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| My doors are open this time, indeed |
I've had quite the colorful crush/love life in the past few years despite the absence of any steady boyfriend (for about almost 3 years now). While I'm not a serial dater, I did have my fair share of people I went out with, whether for just one date or went steady for months. I won't lie that there were an extreme few(one or two) that made me feel something real, that it's not just about having something fun and casual but also having some actual couple-esque trials. Dare I say...but maybe one I did fall in love with.
It's this stage of dating in my early twenties that allowed me to think of who I want to be with for my next relationship.
I guess this long singlehood spiel isn't enough for me to rush into anything serious. I'm not that desperate but I'm not scared either. I've met a guy not too long ago whom I declared internally that he will be one I will be with for the long term yet it never worked out but I've also met guys who declare to the world that they will be with me for marriage yet I cut the cord on them. It's weird that this aspect of "Coming across" love (I refuse to call it "Finding" or "Chasing" love because no besh. Di ako naghahanap) is a fluctuating trend: I will feel the high of getting to know someone amazing but at the same time, find myself shouting and scaring away a potential suitor.
But who do I really want?
I know I mentioned it before but I love being in love. I'm a hopeless romantic. Despite saying all that and imagining all my old friends rolling their eyes (because they know all the history! Haha!), I'm also a realist. Truth be told, the first 18 months of my adulting life since graduating is quite different to my final year in college. I find myself much more interested in my work, in learning about the industry, in immersing myself in the actual world of a journalist.
For me, my life is a tornado of so much joy and accomplishment but also a lot of risk and pain. It has been fast-paced and extremely mobile.
And I won't deny that it somewhat mirrors a lot of guys I happened to like along the way: those who make my heart pound rapidly as blood flushes through my cheeks. I seem to get a thrill and high when I'm into someone. In every love novel and movie, being struck smitten by someone always seems to be as if you're on the verge of hyperventilating.
But for me, I will settle with the one that makes me calm. I notice I almost never end up dating my crushes and with good reason: I tend to be shy. I can't even look at them in the eye. And with that, I tend to embarrass myself whenever I watch myself not be all over the place so I don't end up being embarrassing but fail anyways. Liking my crushes are never quite deep enough for me to want anything more but how I like that the mere presence, thought, or mention of a crush makes me happy.
The person who makes me calm, however, is someone I am not ashamed to speak my mind to. Guys I tend to crush on are guys who make my heart rush but how many guys have entered my life and make me feel the same way? The world seems to be full with the tall and handsome type who make many girls berserk but very rarely there'll be an occurrence I meet a guy I can look in the eye and feel comfortable being myself with.
And these strange creatures tend to be the most unassuming types that most people never expect me to go for. Of course I'll have a crush on someone dashing, duh! What girl won't? But to equate this person with someone I see myself with? I can't even be myself enough which I feel is more important over any perfectly handsome guy.
I've said this many times and I will say it again: I will stick with the one who makes me feel at ease. The one who understands that I'm not the prettiest girl in the room nor the smartest one either, but I have so much to say and I want to hear out everything that you want to say, too. I want to look at you in the eye and not be shy to reveal what my eyes can only express because I won't be judged by you...because probably you'd feel the same way. I don't want to worry if I am too close because I'm affectionate by nature to the one I feel immense connection with. So many guys have entered my life and made me feel sparks but in the end, I will go for the one who makes me feel safe and secure.
When I like someone, I really go all out with emotions. I guess this is why I'm still so closed up with guys after my last relationship because I realize the guys I did date the past few years were guys who never made me feel things are easy. I mean, love isn't supposed to be easy but I don't want to fall for struggle either especially when I have had my heart broken countless of times. I fight for my feelings but I've become more of a realist after a long time of reflecting on my singlehood.
So have I found that one person who truly encapsulates who I want to be with? Maybe along the way I did but God knows why I still haven't settled. My doors are open to anyone, though. They always have been despite me still being a little reserved. It will always welcome the right one for me.
