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| Pretty used to walking independently now through life's moments |
Note: This was written maybe a few months ago, let some close friends read it and one actually told me to post it. It was written during a time of deep reflection in life, after going through maybe a rough few months emotionally even if in the surface, I felt my most powerful and invisible. It was also around the time I spoke to the guy mentioned here again after a long time, talking about how life has been for us both. How he has found fulfillment through a new lady but is frustrated with his own professional growth. How I've been confused about which path in life to go after so many doors opened to me yet a person I loved prior closed his door for good. This was a reminder of how my life could have been like and how I prefer the much different turnout today despite the difficulties.
Watched Barefoot in the Park tonight, a story about the passion and turbulence of two young newlyweds, an outgoing and wacky woman, and her uptight lawyer husband. The film sparked a certain memory, or rather a former aspiration, from years ago.
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| Jane Fonda and Robert Redford play the young, just-married couple walking through life's turmoils and discovering their differences |
I'm 27. At this point, spending 90% of my 20s without a partner has given me more benefits and opportunities beyond what a naive and lovestruck 19-year-old college freshman wanted. A writing career? Check! Grad school? Check!
But then once upon a time, that young lady wanted to only be with her budding lawyer guy, marry him at 25, and move in with him in a tiny apartment as we figure adulting together. This lifetime didn't provide for that scenario and instead blessed me with a curly-haired slut who ruined it. All for the best though looking back.
The film evoked what-ifs but not in a way where I wished I had the chance to choose that option. What if I chose to be a young teacher drinking in a bar with a sweetheart preparing for the Bar? What if I was there building our own family instead of how I am still living with my family?
Of course, these are only what-ifs. He still occupies a special place in my heart, like all first loves do, but even he knew in this lifetime he eventually didn't want to be a lawyer anymore. I eventually knew I didn't want to be with him when we reached our mid-20s and he suggested we try it out again.
Maybe for a moment, at 25, I wanted to intersect a girlish fantasy with the reality I had then of being a journalist. But, I loved myself and what I turned out to be after realizing newer dreams and realizations that maybe being a young wife isn't for me. I could have been as ballistic as Jane Fonda who asked for a divorce towards the end of the film.
My life maybe is a Murakami novel. Random and unpredictable and frustrating. But, still something I read and look forward to as shocking events unfold.
