me she says more WTF things).

Differences will never be straightened out for us both. From me telling her that a certain place is walkable when she would rather waste money on transpo to her remarking that I wear too much black when she's the boho type of lady, we would always have something clashing to say.

I just laugh it off. I still find myself having to fend off whatever comes out of her mouth. I do accept our differences in beliefs. It can get annoying but all I really have to do is be patient with her. I guess we're the Filipino version of the Joy Luck Club, if you know what I mean! It's great to finally experience sharing kilig stories of guys I like with her or my dilemmas of being out in the real working world. It's also amazing that even with our disagreements, we tend to forget about it and still move on without anything ruining our relationship.

As long as I stick true to my beliefs and morals, whether inspired by her or not, that is the most important thing for me. Despite me not ending up following in her footsteps and even following her values, I always feel proud whenever she tells people this when people remark on how much I'm like her:

"No, she's an improvement of the race." 🙂



Notes:
- My mission in life is not to marry a husband who'll allow me to live comfortably OKAY!!! I don't know how serious she is when she tells me such stuff lol
- You might think my mom is a gold-digger but if you knew our situation, she's trying to make me think practically. While I respect her opinions, I still believe I could like whoever I like as I don't depend on men anyway. #EmpoweredWoman 
- My mom comes from that generation where aesthetics are everything. Sad as it is but I have some titas and even professors say the same things as her so it doesn't surprise me anymore when I get comments on how I look physically and how I preset myself.
- You may think my mom is superficial and shallow but guess what? I did, too! But I live with it now and try to understand her in a deeper level! So fuck you!