I HATE HIGHSCHOOL: How I endured and survived bullying

July 28, 2019

I didn't have much pictures of myself in highschool but I noticed I always looked sad in the eyes


This is a post that consists of over six years of emotions since I left the hell hole that is my old highschool. 

If you know me well, you will know that I despise my highschool life. While most people look back at their highschool life wistfully, reminisce about how times were simpler and fun, I look back at mine with such disdain because it really was a living hell. Maybe you'll think I'm over-exaggerating at how nightmarish my life then was, but I will tell you that remembering my times in highschool comes with an ache in the chest.

 It reminded me of how people are awful and how schools have a long way to go in addressing this. 

My first encounter with the bullying was when I was new in highschool. It came from the older batches who made fun of how I spoke English a lot (It's my first language) but other than that, I honestly don't know why lots of the bullying remained and expanded or why I have gotten so much hate. Was it because I was different? Or because I tried not to fit in?

I tried to fit in but I saw lots of "conditions" that I didn't want to put up with. I didn't want to drink and do drugs. I obviously didn't want to be pressured to date among the circles just for the sake of having a boyfriend (And highschool palang, ang taas ng standards ko charaught). I didn't like to get involved in petty drama of cliques and groups. I didn't want to like music and shows they like. I had dreams to study in the good schools while others thought I couldn't make it.

I was pretty much a loner in highschool. An outcast.

I was touted as the "Weird" one all throughout highschool. I stayed alone most of the time during recess and lunch, just writing poetry in my notebooks or reading novels. I listened to lots of indie music that sounded like "funeral music" or just "plain weird" to my classmates. 

I was touted as "mayabang" because I never took one for the team, and by that meaning I never helped anyone in terms of academics. Why will I involve myself in cheating? Because you'll bully me less? I was considered "mayabang" because I did well in school, took on challenges that caught people off guard (like that one time I was asked to memorize and recite half of the periodic table with only 2 hours to memorize just so the Chemistry teacher will sign my exam clearance) and refused to help others or ask help from anyone. I was called "mayabang" because I was not on top of the batch but I still tried my luck--and succeeded--in passing the good universities.

Call me selfish, but my dad struggled to pay my tuition and I'm not going to give in to threats even if you hurt me.

People thought I was "balat sibuyas" because I cried easily. Cry easily? I was massively bullied in a physical way. I had text books thrown my way and was pushed around by BOYS. BOYS WHO THINK WERE BETTER THAN ME EVEN IF THEY HAD NOTHING TO OFFER. BOYS WHO TREAT WOMEN LIKE INFERIORS AND WHEN I SAID SOMETHING ABOUT HOW THEY TREATED ME, THEY GET MORE VIOLENT AND SPEAK EVEN MORE ILL.

There were girls who did treat me awfully but coming from an all-girls school, I can defend myself. I know how girls are in fights or bullying. But boys are different. I can win word wars and debates but they will always be bigger and stronger than me which they use as their physical advantage to hurt me.

The most hurtful part was even if I had some teachers who defended me and still am grateful for until this day, there were a lot who tell me this bullying from my batchmates was "normal behaviour." I had a guy teacher tell me once "Dapat marunong ka umitindi ng joke" when I was sent a letter by a classmate who threatened to kill me. I had a teacher who just didn't care that my classmates were already bullying me right in front of him--because he favored those guys. I had one teacher who told me I was "overreacting" when I blottered a bully of mine in the precinct because of how bad the bullying got. These are figures who still believe how I was treated was my fault and how I making a move to address it was not my right.

The bullying also took a toll on me emotionally. I didn't want to go to school because it meant having to come up with ways to ignore the bullying. If it gets bad enough that I need to stand up for myself, I needed to think of ways to fight back. There were times that class officers and teachers would get mad at me for trying to defend myself since stuff like that can be ignored and will eventually die down. Believe me, being in the bullied end of the situation, ignoring isn't easy and it actually made it worst since it provokes bullies to become monsters even more.

I was always the bad guy for having to fight back and put bullies in their places,for having them earn serious offenses, for getting them suspended from school. I never asked for pity or remorse from anyone in highschool because I was physically and verbally bullied but boy, I never asked to be scrutinized and hated on more for standing up to the abuse.

I coped with highschool by never losing track of my goals, knowing little steps will lead me to a great school and eventually, my dreams. Writing creatively was a hobby that was therapeutic and even if people looked down on me for that (I recall a girl scoffing when I told her I wanted to be a writer or journalist when every girl in the batch wanted to be a flight attendant), I still went for it. I still recall the sneers I get from classmates when I applied to all these schools, far from the small town in Taguig I lived in and too many too count. I refused to be like the others who would only go to a college to be with their friends or because it didn't have an entrance exam. I wanted to challenge myself because I knew, it would mean a ticket out of here.

I also coped by having a few teachers who supported me and understood the situation I was in. I still appreciate those who signed all my recommendation letters to college or those who will tell me I will do good in life. I am also grateful for the extremely few friends from other batches who did stand up for me.

I'll be honest but lot of the past bullying still affected me even when I got into college. I always tell myself when I got into DLSU that "You're out of that shit hole now" but when there were those rare times I had to open up about my highschool life, I'd cry. 4 years of bullying isn't a joke. I'd be humiliated to talk about where I come from because there is still anger of how bullying could have been avoided by both the students and the administration. 

