Note: I'm not getting married nor am I pregnant. I'm not even dating nor getting any action lol

May not be holding a bouquet for now but at least I got my instant pansit and juice lol

Me? Marriage? Motherhood?

*gasps*

What pushed me to write this is how these days, girls around my age are facing milestones I don't see myself experiencing any time soon: marriage and motherhood.

Some have one or the other, but others get both.

Obviously, I'm going through neither.

But at 23, an age that's quite ripe enough to start such chapters in my life, I just graduated from college and am starting out my career. I would imagine myself wearing my black robes for MA and Ph.D more than I would wear a white wedding gown and veil.

I'd lie if I told you that I never thought of it. Maybe in some alternate universe, I'm that smiley, young bride whose ridiculously lavish wedding is featured in Bride and Breakfast. Maybe, I'm glowing and expecting my first child and am with my husband who is going to support me through it. I must be that fit mommy and hot wife type I see all over IG, ones who wear bikinis even a few weeks post-labor.

But in this universe, I'm just a single girl who sees many girls around her experience the less than glamorous life of being a mom and wife before they even hit my age--and I'm also far from "fit". Social media portrays it so effortlessly but in the reality of my environment, it's just hassle and expensive.

It's hard not to think about myself in that place someday but like everything else, I'm in no rush. Actually, it's such a scary thought even. I cannot imagine not hitting the pedestal and suddenly experiencing that life where I have to care for my husband and kids at my age or even any time soon. I wanna travel to nice places and buy nice things. I wanna learn new languages and fields. I wanna accomplish my goals. I wanna experience a life FOR ME before I settle down and share my life with someone else.

I always joke that I imagine myself as a beaming Ph.D holder kneeling before my Dean on graduation day more than a blushing bride kneeling before the priest with my husband on my wedding day. When I think about it seriously, I realize I don't want this lifetime to pass without experiencing being married to someone I love and have a family with him, just as much as I want to finish my postgrad studies someday--and that is saying a lot!

I love being in love. I romanticize such feelings and whoever I'm into at that moment through poems and daydreams. I love the fleeting, effortless feeling of being deeply and madly all over someone. At my age, I realize that there are risks that it could lead to something more and I try not to think about it. Sometimes, with guys I've gotten to know recently, they think about marriage more than I do while I just mildly gag in my mouth. I guess I wanna love someone when I feel ready for something serious, not now where I still am adjusting myself in this life of possibilities.

 I don't think settling down is a death sentence, really but it comes with some limits that I feel I'm not ready to stay within especially when I want to go far and beyond with only myself in mind.

I love kids. I get smitten when I see a baby or toddler who's absolutely adorable. I would then let reality sink in that being a mom is much more than snuggling your baby powder scented kid; it's also RAISING that kid right. I do want to have kids someday but the thought of having one now just gives me chills. I would freak out when I think of carrying a child in my womb for 9 months at my state now who can't even afford things for herself just yet--let alone necessities for my child. I feel I have so much to learn as a person and being a parent, I have to be wise and patient enough to handle a kid.

I admire the girls who are my age and choose to keep their kid and have people behind their back to help raise a kid I think I'll only be ready to be a mom when I feel I'll have something to pass on to my kid and I have yet to make anything for myself.

Maybe Someday...

Let me take that back: someday, surely!

I come from a broken home and even if I grew up in such a dysfunctional setting, I do dream of having my own complete family. I used to loathe the idea of getting married but as I grew older, I learn I'm not a reflection of my parents and their parents (also separated). I'm the type who fights to make things work.

The household I grew up in lacked the love and closeness I would see in other homes. So even if it isn't an immediate want to have my own family, I promise myself when I do, it won't be the same as the environment I lived through.

On being a wife, even if I'm still not ready to even seriously date at the moment, I know it within myself I'll make my future husband happy and lucky. The time is just not now but when that moment comes, he'll be lucky to have a partner in me.

On being a mom, I have my hesitance now but no doubt about it, I know I would want to be an endearing mother to my children. I'll be strict if I have to but I also want to make them discover their own passions in life and not feel judged for paths they'll take.

For now, the role I'm going to focus on is making myself the best person not just to everyone around me but also to myself.


(Also, watch out for my next few posts! I'll repost two entries from my old blog 5 years back: "Letter to My Future Partnr" and "Letter to My Future Children")