To be honest, I find it hard to keep in touch with the few friends and acquaintances I had in highschool. In college and even now that I work, I do experience some bullying although not as awful as highschool and yet, I feel the support of my actual friends and colleagues standing up for me. I don't think I can stay friends with some of my batchmates who were kind to me but indifferent to the bullying and even are close friends (or dating!) my bullies. 

One of the worst things that happened in highschool was how so many people were witnesses to bullying that was borderline assault and yet, others kept quiet or even lied about the situation. I was always painted as the crazy, overly sensitive one. I don't think I can ever forgive a number of batchmates who lied or denied how our classmates bullied me just because they are their friend or so the situation won't blow up more. I will never forget whispers of "Tropa ka namin kasi!" after teachers would question about the bullying incidents and tell them I'm lying, even if I had bumps and bruises and overly swollen eyes from crying.

It took me a while to grasp why people in that highschool bullied me. I tried my best not to mess with anyone and just minded my own business then so what made me a target or the enemy? I will never know the real answers but that doesn't mean I want to speak about it with those who messed up my highschool life. As much as possible, I just don't want to face those people ever again. Maybe ten, 15, 20 years after my highschool graduation, I'll be the girl who will never attend the reunions and probably won't be invited to one anyway. 

For my highschool, highschool life was only about them because they rule the school and I'm just a blemish that needs to be eradicated. And you know what? They succeeded in making me feel so shit about myself. Yet  I want to thank them because it's all the pain they put me through that inspired me to work harder for better opportunities, because I know I'm better than them. They just don't want me to be ahead.

These people, their whole life is about highschool and still remains to be. They will still remain there, boxed in the glory days of how they stepped on people like me, while I'm here looking ahead of what life has to offer. 

It's only me who can open doors to my future

In Defense of the Selfie Lords

July 05, 2019

Yes, I have my own folder in my phone for selfies


A long time ago, I stumbled across an article from Allure that inspired me to write this blog post nearly a year later. Entitled "Selfie Stigma: Who Loses When We Condemn Vanity?", it states that selfies come of as a result of vanity, and vanity comes off as something that is egotistic and silly like who has all the energy and power to take 1282939383939 selfies of herself?

What prompted me to write this is as a self-confessed selfie addict, I don't exactly take two hours to get ready everyday nor do I obsess with my looks every minute. If I do, I see  nothing wrong with it. So why do people have the impression that as someone whose IG stories or Snapchats are filled with my face, I'm someone who does not care about anything more?

Like what the writer Sable Yong says "Selfies are harmless." They ARE harmless, yes, but somehow people take so much offense or disgust when all you put out in your social media content is your face.

What also urged me to write this down is how one night out with a friend, he said with an underlying annoyance "Yeah you do post a lot of selfies! You're so vain." Sometimes, I hear conversations of people I know in social media, proudly saying they unfollow people because all they do is post about their face.

I write about this today because it came to the point that people ask me if my life is anything more interesting to post about other than my face. To be honest, it kinda hurts as a girl who took years to finally accept what she looked like. Years ago, I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I don't smile properly nor do I know my angles. I run like lightning at the mere point of some camera facing me.

I learned to take that around. I learned to practice smiling or angle my face so I don't look sloppy. The more I practiced, the more I loosened up when people took pics of me and ultimately, I learned to utilize my camera phone for my own selfie pleasure.

So yes, selfies for me are personal.

Para solb lahat; selfie without a face! Charot!

But why do people seem to have a problem with it? To be honest, I can never tell and just like my selfies, these people have their own personal reasons. I guess what makes me offended is how they take pride that they are better off people by saying they don't need to post their pictures as much as I do--and I don't even post as much as others!

I do believe it is wrong to judge people by how much they post pictures of themselves. I wonder how come others make a huge deal out of what others do that isn't even hurting anyone. We're free to respond a certain way to actions of others but I do feel it is uncalled for to fit a person's personality by how much they are so absorbed in taking photos. It's also wrong when you measure your whole self as a person by thinking you're better than people who do things you don't do--especially if that activity isn't even a crime!

But when are posting selfies wrong? Personally, I think it becomes wrong when your whole worth as a person is reliant on the reception of your selfies. I guess many have been been there: posted a nice picture of themselves and not getting the ideal amount of likes and hearts. I haven't gone to that stage to be honest, because whether I get no likes or over 400 my face is still MY FACE. At least, I'm aware that how I think I look pretty in a selfie doesn't always equate to my real worth and being--I know I'm much more than a click or your reaction to it.

Also, selfies become wrong if you think beauty is only in the eyes of the camera phone. I can tell you that no matter how much I try to take the perfect photo of myself, it can never truly encapsulate how I look in person. If people think I'm more beautiful or less gorge in person, it's up to them. All I know is I just took a damn selfie. Why do I need to calculate my fairness meter through it?

To those people who make a huge deal with their friends posting vanity pics, why not support them? Sure it can get on your nerves, the never ending "Mukha na naman!" feeling, but remember: selfies are personal and harmless. If it didn't bother them posting their own face out there for the world to see, then it shouldn't bother you too.

Accepting that how I look isn't determined by how I look in the camera, filter or no filter